[twiceburnt]

I haven't posted in a while, but I do think that most MLC women do try to come back eventually.  Mine did, but she came back before she completed the MLC journey, and I fell for it (and paid for it).

If it matters, my ex-W rarely ever takes her S12, or visits with her D19.  Her D19 (my step daughter) still lives with me.  I pay for her cell phone, co-signed on her car loan, and help pay for her car insurance.  Her mother (my ex-MLC wife), doesn't really help out at all.  I can legally cut my SD off from everything, but I won't since I helped raise her since she was 2 yo.  I know how hard it is to afford college. 

There are rumors floating about that my ex and her OM broke up, or are fighting at the least.  He kicked her out of his house so he could rent it out (he took a job out of state...supposedly temporarily).  As crazy as this sounds, I hope they get back together/work things out so I don't have to deal with it....or a possible second return.

All I can say is hang in there and live your life.  They may come back, and they might not.  Chances are, you'll have moved on and won't want them back when the time comes anyhow. 

[speed racer]

Hi Thunder,
You posted earlier in this  threat a whole bunch of men who post on this sight about their wifes coming back.
Is there anyway I can search their "names" and find their stories/timelines

Thank you Thunder

Speed

[terrified_in_TN]

Hi Thunder,
You posted earlier in this  threat a whole bunch of men who post on this sight about their wifes coming back.
Is there anyway I can search their "names" and find their stories/timelines

Thank you Thunder

Speed

Speed,

  I guess Thunder missed this...For the record, I think she only listed the MALE posters she could think of-not necessarily ones that have had their wives come back.  There are a couple here, but they are very rare.

As to how to search...toward the top of the screen you will see a horizontal menu:  Home Help Search Admin Profile...etc....Under the Members menu item you can search member names there.

-T

[terrified_in_TN]

Darn it....I should have added this:

  I know in the beginning  we ALL want to know the odds.  That's pretty normal.  It is perfectly normal to want to ask "How many male LBSes have had successful Rs"?  You will not find any statistics.  But from everything I have found the answer is not many at all.  The chances are extremely slim.

  I do not want to discourage you however.  I honestly feel a BETTER question would be "How many male LBSes have had their MLCer *ATEMPT* a return?"  I would be willing to bet that second question would be a LOT.

  As I mentioned in another thread, everyone has their "line in the sand" or "deal-breakers".  For a lot of men, infidelity is it.  I think that is why you don't see very many return stories with MLC women.  No one REALLY knows, but I will bet that many of them do TRY to return, only to find its too late.

-T

[terrified_in_TN]

LOL, 3 replies in a row...I must be losing it...

A final thought (and this is important, and why I didn't just add it to my previous reply; I don't want it to get missed):

It has been said VERY often, but I have not seen it mentioned in a while...and this goes for both male AND female MLCers:  Chances are very high that the DECISION to R will ultimately be up to the LBS.

Let that sink in...

Every situation is unique.  There are NO guarantees.  Not everyone will TRY to come back.  But most do TRY.

-T

[Watcher]

I also believe a lot has to do with the LBS. My W has thrown me out numerous times in 15 months. She has left and come back. I have left another 6 or 7 times on my own accord. She has probably invited me back 4 times.

In her MLC mindset she is very frustrated when I leave. She sees it as me rejecting her. She has complained that I do not want to be there and that I have given up on the marriage. She is done chasing me and will never ask me to come back again. Again, this is the MLC mindset but it probably hurts the situation.

There are also different variables at play. I have two boys that are relatively young and keeping her in place. My Dr agrees that they are the key for all of us surviving this MLC. Secondly, OM has no interest. If he had interest, then things would probably be different.

Finally, finances play a huge role here. We have been fortunate to have support from both sides of our families. Without that support, I would have had to file already. It's unfortunate but finances do eventually force a person to make a decision.

[Dji76]

I know initially its difficult to separate happiness from spouse returning but I think the best question to ask is this: How many LBS go on to regain their happiness after a few years? I would guess the vast majority do! IMO one of the best things we can do is to ask what it is we REALLY want? I think at a base level for many the answer would be happiness. We equate happiness with our spouse because we were happy with them. Read studies about baseline happiness and you will see that within 5 years of a life changing event, most people revert back to the level of happiness they had prior to the event.  As is pointed out in the articles, it is our responsibility to pull ourselves up out of this mess. Is it really any different when we tie our happiness to the person in mlc than when they tie their happiness to om/ow? Yes, I used the word happiness 8 times in 1 paragraph!

[StillStanding]

I know initially its difficult to separate happiness from spouse returning but I think the best question to ask is this: How many LBS go on to regain their happiness after a few years? I would guess the vast majority do! IMO one of the best things we can do is to ask what it is we REALLY want? I think at a base level for many the answer would be happiness. We equate happiness with our spouse because we were happy with them. Read studies about baseline happiness and you will see that within 5 years of a life changing event, most people revert back to the level of happiness they had prior to the event.  As is pointed out in the articles, it is our responsibility to pull ourselves up out of this mess. Is it really any different when we tie our happiness to the person in mlc than when they tie their happiness to om/ow? Yes, I used the word happiness 8 times in 1 paragraph!

For the people where who are choosing to Stand, it's not just about our own happiness—it's about making a commitment to work on our marriages, no matter how bad it gets.

The statistics for divorce show that people aren't always happy upon finding a new spouse: the divorce rates for second and third marriages are higher than those for first marriages. Also, divorce is harder on children than people want to believe. People say things like "they're young, they'll adjust" but that's not always the case.

I found this infographic a while back...

[Dji76]

Still - you can be happy and still stand for your marriage. I would guess that it is actually easier that way AND makes one more attractive. Also, we can only work on our marriage when the other person agrees to do the same. For most of us, that is not the case at the moment. Personally, my xw lives with om and we have been divorced for a year. What is someone in my shoes to do? I choose to focus on being a great dad and pursuing activities that I enjoy. I choose to remain open to all possibilities, which may not be traditional standing, but I haven't definitively closed the door.

[speed racer]

DJi76 and everyone else reading:

DJi76:   "you can be happy and still stand for your marriage.
I would guess that it is actually easier that way AND makes one more attractive."

Wow, great way to look at the situation.
This is how I want to live my situation...

I don't know how you get over the pain and all the hurt?  I do keep myself busy and try not to
dwell with this curve ball in life. - But somehow the curve ball comes back around often.

Your wrote:
"I choose to remain open to all possibilities, which may not be traditional standing, but I haven't definitively closed the door."

I need some advice how communicate with her while standing and trying to leave the door wide open.  How should I act
when I see her in person? how do I act if she ever start to call?  Right now communication is via texting and it is usually
her texting me about our kids.  "Do you want me to drop them off / pick them up" type of text.  I haven't texted her directly for about
2.5 months.  (After she moved out to her very expensive townhouse) 

I'm confused how to act - I have no experience with this.  How can you seem happy when you know deep inside how aweful
the whole thing is?

Any suggestions on how to approach contact under these situations?

1. Actually seeing her in person in any circumstances.
2. If she calls me - which she doesn't really do - last week she called my cell, but I didn't have it with me.
3. Texting - (right now as I said above, I do not text her.  When she text me, I answer with short as possible answers.

Thank you,
Speed