[Songanddance]

HP - I always quote Atticus Finch from to Kill a Mockingbird whenever anyone says phrases like that to me. I look them in the eye and say with a great big smile so that my tone remains upbeat but authentic  "I'm sorry you feel that way about my situation. It's my choice and until you have walked around in my shoes and been in my skin you cannot possibly hope to understand what I am feeling, thinking or my reasons for doing. When you do, then you will be able to give me your well founded thoughts and comments."

That usually makes the point.  Now I still have the same friends - they treat me with respect whether they disagree with me or not and now as H is slowly heading towards some form of basic reconnection - they are beginning to see that perhaps I was right to stand after all.

Friends will never truly know why we stand. Why should they?  Everyone judges others from their own paradigms.
The one thing I have found is that I have learned how to UN judge people now.  I step back and think - do I really know what is going on and if the answer is NO and it invariably is - I stop myself from judging.

That's why the gift of time is important whether you stand or not. This time is for us to grow as human beings.

I have always moved forward and never on...

[Holdingpattern]

Hello SD,

I love that you are capable of answering like that. Unfortunately,  i feel that I no  longer need to explain myself to anyone. I stopped it altogether. I don't want to get into lengthy answers. But with a firm tone i say that all is well . It is a very general answer that it could mean  many things. But then, i change subject or run away far. They can assume whatever they want, nowadays I no longer care what people really think. 

[Songanddance]

nowadays I no longer care what people really think. 

Unfortunately,  i feel that I no  longer need to explain myself to anyone. I

Then why as you have posted on SD's thread are you so worried about your level of detachment and lack of empathy.

Not caring about what other people think about your M is fine. I don't - and that's why I can say what I say the way I say it.  It matters little to me what other people think - what matters is how I show my response as that is what keeps people feeling that they haven't been rebuffed or touched on a raw nerve. 

Why is it "unfortunate" that you no longer feel the need to explain yourself to anyone? Re-frame that - It's fortunate that I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone and the subtext is much more upbeat and suggesting that you are comfortable with yourself irrespective of the situation.

If I am honest - I think you are still hurting quite badly. Yes you have accepted the situation and yes you have accepted the process but your hurt and self doubt is there. I am not saying for one instance that you shouldn't have those feelings at all. 3 years in I still feel the hurt from time to time but notice how I identify it as an object - for me to control rather than to be controlled by. 

I think you have much to offer this forum and with a vanisher only 21 months or so ago, you have come a long way in a very short space of time.   It's great that you don't need to explain yourself to anyone because it means that you are growing and that you will be able to help others get to that place rather than stick in victim mode.

[Holdingpattern]

Thank you SD,

you are right about so many things. I guess at times I have days that Im stronger and then i hit a wall again.

U are right ....sometimes things could sound contradictory ....unfortunately u are right on point  ....it is all about time - i guess- and keep on standing tall and moving forward the best way i kwow how. 

[gut punched]

I'm not sure what stage I am at the moment.  I think I may be between stages.  Transitioning from one to the other.   I thought we were the perfect couple also.   Same here with the shock from others.   Especially with my straight arrow hubby.  His mom is still in shock that her baby boy could do this.   It's the opposite of his personality to be like he is now.  He is so different.   His brother and best friend wanted to do an intervention, hahaha.   Luckily I was able to squash that.  Ugh!  Can you imagine?

[MourningDove]

I am just catching up to this thread, and timely discussion. I went to my neighbors' house tonight to say a quick hello and the neighbor's sister was there. She is genuinely well meaning, but I would say she is very jaded on her views on men. (She picks very poorly). At any rate, I don't tell too many people about my situation, as we have seen that even the most well meaning people want to "rally around you" and tell you to move on, "you deserve better", and the list goes on. My neighbors have been very supportive and the wife and I were chatting when her sister came around the corner. She overheard a conversation about the OW (which again I don't go just letting loose about and I am genuinely an open book not caring what people know - up until now, I had very little I would hide if asked). Well then the rants began how all men cheat, etc I am better off without him. My neighbor tried to get her to shut up. All I could say was I did not believe all men cheat and this is new territory for him. I tried to change the subject. It wasn't until the neighbor's son came around the corner that the sister shut up realizing this was not something to discuss with the kids around.

MLC is so misunderstood and not an excuse we give to let our spouses get away with things, but any of us going through it know that it turns our spouses into someone that is a stranger to all that really know them. Their brains are hijacked and it isn't just bad behavior driving them. We sit and try to muddle through and if we choose to "stand" and the public finds out we open ourselves up to what feels like there must be something wrong with us, which does not help as our spouses are already doing a good job of making us feel that way.

I, like many others guard my information, yet I try to take a deep breath and just say this is not an easy situation and I do not want to publicly demonize my H, as he was a good father and husband up until now. Most people are respectful, but I have found other places, like this forum to vent about my H's MLC insanity where others will be more understanding.

I don't personally worry about what people think about me (or at least I care only about the ones that really matter) but I have become more guarded and I think that is more about protecting my kids, who are old enough to understand what is going on. They don't need to have their father demonized - they see his MLC antics all too clearly themselves, they don't need to have others point it out. I have surrounded myself with people who may not agree with my stand, but do not judge me or take sides. The ones who have made their opinions known, respect my desire to take the high road for my kids sake and I am not just standing still, pining away - I am moving forward.

[stayed]

I don't personally worry about what people think about me (or at least I care only about the ones that really matter) but I have become more guarded and I think that is more about protecting my kids, who are old enough to understand what is going on. They don't need to have their father demonized - they see his MLC antics all too clearly themselves, they don't need to have others point it out. I have surrounded myself with people who may not agree with my stand, but do not judge me or take sides. The ones who have made their opinions known, respect my desire to take the high road for my kids sake and I am not just standing still, pining away - I am moving forward.

I was very fortunate as well MourningDove.  I have a great family and our true friends, always felt my h's behavior was totally out of character, couldn't believe he was doing it,  I know some of them would have preferred if I had "kicked his butt to the curb" but they respected my decision to STAND and even understood why I did.   I think they also knew me well enough to know, that I would LET GO when I was good and ready to do so. 

Don't worry about what stage you are at.  You will go through them all "eventually"! 

Hugs Stayed

[MourningDove]

Stayed - I think I am discovering it does me little good to worry what stage I am at or even where my H is at most of the time, as just when I think I have pinpointed the stage, it changes. It is too exhausting to keep up with.
Some would think I am crazy to have any hope of reconciliation, and down the line I may change my mind and say that I have had enough. I am trying to focus on just stabilizing my kids lives as well as mine and moving forward. I realize that no matter what it is what needs to happen. If due to some miracle my H actually snaps out of it returning home if I am not strong enough is not healthy for either of us. If H doesn't return I need to be strong for myself and my kids. I keep trying to focus on that.
The outside world is full of people who are going to express their opinions. I often see the ones squawking the loudest aren't always the ones leading happy, fulfilled lives. The ones that seem happiest are mindful and have had their own struggles and have dealt with them with some sort of patience and grace along the way.

[stayed]

If due to some miracle my H actually snaps out of it returning home if I am not strong enough is not healthy for either of us. If H doesn't return I need to be strong for myself and my kids. I keep trying to focus on that.

This is the truest statement ever made.  Whatever the OUTCOME, you will need whatever strength, courage and growth, you can possibly acquire!  If he returns, you will need to be very strong, for all of you.  Him, your children and yourself.  If he doesn't return, you still NEED to be strong and healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally, for your personal future well being and for your children's well being as well. 

I love the way you are THINKING my dear.  You are programming yourself to be a WINNER... no matter what the outcome.  Your future is being determined MourningDove, just by your positive attitude.  Well done.

Hugs Stayed

[KeepItTogether]

I just got caught up on this thread. At first I tried to put myself in the appropriate state--pretty sure there is anger and depression for sure. But after reading all your insightful posts, I realize defining it is not nearly as important as trying my best to move forward and live life. Having a small child helps with that b/c I need to be a role model for him (since obviously the H cannot at this point). But in order to do that I need to first and foremost be happy an fulfilled myself. Now there is the challenge. Always thought I was before, but the strange thing is now that all that has happened I am realizing I was not as fulfilled as I once thought. Why should I stagnate? Why can't I accomplish even more?

As much as I want to live in a corner and cry myself to sleep on some days, I still can't help but think this IS a gift, as OP so wisely says. My marriage was nowhere near perfect. I had resentful feelings. I could be mean. And I wasn't satisfied in my own life.  But I wasn't doing anything about it. Nope, I do want more. I want to be as happy and as fulfilled as I can possibly be. Maybe (and hopefully) that will be with my H. I can't bank on that right now.  But I can bank on me.