Funerals always put things in perspective for me...
Early in my journey, I had several long private exchanges with RCR about standing when your spouse remarries, and if D is EVER okay. Why does the first marriage have any special standing, when, in fact, there are many people here standing in their second marriages? When we D'ed and he remarried, I remember saying to myself--he better F'ing be RIGHT--he better make it worth it. And I truly hope he does. But I also truly don't want to know anything about him or it, or her, or anything. And I knew that was why I couldn't stand--I was born without a forgiveness bone, and I would never want to hang my life and my happiness on another marriage--waiting and hoping for it to fail... I am not made that way.
But, back to the funerals. I have been to more funerals in the past two years with NG than I had ever been to in my life previously... I guess it's the age, but three of them were high school students, one a suicide, a close friend of my kids, two were friends of mine, parents of friends of my kids, one a suicide, lots of older folks. And, we will go to at least three or four more in the next year. The kids are the most heartbreaking, but the old people are the hardest for me--not one had been divorced. So, last week, as I watched a video, with 80 years' worth of photos, from picking cotton in the 40's to holding grandkids last month, they were always a couple, no gaps, no missing years, and in the section called "our love," you saw their whole history, from dating to marriage, through five kids and grand kids. The story of their love...
I wrote piece a couple years ago about how the memories fade. My best friend's aunt is an LBS, and she told me a long time ago, that the saddest thing is that you lose memories--the ones that only get preserved by the two of you--because there was no one else there and you have no one to talk about them with, ever again. She said after 20 years, she could no longer remember their early life together, any of his family, and even parts of her kids' childhoods--that the only part of her life she considered REAL was her new marriage and her older kids. I remember thinking that was incredibly sad, and strange, and it would never happen to me.
But at five years, it has. Fortunately, I have a best friend with kids the exact same age as mine, I will never lose those memories, since even her kids have them. But his extended family and my memories of our early R are fading fast--even to HIS friends from those days that I kept after the D... Starting a new career, having kids in different stages, a new R--my hard drive needed space... And the other day when a picture of my son came up on my FB page, with his father and some extended family, the only one I recognized was my son... I had to look at it twice and say "wow, I was married to that guy--he looks old, but look Lynne posted more recipes..." And as quickly as that, it was gone...
Your stages are your own, but I still argue, you DO get to define them if you want. Decide today that you are in a new stage and move yourself there. Remind yourself when you slip into a less-than-desirable stage, that you are NOT there anymore, that you have moved past that, and do it. You can meander aimlessly back and forth, but, you can also decide to make changes and BE someone else. I am not saying it's easy, but neither is anything that is truly worthwhile, but we do it. We graduated school, raised kids, had jobs, getting over one person who flaked out is NOT hiking the Appalachian Trail or fighting cancer, and people are doing those things right now... It's Thanksgiving--do that, be thankful for all you DO have, don't waste energy on the ONE thing you don't... Love and light, ll
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...
BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her...
LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...
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LBS STAGES 3