[confused_but_trying]

Hi Twiceburnt,

I had to live with my MLC’er for 2 years while going through the D process and the pics on the phone are not the worse things I saw. It’s been well documented on my early thread about xW,  her OM and their sex video.

Snooping is not a good thing but if I hadn’t  seen the evidence for myself there would always had been a way back for xW. The door is shut now, detachment was a choice and hard to do so I went to the extreme of NC, maybe in years to come I may mellow to the point where I can have a conversation with her.  But not for now, she is on her journey and I am on mine.

Lanzo

I'm so sorry Lanzo.  I can't imagine the pain you have experienced.  Peace be with you brother.

[nah]

Anyway, glad to hear I am not the only one experiencing a "divide".  I thought for sure my circumstances were going to be unique in that regard.

I think an entire thread could discuss this issue.  The destruction of the family is just more collateral damage.  I know my husband does not like that our daughter moved out and won't talk to me, it just adds to his guilt. 

Believe it or not, I am not too worried about it at this time. 

My daughter can be VERY difficult to get along with, she has a lot of her father's traits.  It has only been about four months that my husband bought the house and my daughter started visiting.  My husband's girl is only 4 years older than our very very angry daughter.  My daughter is use to daddy lavishing her with gifts (she just got home from costa rica on daddy's dime a few weeks before BD).  My husband no longer has me to stand up to daughter and say no once in a while.  My husband's girl had debt collectors calling her at work (I am friends with their co-workers).  The girl will only stay quiet for so long when our daughter is looking for cash. 

My son talks to my husband but he is much much closer to me.  What's going to happen for the upcoming holidays?  Last year, husband vanished.  I heard he went out of state to meet the girls family.  He is use to being the patriarch, sitting at the head of the table.  He was always much closer to my side.  I have 20 nieces and nephews, many were like our own children, some lived with us for a time. 

Now, he is a married man with a girl half his age.  I'm sure they lied to her family but it could not have been comfortable.  What's he going to do this year, bring my daughter? ??

The fall-out is coming.

[Darth Obo]

I'm already seeing a possible divide in loyalty from D11 in my favor. She has always been "Daddy's Girl" and I will admit, I do spoil her a bit (a lot?  ).

She has already stated to X she don't want to live with her, wants to live with me, won't accept certain things, and is basically bowing up on her! I try to temper this if I can and tell D11 she has to mind and not play us against each other, but truthfully, these kids are smart and "see" what is going on! It's only a matter of time!!

I have always been the active parent; I do all the activities with her (skating, go-karts, Amusement parks, etc...) and I take her shopping too! X never did anything like this except the occasional movies or the beach (which means D11 plays while X FB's the whole day getting her tan on). Now, she has tried to take her to do other things (recently attempted to take her to aquarium twice) and D11 basically canceled out two weekends in a row and would rather be with her friends!


Obo

[bipolared]

My Ds are also heavily biased in my favor and to my knowledge, they don't even know about any OPs.  God help him when that happens.  They just think I am awesome and he is crazy to leave as do their friends.  But then he rarely texts or calls them, just sees them once a week for a few hours.
I would think that men would be done before women;  I would just see us as more emotionally invested and forgiving.  Then again, we can be vicious too.  I pray for everybody, though, this group of people is so special.  It gives me courage to see this many people working so hard for their marriages and/or children when the world seems so messed up and based in selfish gratification.

[twiceburnt]

...her OM and their sex video.

Holy f*&# Lanzo.  Yeah, that would haunt me for eternity.  I can understand why you would close the door.  I'm so sorry to hear that.  Although in the end, our spouses are doing the exact same things, even if they aren't on video.  My imagination is enough to ruin me.  I get told a lot of graphic stuff from other people that's she's done.  Stuff like that you can't forget.  You can't even really bury it in your subconscious. 

I remember even after we were reconciling, one of her "new" friends told me some stuff I'll never forget.  Granted, she turned on my W and was trying to get with me, so maybe some of it were lies.  I highly doubt it though.  The physical parts of the affair(s) are the worst.  It is the ultimate betrayal.  No wonder most of these never have happy endings - at least for the MLCer.  I even heard stuff from when she was in high school recently (sexual stuff - didn't know her until years later) that are bothering me now and making me want to just drop her forever. 

Their history gets out eventually.  Who in their right mind would want to be with these people long term?  No wonder so many of them end up single and lonely later in life.  I remember they used to say that female MLCers often ended up as "cat ladies" in the end....lonely and miserable.

[Lanzo]

Holy f*&# Lanzo.  Yeah, that would haunt me for eternity.  I can understand why you would close the door.

Yep  that was the video with OM#3, I also saw a text from her to OM#4 planning to video their games a few weeks after them getting together, all very distaseful.  Enough time has past for me not to dwell on it but I do still get flash backs that disturb me. It’s really sad  but  I don’t know this person she has turned into, I really don’t want to anyway.

Out of interest though, my niece and I were chatting and we were both wondering what xW would be like if she ever came out of her fog, which way would she turn knowing that this door is shut. Would she come knocking or would she carry on regardless with whichever OM she is with at the time. Time will tell but like I said before though, I don’t see a successful female return story in my case.


Lanzo

[confused_but_trying]

...her OM and their sex video.

Holy f*&# Lanzo.  Yeah, that would haunt me for eternity.  I can understand why you would close the door.  I'm so sorry to hear that.  Although in the end, our spouses are doing the exact same things, even if they aren't on video.  My imagination is enough to ruin me.  I get told a lot of graphic stuff from other people that's she's done.  Stuff like that you can't forget.  You can't even really bury it in your subconscious. 

I remember even after we were reconciling, one of her "new" friends told me some stuff I'll never forget.  Granted, she turned on my W and was trying to get with me, so maybe some of it were lies.  I highly doubt it though.  The physical parts of the affair(s) are the worst.  It is the ultimate betrayal.  No wonder most of these never have happy endings - at least for the MLCer.  I even heard stuff from when she was in high school recently (sexual stuff - didn't know her until years later) that are bothering me now and making me want to just drop her forever. 

Their history gets out eventually.  Who in their right mind would want to be with these people long term?  No wonder so many of them end up single and lonely later in life.  I remember they used to say that female MLCers often ended up as "cat ladies" in the end....lonely and miserable.

Haha Cat Ladies!  That's pretty funny TB; I needed that!

[Jackolar12]

Just keep in mind, the ray of hope isn't for us.  Your MLC spouse will be begging for a ray of hope one day (or they'll continue to spiral out of control the rest of their lives).  They will get a second chance if we want to accept it.  Unfortunately, by that time, most of us will have moved on.  Just keep living your life as if she isn't coming back...and one day, out of the blue, when you least expect it, is when they usually try to return.  Then it is decision time for you...a very tough decision.

The destruction they cause is on par with a metaphorical nuke and long lasting.  And it will still bite you years down the road even if you reconcile.  I got stung financially recently from when she returned the first time.  She wracked up tons of debt that I had no idea about. 

In the end, they destroy themselves.  As much pain and loneliness they cause us, it will hit them twice as hard eventually. 

One thing that amazes me is the amount of people that seem to be OK with what she's doing.  Do we really have that many screwed up, depressed, immoral people living in the world?!?  I mean, who "likes" a facebook post from the OM who says he was with my W for the weekend?!  Messed up world we live in...


Hi Twiceburnt, my W racked up debt big time without me knowing on her replay spending, hotel rooms etc and she's still spending in replay now were divorced ,her business is going down hill,she took another guy out of a 33 year marriage because she wanted him. So 2 Unhappy Lbspouses 5 unhappy children from two broken long term marriages mine was 28 years, her mum has had several strokes and is bed bound and has to sleep downstairs, her dad has been diagnosed with dementia and she knows she's to blame for it all and shows no outward remorse. I think she needs more than a ray of hope the whole Sun I would say.
The other men and women they go with are of questionable morality for sure and people who condone their behaviour are low life's.

Update on her mum (exMil), unfortunately she passed away yesterday, and I have relayed my profound grief to her husband (exFil) through my son. It is so SADDO when Mlcer behaviour takes down an innocent. She was a very nice and caring lady and I will miss her. The Ex Wife's behaviour was a cause of great stress to her, the lady was strait laced and of high moral standard and will be missed by everyone.

[MsT]

I accidentally clicked all the way to the end of the active thread list and saw this topic.
Here's one from a different site.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/213849-mid-life-crisis.html

[speed racer]

Hi Everyone,
I hope I make sense with my question below...

I've noticed that 98 percent of this site is about the MLC/Leavers being men.
Maybe I'm not searching correctly, but I believe I have been searching correctly.

Is there a difference between a male MLCr and a female MLCr?  My wife has done exactly to a T almost everything
all you ladies have posted about how your husbands acted, what they said, how they would be mean and re write history,
be completely out of character.... etc, etc.

I would like to think they are one in the same because I'm finding it hard to find any stories where the roles are reversed.
The wife leaves and (hopefully comes around later)  I'm talking long term marriage 26 yrs -

I have been reading and writing to all you fantastic ladies but only have a few info from the male side of this living hell.

Is there any threads, personal stories about when the wife leaves (and hopefully some will be about their return as well)

If there is, it would be great to hear from you men who's wives come back.

It would also be great to hear from the women who left and returned (if your out there), what changed their mind in wanting to come back.

How long were their/your MLC and the time between you left and came back?
Did she/you divorce your husband before your came back?

If anyone knows where or if there are treads/links about this please let me know,
I'm having a hard time finding anything on this.
Thank you all -
Speed