[Jackolar12]

Hi everyone,
Does any one have statistics on the reconciliations as a percentage of the numbers on the forum?
Also a percentage of the numbers that decide to stand down and move on.
And once the crisis is done, could it happen again to the same person?
I read some situations where one Mlc drives the Lbs into their own Mlc,I would like to find out how common this is if anyone knows.

If we are lucky enough to get a reconnection opportunity,what are the failure rates?
What types of triggers do members have to deal with?

Kind regards

Jackolar12

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Jackolar

I do not have any answers for you but I too will be interested to know the stats for the questions you ask.

[Ready2Transform]

RCR has written a bit about her view on statistics.  There are several pages throughout the articles and blog about it, but here are a few references
:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_how-do-you-stand.html

I don't know the statistics regarding returns--there may not be any and if there are I would be skeptical as to their accuracies, since coulds, what-ifs and maybes cannot be measured with accuracy, and since statistics may not include the different strategies as data points relating to success. Possibilities are not probabilities; it is possible to Stand alone and achieve reconciliation. But I also feel it is important that at the point of true return it is no longer a solitary job; there needs to be a point where both spouses work together in partnership to rebuild their marriage.

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/

In my early days I spread the 80% statistic. I heard from a chat leader at Jim Conway’s chat that Jim said 80% of MLCers will return—or will want to return. I was unable to clarify whether it meant 80% of marriages recovered or that 80% of the MLCers wanted to reconcile—even though some spouses refused. Finally I asked Jim about that statistic and he said it was not something that came from him and he did not know where it came from. Basically it was a statistic without a source and likely was a bit of anecdotal wishful thinking. I would love for that statistic to be true—or even a higher rate. But not only do I have no evidence to support it, I no longer think it is close to the reality. Why? Standing is hard and as I said already, many of you will come to a place where you feel strong and you feel ready to stop Standing. And if the statistic is about how many MLCers want to reconcile—how was that sort of data gathered? Often those with regrets do not verbalize them and they may not even acknowledge them to themselves for many years. MLC lasts 2-7 years, but some may not admit regrets until years after that after they are experiencing the full consequences of divorce on themselves and their children.

Some people around here say "most will come out of MLC and return" and some say "few ever come out of MLC and want to return" and I think we simply pick the one that most fits our viewpoint.  I don't think there are any hard figures on what the true statistics are for the forum alone, and it would be near impossible to gather, given that a lot of people have left the forum without any of us knowing if they just gave up standing or reconciled and no longer needed the support. 

Plus, even though there are so many factors we all have in common, the uniqueness of our relationships and the underlying cause of the crisis I think plays a much larger role than what we as a collective could predict.  It's like the flu - people may catch the virus through different means, some people recover quickly, and others develop more serious problems.  It's not the statistical analysis of the flu itself that predicts who will be the more serious cases, but the immune system of the individuals and how effective their chosen treatment methods are.  So even if we did have facts and figures - would it really predict if OUR spouse would be one of the "return" cases?  Probably not.  Only their choices and how they personally work through this crisis will be a deciding factor.

[UnconditionalLove]

attaching

[Jackolar12]

Thank you HMT.

[iamnottheenemy]

Hi Jackolar,

I did compile statistics early on when I was still in the "how long is this going to take?!?" mode, and have continued to update my list. One caveat is that the timeframe does not go beyond the age of the forum, or people who found the forum shortly after it began. We have only a few anecdotal stories of the really longterm MLCers - fathers, fathers-in-law, neighbors etc., but I remember reading of some in the 10-25 year range. Also, I'm not sure how representative this sample is because people come and go, some with spouses who have returned may not update, and others may create an account then not return to the site. Also, from the larger pool of MLC-affected families, how many never come to the site in the first place?

With that said:

8%   returned in less than a year                            6/78   by 6-9   8%
5%   returned in one year      22% 6-15 months      4/78   by 12   13%
9% returned at 15 months                                     7/78   by 15   21%
20% returned at 18 months   42% 18-24 months      16/78 by 18   41%
22% returned at 2 years                                         17/78 by 24   63%
8%   returned at 2.5                                                6/78   by 30   71%
18%   returned at 3 years      33% 2.5-3.5 years      14/78 by 36   89%
7%   returned at 3.5 years                                      5/78   by 42   96%
4%    returned at 4 years      4%  48+months           3/78   by 48   100%

The HS community has had 2573 unique users, but only 100-250 check in on any given day.

IANTE

[Jackolar12]

Hi Iamnottheenemy,
Thanks for the heads up, it's just past 3 years for me so around 18% I guess. It's really good you took the time to figure this out, you must be very good at data analysis.
Thanks Again
Jackolar12

[Thundarr]

So, if we were to glean information from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return?  It's 3.5 years for me and XW has never mentioned a return even once.

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks for the data!

[Thunder]

I really don't understand how anyone can give us any true statistics.  There are so many variables.

High Energy MLCer vs Low Energy MLCers's.
Actions of LBS's
Affairs vs no affairs
Childhood issues vs Aging issues
Standers vs non-standers
Personalites of both MLCers and LBS's (coping abilities/the ability to forgive)
Intelligence (it has been proven that high intelligent people tend to affair less)
Children vs no children


I'm sorry but I just see too many things that can effect both the MLCer and the spouse to give any concrete answers or statistics.  Just my opinion.

I do, however, think a large majority of MLCer's do WANT to return.  Some have the strength to try and some don't.
It takes courage, honesty and strength with oneself to take the leap.  They don't all have that and stay stuck in the life they chose other will fight to get their family back.