[willitgetbetter]

Anyone here have experience with H coming to stay a few days while having or especially living with an OW? If so, how do they pull that off without OW going nuts? Did they lie or tell her the truth and tell her to deal with it? Any experiences of knowing the dynamic of this in your sitch?

Asking because H wants to come and stay a few days with D in February...so in about 3 months. A started 3 1/2 years ago and he has been moved out and living with OW for 7 months. I don't know how he thinks he can pull this off. I am not concerned for myself because I have no interest in him now at all. Just wondering if this is any indication of him progressing out of the tunnel or the OW relationship losing its shine.

[Janus2014]

Hi Willit,

It's happening to me right now.  H is here for Thanksgiving.  Playing happy families when relatives are around.  Pulling out my chair, helping me with my coat, opening the car door. Kneeling next to me in Church and asking for-forgiveness.  But not wearing ring.  Then won't look at me while we are talking when he is home alone.  Told me this is all my fault because I had a mini MLC 6 years ago.  H said he was happy in our marriage.  But once I had an MLC, he apparently believes this would be the inevitable result.  He would blow up our marriage through a long-term affair.

I did move to the spare BR.  H works overseas and OW is in yet another country.  What I've noticed is that whenever H come home here, she'll post a new pic on FB.  She's a mom, but the only things she posts correlate  to dates when H comes here or comes to see her.  This pic is like a glamor shot.  Whitened her teeth, red lipstick.  Like she wants to look manically happy, without a care.  Or make H jealous.  What a nightmare.  Who wants someone else's husband?

[willitgetbetter]

Hi Willit,

It's happening to me right now.  H is here for Thanksgiving.  Playing happy families when relatives are around.  Pulling out my chair, helping me with my coat, opening the car door. Kneeling next to me in Church and asking for-forgiveness.  But not wearing ring.  Then won't look at me while we are talking when he is home alone.  Told me this is all my fault because I had a mini MLC 6 years ago.  H said he was happy in our marriage.  But once I had an MLC, he apparently believes this would be the inevitable result.  He would blow up our marriage through a long-term affair.

I did move to the spare BR.  H works overseas and OW is in yet another country.  What I've noticed is that whenever H come home here, she'll post a new pic on FB.  She's a mom, but the only things she posts correlate  to dates when H comes here or comes to see her.  This pic is like a glamor shot.  Whitened her teeth, red lipstick.  Like she wants to look manically happy, without a care.  Or make H jealous.  What a nightmare.  Who wants someone else's husband?

Lol. Pathetic.

Has he ever told you or have you ever asked if she knows he is there and what she said? Or do you think he lied to her?

I just don't see how an OW who an H "left for" would tolerate H staying over. It was one thing when they were still living at home, they had no choice but to, but now that he is "theirs"...wouldn't they be nuts over it? I think if I were the OW who "won" I would! And would try to forbid it through my wonderful emotional blackmail super powers. 

[FindingNemo]

I think they lie.  They would have to or else they would lose OW.  It's the only logical explanation I can think of.  My husband was here about a month ago.  He fell asleep with his head in my lap while we were watching a movie.  I didn't mind that he was going to stay.  I got him a blanket and pillow.  Kissed him on the forehead and said good night to him.  What bothered me is that around 2am D14 and I were finishing up the movie we were watching when his phone started to ring. It was OW2.  He looked at the phone, turned the phone off completely and then went back to sleep saying he was going to stay the night.  Ended up sleeping over two nights in a row.  His phone was turned off the entire time.  Now tell me, if OW2 knew that he was at the family home with me, and he had his phone turned off on purpose would she not get upset?  I know it bugged the heck out of me that she was calling the man I am married to and he keeps telling me that he wants to come home. I asked him about a week ago how does having another woman in his life help him to be able to move home.  He says it doesn't and he will deal with it.  So we shall see, huh?   So, we shall see. 

[willitgetbetter]

Hahaha. Try to think of it like this...when he does that, don't get upset, laugh. Because you know she is getting a dose of what he did to you. No matter what his excuse, she knows he made excuses and lied to you, and deep down inside she knows she is no different, and as a matter of fact, knows that he is more likely to lie to her!!! I would actual enjoy that knowing she was freaking out. Especially since phone rang and then he turned it off. You know she called again so she knows he turned it off.  Enjoy that!

I really think too that even if they are lying to them, the fact that they would risk their relationship with OW and know that maybe she will be pissed or know the truth, may show that the shine is tarnishing. And that OW is not as treasured as before and the fear in the possibility of losing them is waning.

I think this is so in your H's case. I don't know if you are intimate or if he was just snuggling, but he seems to be coming around with those actions.

Him saying he knows it doesn't help and he will deal with it makes me think that may be where my H's head is at. I think him asking to come in February to stay 2-3 days, which is 3 months out, may mean that he is going to put a plan in action to try to wrap things up to make a break. Because why not try to stay now over the weekend for two days, why wait? But we shall see.

Either way, if he is here, I will enjoy the fact that OW will be squirming, regardless of whether he lies to her or not. For all I know, he wouldn't even tell me if they broke up already because he won't admit having been with her in the first place. Lol.

[Janus2014]

Willit,

H is working in another country.  He may have long term plans to be with OW when his contract ends in April, but he hasn't shared that yet.  He went back to OW in August, so he had to have made some kind of commitment to her.  She looks confident, so something's up.  I think in my case, H must have told OW that he was here to wrap things up.  He would have highlighted all the things he had done for OW.

Yet H was ready to be intimate with me.  I had to tell him it was a no go since he had OW.  And he didn't say that he doesn't.  He said the only thing that was clear was that he wanted to "be intimate". Not sure how you wrap things up by being intimate, but I'm not in that mindset    And as I say, he's simultaneously telling me he's not involved with anyone; that I'm suspicious; and that this was the risk I ran through a limited MLC 6 years ago.  Plus hiding his phones, wallet, backpack.  Yet he brought me an anniversary note I once gave him to show me that he had it.  I have whiplash from the mixed messages.   . He is a world class cake eater.  Plus the OW has had the past 3 years (I only found out a few months ago) to run off due to his continued dealings with me, and she hasn't, so why should H worry?

[Searching4Answers]

My H still lives at home and stays with OW on the weekend. He leaves here on Thursdays and returns on Sunday I do not understand how the OW deals with him living with me still! He must feed her some serious BS. How does she put up with not being able to come to his home? They are only together at her place or hotels. How long does someone put up with that?! I am kind of curious how the holidays are going to play out - H does not bring her around family.

I figure that H tells her that we are not together and some how blames me for the living situation.

[june]

overseas partner...I have been that person. I will tell you that the expat culture is dangerous to married people apart because there is an understanding that there are no rules in all but military compounds where it's a mixed bag. There is a freedom that people get high on. There is also typically a lot of drinking. Mostly though, its about living like a teenager...cake is right. I spent 90% of of my social time fending off overseas contractors and locals that all assumed that my marriage didn't count everywhere in the world...it was a real struggle.  I had so many conversations where I had to defend my definition that ended with "you will change" or forced sexuality.  I only found a handful of people who truly stayed faithful and even they slipped up with a kiss here and there when lonely.

Coming home, you come back to "reality", but you come with a bunch of expectations and dreams of the American dream fantasy life. This fantasy is just as dangerous, particularly in the first month of return. It's enough to trigger mlc in many people for sure.

Many people make a life of living in the expat fantasy. They bop in and out of people's lives. Only recently have I seen the depression that follows when they can't keep it up the game and realize they amounted to nothing in life because relationships are not deep or supportive when life goes to $hit healthwise. Not sure if your guy has made a career of this, but I will say it's not as flashy as many think and it's tiring more often than expats will admit.

I doubt the other woman is much to really be jealous of since she linked up with a man living in a fantasy world not dealing with the mess he was making of other people's lives. That can't really feel good. No matter what terrible story he might have told about his partner, she will never have the security that he is not full of $hit because she has never met you, I assume.

Be nice. Really nice. Think Mother Teresa. Talk slow and calm with him. Talk in short 3 sentence blurbs only - no more story swapping. Remind him of the mystery and beauty that attracted him.  Do it to get him back, break them up, or just for yourself....nothing is better than being the better partner when you are a few day or months out. I find that when I am anxious emotional and angry in front of him, I doubt myself and my self worth later.

[willitgetbetter]

My H still lives at home and stays with OW on the weekend. He leaves here on Thursdays and returns on Sunday I do not understand how the OW deals with him living with me still! He must feed her some serious BS. How does she put up with not being able to come to his home? They are only together at her place or hotels. How long does someone put up with that?! I am kind of curious how the holidays are going to play out - H does not bring her around family.

I figure that H tells her that we are not together and some how blames me for the living situation.

Wow, that must be rough. I don't know how you cope with that. I see in your profile it says you are "done". Not sure if this has changed. Maybe living there because of finances? In separate rooms? Not familiar with your sitch. Will find and read up.

But if your status has, do you have any "plan" in mind to stop his continuing weekly behavior, which sounds like cake eating to its fullest??? Something's got to give to encourage a change in him and I doubt it will be her detaching. 

[willitgetbetter]

Just had to repost a sentence from In It that had me cracking up. Think its the funniest thing I've read to date. Re: The OW:

"She discovered her knight in shining armor was an a$$hole in tin foil."