[twiceburnt]

I was almost willing to pay his very hefty fee just to continue hearing him tell me that H's "new R" will "fly to pieces", "the odds are like winning the lottery, this thing can make it" & many other variations.

I try to process with my GF's now & keep telling myself that H's "new R" is headed to hell in a handbasket.  Can't get there fast enough for me.

HT-- we are close to the same timeline, you are about 3 months longer than me.  The first six months EVERYBODY said over and over that their relationship won't last.  Now??... Nope very very few agree he will come back.  Even my friend who left her family and came back two years later, pretty much just yesterday implied that I should just give it up.  This is the only place that I still vent, and share the fact that I believe at some point he will try to come back.  This is the only place where people will agree with me.  Why is that?

Because most people don't wait long enough before moving on.

I agree with MeNow.  I doesn't take much for a LBS to move on after 5-7 years.  We aren't getting any younger.  And we are good people who typically get snatched up pretty quickly afterwards.  So the MLCer often doesn't get a second chance.  Men tend to stay in this longer than women also it seems.

[Medusa]

I have been ripped open by this man and I still love him.  Who's the one in crisis?

Their crisis triggers a crisis for us. The enormous difference, though, is that we aren't as crazy as them and we are smart enough to get ourselves help to get through this. About 3 days after BD, when I picked myself off the floor for the first time, I made my first therapy appointment because I knew I couldn't do this without help. I knew I had to look to myself. Initially it was because I believed him when he told me all the reasons for him having an affair (and they were pretty stupid) but within a few months, I was moving past that. More than a year later, I don't recognize the woman I used to be. I have taken the enormous love I felt for him and tucked it away in my heart. It will always be there, and on very rare occasions, I let it out and cherish it. I liken it to getting over whomever our first love was. The difference is that we've had long marriages, so moving past the pain is harder.

 

I pray she shows her true colours and he realises he is throwing away a M of 33 years.

HMT, have you ever considered that she may be showing her true colors but he refuses to see them? They are delusional about these relationships. For instance, the OW in my life broke up with him because he was spending too much time with his wife--right after my mother died unexpectedly. If that doesn't scream selfishness, I don't know what does. I pointed this out to him, and he insisted "it isn't like that". I called BS. I had also pointed out that her self-esteem couldn't be much because she was willing to sleep with a married man and his insistence that "everyone" loved her was a load since his BF had already told me he couldn't stand her. All I got on that one was stony silence. The thing is  they see exactly what they want to see. Just like they need to vilify us. They need to raise the OP onto a pedestal. How else can they continue their bad behavior? Also, they don't seem to care what they throw away. It's all about what they want and need right now . They are like children in that respect.

Also I,wonder how long it will be until he starts being messy and lazy round her home and then the arguments will start.  Although she is one devious old witch and will wait until the ring is on her finger first though.  It makes me sick how she has schemed and connived to steal my H and ruin my life.  She's evil.

This may well be the case, but do you really know? From my perspective, you're giving her a lot of power over you. She didn't ruin your life: she may have pursued your H, but he is the one who bit. Remember, of he had not been in MLC, he would have said no. And if she hadn't come along when she did, he'd have found someone else. She is a selfish, broken person. Nothing more. She isn't worth your head space.

We know that in most cases these affair do run their course, even though they are long. For us, because we are the logical ones, they seem to last forever. They take as long as they need to take.

HMT, I sense bitterness in you. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I want to mention it because I think we all have to be cautious of that. I recognized in myself right around the year mark that I was becoming brittle. I wanted to ruin OW at the time even though I knew she was just the right person at the right time. For a few months, I kept hearing a line from "French Kiss" she could not steal that which did not want to be stolen". It is so true. We need to direct our pain and anger somewhere, but for some reason we seem to want to absolve our spouses of their bad decisions. Guess what: even with MLC, they are sentient beings and are responsible for their choices. Look to your emotions of you can and ask yourself why you need to give her so much responsibility for his decisions.

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Medusa

To be honest with you I am bitter.  If that is a personality fault in me then that is the way,it is.  Maybe in time it will fade.  I can only hope so.  But she did pursue him relentlessly when he finished with her and I do see her as a morally bankrupt selfish individual.

The reason why we hate the OW and not our H is because we have love for our H.  I know he has a character fault.   I also think you are right in thatif it hadn't been this old who're then it would have been some other ow who he would have got with.

If I could brainwash him to stop being a womaniser then he would have been the perfect H.  He was never aggressive with me or mean and he was very easy to live with but he had that major fault. ,in the past I don't think the OW meant anything to him but he thinks he is,in love with,this one.

I feel bitter because I am 56 years old and have been with this Man for 36 years.  I wanted to grow old with him, like we all did with our Partners on here.  I have lost my Husband and will loose my home that I love so much so yes I am bitter.  Like I say maybe in time it will fade but I make no apologies for it now.

[Medusa]

No apologies needed, HMT. We feel what we feel for a reason. I just brought it up because I recognized in myself that the bitterness that was seeping in was hindering my happiness.

I bear no hatred for OW, now. She is what she is,and even though she pursued him, he could have said no. She wants to screw around with a married man, it's her problem. As weird as it may sound, I actually thank both of them for their affair because it has, ultimately, been positive for me. They are no longer important to my life.

By the way, for quite awhile I came close to hating him. I wanted to scratch his eyes out for what he'd done to me and my kids. For me it was important not to let him off the hook for his decisions, even though I logically know he is MLC. Its a reason for his behavior but not an excuse.

Finally, I don't care one iota if he loves her or not. He says he does and that's his reality. It's not a reflection of me, its a reflection of him.

[Still Kicking]

Anger is a step in the grieving process and it does keep us motivated at first when not much else can get us up off of the floor.  It is just good to be aware of that and not get stuck from moving on to the next stage because eventually it turns on us and keeps us a prisoner of their actions.

 Many people lose their husbands to unexpected death and don't get to grow old with them, either. They may go through the same stages of anger but without the added frustration of seeing that person destroying lives right before their eyes--although a person who lost their wife at the same time I got the big BD told me he would much rather be in my shoes because at least his wife would still be alive even if she hated him.  But we each have to play the cards as they are dealt to us and try to find new meaning for our lives.

[Still Kicking]

Oh--and I didn't mean to minimize the grief, anger, betrayal, abandonment, frustration, etc.  Just saying it is not a "personality fault" so much as a stage in the grieving process.

I have had an image of this whole thing like our spouses have locked themselves into a room with a one way mirror.  We can see everything they do but they can't hear or see us--they just see themselves and they keep carrying on as long as they feel safer in the room.  We can't get to them and only they can unlock the door and come out.  And in fact as long as they think we are waiting by the door the more stubborn they get about coming out.  It doesn't apply totally but it does express the frustration of seeing what they do but not having as much influence as we would like. 

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Medusa

I do hold him responsible as well.

He pisses me off big time because I feel like shaking him that he is throwing away so much on a ow.  And yes I'm sorry but she really is a ow.

I made the mistake of ringing her when I first found out about the affair.  My H had ended it with her and she was quite indignant that he had done that. Meow he had not only let her down but her Father.  God knows what that was about but I know for a fact that my Father when he was alive would have had a fit if I had been in a relationship with a MM.  But he used to visit all her family and they had no problem.

I know I am obviously biased but she really is a narcissist big time.  But she's skinny and she probably knows all the tricks of a ow in bed so for that my daft stupid H is going to throw away our lives.  I've known him 36 years and M 33.  So yes I feel anger at him too because I can see he,is being a bloody idiot.

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Still Kicking

I can understand your Friend saying he would rather be in your shoes because then at least she would still be alive.

I know what it is like to loose people you love.  When my Parents died it was the most terrible all consuming pain.

For many years I used to wake up sometimes at night afraid that my Husband would die.  I always longed in a selfish way for me to go first because I know I would suffer terribly.  But I have thought many times that really I would have found it easier if he had of died because then you do not have the betrayal and the knowledge that he is with another Woman.

[Neo]

Attaching to this thread.


I completely agree with Medusa's take on the OP. What amazes me is that when they go into "their" crisis, they take us and everyone else with them, at least at first. This is because we are in shock, in disbelief that what we thought was a good relationship, is somehow seen from a different perspective by the MLCer as the worst decision they ever made, even though they seemed to be happy for decades prior to this. They make a unilateral decision, that we have no say in, no way of changing their minds, no way of making sense of the madness that they currently find themselves in. Whether you want to call it temporary insanity or not, that is truly what it boils down to.

The OP, the relationship with them, is what sucks them into an alternate dimension, which causes them to loose all sense of right and wrong. It is like a toxic mix of chemicals that sends them into this state of mind and the OP is part of that mix, which sends them into this madness. Both the OP and MLCer are messed up in their minds and they care about nothing else other than the "fix" that they get from each other, no matter what the cost is to anyone else around them. Until they come out of the "chemical high", they never know how much destruction they have caused to everyone around them and ultimately to themselves. By that time, they come back to reality to find all of the destruction they have caused and then and only then understand, the immense pain that they have caused to the people that truly loved them. And many times it is too late or the pain they have caused to severe for anything to be done to save the one and only relationship, that they were meant to be in, which was filled with true love and not imitation love.

[Darth Obo]

I bear no hatred for OW, now. She is what she is,and even though she pursued him, he could have said no. She wants to screw around with a married man, it's her problem. As weird as it may sound, I actually thank both of them for their affair because it has, ultimately, been positive for me. They are no longer important to my life.

I couldn't have said this better myself! This is exactly how I feel....I even told X this! I thanked her for the opportunity for me to look at both the marriage and myself and allow me to do necessary changes to better me! And, aside from the affects on the kids which we are working through, it has been positive experience once it all came full circle!

To be honest with you I am bitter.  If that is a personality fault in me then that is the way,it is.  Maybe in time it will fade.  I can only hope so.  But she did pursue him relentlessly when he finished with her and I do see her as a morally bankrupt selfish individual.

The reason why we hate the OW and not our H is because we have love for our H.  I know he has a character fault.   I also think you are right in thatif it hadn't been this old who're then it would have been some other wh*re who he would have got with.

HMT,

This all will eventually pass; it already has for me! I blamed the OM's for a while in the beginning until I took a step back and started assessing things! Yes, the OP's generally do have character flaws.....but so does the spouse / former spouse. And sometimes they are very glaring once you detach and realize these flaws were there all along, either buried or we paid no notice and wrote them off!

Eventually you put the blame where it needs to be.....straight on the MLCer/WS! Then you see it for what it is! Then you progress and, in my opinion, they become left behind!

DO