Oh... I have so many.. Still in the process of deciphering some.. Most I've totally discarded as garbage.. There is some truth in a few.. but not many...
I do love you, I do care about you, I'm just not happy.. I ask why are you unhappy? I don't know... I'm just not..
I don't want to be married, Why? I don't want to be married to you. Why? I don't know? Did you stop loving, caring, wanting me? Still unable to answer this one.. Just looks confused and doesn't respond..
Our life wasn't a total lie - Still not sure what this means?? He's graduated since this to know he "hates" me..
I hate what I do, I hate my job. The only reason I go to that miserable $%($*#*%&^@ place is for you and s.. All I do is suffer for you and s (time frame of suffering has varied from the past year to the entire relationship of 15 years)
This started last Fall.. This tells a wife, I hate being responsible for you and s and I'm angry that I feel obligated to do so, work sucks right now, and it's all your fault.. I twisted this into, he's unhappy / miserable at work because of me and having responsibilities.... I tried to take the blame for this.. and it wasn't mine to bear!
We treat him like a slave - still haven't figured this out, maybe something to do with his job issues?? Financial responsibilities?? It's certainly NOT because I don't work to contribute or am the full caretaker of everything within the home, cars, yard is on him.. Yet, he's free to and always has been, to do, say, act, purchase do anything he chooses to... With or without my input.. According to him, he works hard, he deserves it.. Scratching my head still...
I can't live with you because you sleep with the tv on (yes, I did, haven't slept with the tv on in almost 5 months, that was hard, but actually helped me a lot)
You are too dramatic - always some kind of drama.. Can't take it.. Wow... After the initial shock (which I still have at times) has begun to subside, I realized, all of the "drama" talk was actually his projection.. Our lives centered around HIS drama, work, family, etc.. He would "hear" mine but his was always center stage and "one upped" me every time - primarily since AI.
You are codependent, mistrusting, and too emotional - Well.. Hmmmm..... After months and a ridiculous amount of money, spent on therapy and every self help book, marriage boot camp, etc I could get my hands on, I realized that yes, I did / do have some of those characteristics. It's the root of them, how they were triggered that finally made me realize what was happening in our marriage.. and to me!!! There are aspects of codependency that are healthy in a marriage - for the most part, this didn't become an issue, for me, until last summer, when the major change in behavior began.. My whole being freaked and it was already in panic mode as our only child went off to college.. I became more depressed, more emotional (thanks menopause fairy, your great) and became such needy, emotional roller coaster that I couldn't see the forest through the trees... I was reacting to his behavior and feeling the beginning of the emotional detachment.. He wasn't fully gone, until after he left in April. That's when h ceased to exist. That was full AI.. Mistrusting - became that way.. But only after I allowed my own insecurities about my physical appearance make assumptions that his new secret porn fantasy was more than it was.. That's my issue and I'm working hard to really embrace my inward beauty and remember that is what matters most.. I know that is a huge issue with h, I did, for the past year, I accused him of cheating.. are wanting to.. thinking he wanted to, all because of his behavior.. I still do not believe he would ever.. Of course, that was up until AI and the alien has taken full control of everything.. I no longer know, don't really want to!
S will be fine, he's 19, I'm not abandoning him, I'm abandoning you (d word goes here too), I will never give S another dime, how dare he question my decision to leave, S is tired of listening to you talk about what I've done to you, S doesn't want to come home because you are crazy, you don't have a family anymore, S doesn't care he's just a selfish brat who just wants to get his way, I will always be here for s, he will always be my son (mind you, he has NO contact with s, whatsoever...)
This is just the stuff that I can somewhat recall.. Some of this was immediately after AI and my memory of that whole time period is somewhat blurry.. But some I have in text and email.. So it does help me understand exactly what was said.. Still doesn't make sense to me at all!!! Yes, the last year was rough.. But was it all of this??!! No.. We were doing a pretty good job of growing into our empty nest, it is a huge transition for us, just as it is for s.. It was rough but I realized around November, we were getting through it, growing closer, what a great time we were having.. Then in February, it all begin to change.. and I had NO idea what was looming..
I could write a book on just the things this thing has said to me.. Somewhere inside is my h, I pray he's fighting to get out but without getting to graphic, some of the names and things he's said to me are simply inhumane.. Something he would have never said to me in the past.. and sadly, it's getting worse.. Going dark has stopped some of this but it's the same verse, it just seems to keep getting nastier, uglier, and more out of control... with more colorful adjectives and pronouns.. But it's still the same, hasn't changed the tune at all.. At times he's throws out new info but usually it's when he's in full alien mode and it's always awful and hurtful..
I just no longer listen.. It's the only way I've been able to reach a point where I can honestly, detach and when I'm required to interact with him, do so from a place of kindness but not without remembering what type of thing I'm dealing with.. Not so much remembering what he's done and said, it's remembering what he's currently struggling with and what his decision making process is capable of doing..
It's hard not to take their personal attacks against us, personally. There is so much garbage, that we know is totally untrue, however, in their mess, there are some threads of truth, and those, are the ones that I've found to be the most devastating for me to find and work on for myself.. It's the part of seeing what my behavior and reactions were that led to this.. I know this isn't about me but yet, the way I've behaved prior to AI, wasn't healthy either, I'm not that person and I refuse to be out of control emotionally, ever again.. What's the most interesting, of all the bull that they "claim" is why they leave, cheat, d, whatever path they choose, most of it is complete trash... and it's difficult to remember that WE are NOT what they claim...
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MLC Script VI