[blackice]

don't pay any attention to him. just don't. it doesn't matter. be cordial in your interactions regarding your business and have nothing else to do with him for now.

[MeNow]

Ohhh I so agree superdog,

Again though we get two sides of the coin.. a LBS and a MLCer view which is good for this site.

MeNow, let's just say until you finish your work, and see the man who used to have compassion for his wife and kids and everything you built with them, and that your OW was not as special as you think but just a crutch on how you felt during your crisis and you were one for her aka..validated your crisis and foo issues as well as you validated her feelings of her 'crappy sitch (hubby in jail) which you had no idea about how it hit you and leave it at that.

Someday you will see what you did ( I guess to no fault of your own because of MLC) and why your ex, who you claim you want to be with, is where she wants to be. I'm guessing she did her work and you still haven't...

Don't win her back because you can...that is not the person she wants back..just say'n...

Hi Rookie,

Thanks for your reply.

I do not hold OW up on a pedestal. I used to when I was infatuated and through out the years when I secretly pined for her somewhere deep inside, which was a longstanding issue. I understand the reasons why I did it. I have closure to that issue. As such, I believe my opinion of her is a fair one. I am not excusing her nor am I judging her as a whole based on what happened.

Something did sting though as I read:

"Someday you will see what you did ( I guess to no fault of your own because of MLC) and why your ex, who you claim you want to be with, is where she wants to be. I'm guessing she did her work and you still haven't..."

I spent much time thinking about what I did. A lot of remorse/regret much of which was based on my desperation in trying to win her back. Rooted in selfishness.

I know what I did. I lived it. I saw what it did to my marriage and family. And that threw me into a pit that took years to crawl out of. I fought for my survival. Now that the debris has cleared I can see that I didn't understand her pain as I was focused on mine. So selfishness is an issue for me to work on and the roots of that.

Also this:

"Don't win her back because you can...that is not the person she wants back.."

At this point, I am not trying to win her back. I do not know the path back. I do wish to apologize for what I did in a way I hope helps her to heal. That is all I can do.

Any chance we might have would have to be something brand new. That's all I know. I've accepted that and continue to move forward in my life.

Regards

[Rookie13]

Blackice, I so agree! .... UL, you don't owe him or should care how his return home is... He is/was on a 9 day MLC affair! Sorry UL, you can't win him back being nice here...he's 'gone'.....maybe something on the line of ' I think it is time you leave H' is more in order when he gets back....for your self and your own healing but just my opinion..

MeNow, thanks for your reply, hoping for your continued growth! 

[UnconditionalLove]

LOl! I'm not trying to be nice. I'm kind of trying to protect myself.  I have to work with him. I know they have had 9 days of scheming. I just thought maybe I could prepare myself for whatever mood he would or might have.

I know he's been gone 9 days to see his A. However, he will deny it. He knows I'll know but because of the divorce he will not be open about where he has been. I won't ask.  But I know she's leading him. I'm sure he's going to come up with some sort of something he wants me to do to move the divorce along or be passive/agressive towards me in some way. Or, for a few days he'll be trying to treat me like his best friend out of guilt.

Not trying to win him back with kindness. I'll have to go back and read my post to see what I said. LOL

[Rookie13]

UL,

Then you have answered your own question of what you need to do.....

Put up with nothing short of how you would expect to be treated in the same cheating sitch... MLC? yes, acceptable behavior? No.. Self worth? everything! 

Business together/working with him? hmmm...again, do you need to live together and work together?? jsut wondering...

[UnconditionalLove]

Our business is in our apartment. Just before he left he moved out or semi moved out. He didn't take most of his stuff.I actually think he took what he needed to move up to where the PA is.  He stayed at a hotel for 2 days, caught up on some work and disappeared on Thursday or I didn't hear from him and I knew already he was heading up to see her because he had quit his main job that covered my cancer. I lost our benefit.  By Saturday I get a text that he was taking the week of and would catch up work next week.  So, when he gets back he will need to figure out where he will be staying because he can't stay at a hotel at $90.00 a night.  I don't believe he will want to get an apartment because in his head he thinks our divorce is going to be over in a couple of weeks and he can move to where the OW is.  He has no idea that we haven't really even started this divorce yet. I guess he could leave and not have the divorce over but I don't think he would want that because it would really slow things down.

So, answer is no we don't need to live together to work together.

[MeNow]

I know all that MeNow but what happened no longer allows for a clean slate. Unless of course, one is going to pretend that the MLC never happened. There is and there always will be someone who had a MLC and someone who did not. Someone who broke trust and someone who did not. Yes, in some cases both spouses had a MLC. For all I read here reconnection is hard, reconciliation even more. And it seems it tends to occur only if the LBS is still on a certain frame of mind.

And that is the key - the mindset. It is one reason why a reconciliation isn't possible. It is a choice. 


Yes, the MLC is an aberration. One that causes so much damage that often the LBS has long moved on when the MCLer comes out of the crisis. As a general rule those who reconcile are the ones with what we were call mild MLCers. Most marriages do not survive a spouse MLC. If you start to go through the threads of many old timers you will notice that they have all moved on, or are on the process of move on.

This I understand. There comes a time when a point of no return is reached. Deal breakers. I believe my W falls into this category. Also LBSers tend to grow and find their changes are not compatible with their spouse anymore. 

Menow in my opinion, you did not have a MLC, you had a slightly bumpy midlife transition. A six months affair and only be with OW once? That is not how people having a real MLC behave. MLCers affairs last years and they seem the OW/OM for ages, including living with them. It does not cross their minds that they may be hurting their children. Also, MLCers OP does not let go, they clinge to the MLCer. So, you and your alienator had a slightly bumpy midlife transition.

I have said I have an problem calling it a MLC. I did have many of the symptoms. The length for sure was unusually short compared to the "norm". Do you know if children cross their minds? Is there some special formula how everyone is supposed to act? Yes, there are general guidelines but there are always exceptions to the rule. I thought about my kids but my own desire was stronger for a time. Is it not possible for even MLCers to make a rational choice, especially when they realize what they have done? We made a choice to end affair. It was hard to disengage, like a drug addict going cold turkey. How many of them succeed? So, you may be absolutely correct. The semantics of whether or not I was MLC or midlife transition for me, isn't a critical one.

You're wrong, our innocence is gone. It was taken away by the MLCer actions. No more innocence. And, probably, no more real trust but for those few who really manage it. Plus, in case we reconnect, we end up with a spouse that has no integrity and is/was capable of the most horrid things.

Anjae, I didn't mean to downplay or dismiss this. I understand.
Perhaps my response to Rookie can explain.

Best

[Anjae]

Why would your wife fall under that category? Are you about to move on? Do you think she will not come out of crisis? Yes, LBS tend to grow and a point comes when the LBS and the MLCer are not compatible anymore. Of course that, like with everything, there are exceptions. And, yet, we are told that MLC is a growing process and the MLCer will be a more mature, better person when the crisis is over. In a way, yes, but in my view they still have not grow as much as the LBS.

All MLCers I have come across, in the board stories and real life, were not able to call off the affair. One of the characteristics of MLC affair is that it does not end by the reasons normal affairs ends (spouse finds out, children are taken in consideration, the cheater realises the mistake). Since both you and your OW called it out it is a different affair from the ones our MLCer have.

The difference between MLC and midlife transition is important. The first is a years long situation with gigantic consequences and damages, the second can include an affair but is a mild thing. Most sites and blogs label midlife transition MLC and say it last about 6 months to a year and that the affair will soon end. That is not the case with MLC. I understand the affair can be like a drug but I find it very hard to believe that those that spend several years living with OW/OM do not see what they are doing and that they fail to see what OW/OM is. And once one is living daily life no more fantasy, so, a MLC affair really is a odd thing.

From what we read here on the board and from real life MLCers I know children do not factor in the decision of leaving/staying. Children may cross their mind but they do not stop a MCLer from leaving, from carry on the affair or from live with OW/OM.

MLCers leave in a world of emotions, but, again, it is a little hard to believe said emotions can run someone’s life for 5,6,7,8 or more years.

[Rookie13]

UL, Sorry to hear of your condition.. and hope you are well!  I see the need for your H to take care of you but he is not there. 

Understanding how your needs coincides with your sitch, and seeing you have been left by him with no insurance, how can he coming home improve your sitch? Can you get state aid??

Most don't take all their belongings, 'escape/avoid mode', hence running ....






 

[UnconditionalLove]

Emergency Hearing is trying to be schedule so he will have to pay along with emergency alimony. I have a surgery schedule that I'm probably going to have to cancel now. He said something about leaving his job on the Family Act Leave and us paying for insurance for a couple of months but I don't know if he did that right. When he gets back in town he was to call and figure out what we have because they won't tell me.   Ok, I don't know what sitch mean.