[Lovely1]

All I can say is that my H went off with an OW for 18 months after he left us. He recently described it as a 'nightmare' and OW as a 'deeply troubled' person who cheated on her fiance and then cheated on him two years into her marriage.

He recognises she is awful.

He is however still in crisis, and has moved on to three 'friends'. He said recently to me that he is sick of the sex now. I see movement in him away from all these women and possibly but when they are in crisis they use sex, drugs and booze to stop themselves facing the pain.

The OW doesn't help. The OW f***s them up and it doesn't last long. The crisis does though.

Hugs

[MeNow]

One more thing....

Some if not most of you will possibly never truly understand how your spouse really could have done this.

The reason is, is because you would never do such a thing.

The one thing you will take out of this is your integrity and your innocence. For me, the innocence can never come back. Integrity is something I must be aware of and work on. It really took a hit. These things will be my burden to carry for the rest of my life. It is the same with yours.

[blackice]

just curious but have any of you had the ow contact you because she is trying to get you to fight with her?

my h's ow has recently in the last few days has been trying to get me to fight with her via text and it is driving her nuts because i won't do it.

[superdog]

Menow, I disagree, our innocence has been taken also. The innocence of a marriage where such abuse and disrespect didn't exist. The innocence of believing our spouse was above all of this, they were not. We will never have that back either because we will never naively believe that anyone is beyond anything ever again. We will just be better equipped to set up our lives us so that we do not accept any of this in the future.

How do you even begin to look at, examine and measure your level of integrity? What would you be basing it on? Just interested.

Sd
X

[Anjae]

I know all that MeNow but what happened no longer allows for a clean slate. Unless of course, one is going to pretend that the MLC never happened. There is and there always will be someone who had a MLC and someone who did not. Someone who broke trust and someone who did not. Yes, in some cases both spouses had a MLC. For all I read here reconnection is hard, reconciliation even more. And it seems it tends to occur only if the LBS is still on a certain frame of mind.

No idea what God intents for marriages. I'm not religious.

Yes, the MLC is an aberration. One that causes so much damage that often the LBS has long moved on when the MCLer comes out of the crisis. As a general rule those who reconcile are the ones with what we were call mild MLCers. Most marriages do not survive a spouse MLC. If you start to go through the threads of many old timers you will notice that they have all moved on, or are on the process of move on.

Menow in my opinion, you did not have a MLC, you had a slightly bumpy midlife transition. A six months affair and only be with OW once? That is not how people having a real MLC behave. MLCers affairs last years and they seem the OW/OM for ages, including living with them. It does not cross their minds that they may be hurting their children. Also, MLCers OP does not let go, they clinge to the MLCer. So, you and your alienator had a slightly bumpy midlife transition.

You're wrong, our innocence is gone. It was taken away by the MLCer actions. No more innocence. And, probably, no more real trust but for those few who really manage it. Plus, in case we reconnect, we end up with a spouse that has no integrity and is/was capable of the most horrid things.

[adult condor]

BI, sorry about he trouble with the OW, I read about what you are dealing with, keep away from her!

MN, it is funny, my H has said repeatedly to me "you are perfect, you are innocent," this whole thing has shaken me to the core. I do not know where my innocence lies, in many ways I never felt innocent, as it seemed to be stripped from me at an early age. So, no in that way I do not feel that I am innocent, nor have I been since I was very wee. What H offered me in the 12 years together was a rebirth of trust in men, I trusted him almost completely.

I do hope that my H is having a really rocky mid-life transition. It is possible this is the case, he is still here, has cut off relationship with OG/W, and it feels like he is showing more empathy and self reflection. I don't feel like I can speak to innocence because I don't remember the time where I truely had this quality, but I can say that trust and faith in another, in a partner can be re-built, it may look different, there may be a few more fortifications, but I think it can be restored mostly.

[Rookie13]

Ohhh I so agree superdog,

Again though we get two sides of the coin.. a LBS and a MLCer view which is good for this site.

MeNow, let's just say until you finish your work, and see the man who used to have compassion for his wife and kids and everything you built with them, and that your OW was not as special as you think but just a crutch on how you felt during your crisis and you were one for her aka..validated your crisis and foo issues as well as you validated her feelings of her 'crappy sitch (hubby in jail) which you had no idea about how it hit you and leave it at that.

Someday you will see what you did ( I guess to no fault of your own because of MLC) and why your ex, who you claim you want to be with, is where she wants to be. I'm guessing she did her work and you still haven't...

Don't win her back because you can...that is not the person she wants back..just say'n...

[MeNow]

Menow, I disagree, our innocence has been taken also. The innocence of a marriage where such abuse and disrespect didn't exist. The innocence of believing our spouse was above all of this, they were not. We will never have that back either because we will never naively believe that anyone is beyond anything ever again. We will just be better equipped to set up our lives us so that we do not accept any of this in the future.

How do you even begin to look at, examine and measure your level of integrity? What would you be basing it on? Just interested.

Sd
X

I get it SD. What you have said is the truth. The path of destruction changes many lives forever.
My sitch has the added bonus of this perspective:

There is the loss of innocence for the perpetrator, especially for the widespread destruction caused.
There is the loss of innocence for the victim, as you just described.
I have seen both.

I try to learn about some of my issues and gain knowledge. I suppose I measure integrity by my value system and how my thoughts/actions measure up to what I believe.

Best

[blackice]

bleh ow is nuts. it's funny hearing her drive herself crazy. it is however i noticed not a very common occurrence for many here that i have seen so i was just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with it and such since it is a new development in my current situation.

don't worry, i stay away from her, she isn't worth my time. she wants me to beat her up, she wants me to engage in a arguement with her and the whole idea of it all bores me to death.

[UnconditionalLove]

GREAT post everyone! I'm reading through them tonight. I wanted to post my post again because I think my post go sideline. Again, there might not be an answer but I just wanted to make sure everyone saw it.

Ok, I'm sure no one will really have this answer but I'm putting it out there as a fear I have.

H left last week and has been with EA turn PA I'm guessing for the last 9 day. He will be coming back sometime in the next few days and I'm fearful of what they both have been cooking up against me. As in the list of stuff she's wanting him to do to keep moving forward on our divorce. Mood wise...what am I to expect?  Obviously, I'm guessing he's had a pretty awsome time with her. It's one of two times he has spend long time with her. I'm so nervious for his return. It's been peaceful and now I'm stressed that he's mood is going to be whacked out. He's not going to be coming back wanting anything to do with me I'm sure.