[nah]

The title basically says what this thread is about. 

Yes, we all know that we should be focusing on ourselves.  In the real world, I never ever discuss "the girl" to anybody.  For me, I use this forum to vent my inner feelings and give/receive advise from all the other brilliant, understanding LBSers on this forum.  It really is a lifesaver.  So, yes, only to you very awesome cyber people can I let go of my deepest feelings.  It's better than a counselor b/c honestly I just don't trust the average counselor. 

So the alienator...is she really the affair down that we all want her to be or is she somehow what he was always looking for?? I know what you are all going to say.  Of course she cannot hold a candle to me.  Yes, logically I can understand that she is nothing.  BUT he did leave me and he is right now at this very moment with her, touching her, sleeping with her, by choice. 

So, that's why this thread is growing so fast... we know logically that she is nothing.  I just want to hear it again and again and again.   

[UnconditionalLove]

Yeah, it's all interesting and I'm on your wagon Nah. I really want to believe she's a affair down. LOL! Again, again and again.

[MeNow]

Watch out people.
It's nearly time to take out the 2x4 again.

[UnconditionalLove]

LOL That's funny!

[Songanddance]

This has been copied from my fourth thread.....

Some of you might be interested in this – it is extracts from a letter that OW sent me three weeks after BD…. Fascinating insight into the mind of an affair down BPD or what.

“Dear ..
I realise that a lot has been said and written (meaning she has read H’s letter to me)
And I felt that it was time that I should write things from my perspective. You are under no obligation to read it but I wanted…. to cover the points in a rational manner and in a way that you could digest them at a pace you are happy with.

I would first of all like to say that I never set out to have any feelings for H ….but I am unable to ignore the force that has put us together and forged a union that has taken me completely by surprise.

I did not set out to hurt anybody and have not asked anything of H that he has not willingly given… I will support him in the situation that he needs to be in to be able to be at peace with himself whether that is with me or you………(long info about her finance and current H and her medical issues…)

……Family is one of the most important things to me and I am always the one to provide, my H and I agreed early on that we would not stay together for the sake of the children and I believe that you should stay in a marriage because you want to be with the other person…….you have to be someone that the other person wants to be with… it is not an automatic right because you have made vows…

I have always been quite private and found attention difficult……. In your H I have found someone where I am completely able to be myself…. He brings out the best in me and we are very positive together….. As much as it hurts me for my family to be broken like this…..

(she then expands on how “private” she is….and how she is leaving her H because he doesn’t want to join her “journey” of self discovery)
He is aware that his decision is a major flaw…. As much as he may wish to be he is not the right companion for me at this stage…I very much hope that I can continue my journey with H(mine)

I do not want you to think that I have taken these steps lightly or without a lot of soul searching… It is inevitable that people will be hurt but is it right (now paraphrasing because her sentence is far too long) for l  one to sacrifice his (ie my H) happiness simply out of duty – it is very selfish of the other (ie ME S&D) to expect that.

If you would like to meet to discuss this then I am happy to do so.. I’m sorry if you feel that I have intruded but I am a helpful person and care deeply for others often to my own detriment.

I do not ask anything for me…..but I do ask this for H as it is tearing him apart and I will support him with whatever he needs.


That helped me stop obsessing pretty quickly and now the OW is still on the scene but nowhere near as frequent and H regularly turns her calls off when he is here. Time, time time .....patience, patience, patience -

[blackice]

sounds like what my h's ow said to me.

[nah]

My husbands girl is scared to death of me.  She wouldn't dear send me a letter or ever try to speak to me.  I can't imagine what that must be like.

[blackice]

my h's ow i was told was terrified of me, she is pretty much. i ran into her when h tried to move home a few weeks ago and i had to watch his stuff for him so she wouldn't destroy it. plus he wanted a witness because she is violent to him. the next day when we went to go get his bed she was calmer and said pretty much the same things that are in sd's letter.

since then she has contacted me once via h's phone because he was texting me and she was getting mad about it and was telling him to say things to me so he said say them to her yourself and made her do it. that was fun  i swear she is the most boring person to talk to and she kept trying to fight with me and i kept shutting her down. told h to never do that again because she bores the hell out of me and i am not giving her what she wants so its all pointless. she tried to do it again one more time and he told her no, you bore her and she says you aren't worth her time.

since then she has done nothing but bad mouth me and start fights with him about me.

[Split open and melt]

I had one email exchange with my XWs OM. He told me that she told him our decision to divorce was mutual and that he had no idea that I didn't want it otherwise he wouldn't have gotten involved.

My response was well, now you know that she lied to you, and good luck dealing with her...she's your problem now.

I have no idea if they are happy or not. I have no way of knowing and will not ask her, she'd just lie anyway. I secretly hope they discover eachothers true colors and it fails. But I try not to think or worry about that. She told me, "he's the best thing she could have ever hoped to find in her lifetime." I wonder if that's still true, if the grass still looks greener. Regardless I'm confident she threw away a good man and a great family for something that she thought would mKe her happy. Time will tell.

Honestly it'd be easier if she moved on to OM #2, I will never be able to view OM#1 as anything but the dude who moved in and took advantage of our marriage crisis. That's the benchmark I use to judge his character. What bothers me most is that he is a part of my kids lives.

[Janus2014]

My H says the OW is "innocent" b/c he "asked her out" by saying that he would be getting divorced, but hadn't yet b/c I was ill.  To me, that implies that I was not on board with the D. 

After 2 years and no D, OW knew I was not "ill."  So someone anonymously tipped me to the A.  Do OW's strong feelings for H make a difference? 

That said, H wants to be a guest star in his relationships, and OW plays to that.  She lives in another country, and when she sees H, it's all fun and celebration of H.  She's led him to think she has self-respect even while she supposedly lets him make the decisions.  She's certainly played her cards better than I have.  She makes H happy and I don't, mainly b/c of the way he has treated me.  I suppose I can understand why he wants to start over elsewhere.