[MIMIx]

Forum friends,

I thought that I would start a new thread with a new topic.

I would like to hear from experienced people, what is meant by 'leading the way'.

 I think i understand the concept and why you would use it but would like some specific examples of how you led the way. 

My understanding of this is, if they come to you for help,  be a beacon for them, a pillar of strength.  Be there for them.  Be a listener, not a talker.   If they need help, help them.

A bullet point list would be great.

All the best,
Mimi

[Returned]

Hmmm I am not so sure I agree with your interpretation of leading the way.

I think the way to be a beacon is to get your own life together:
Live a happy, healthy, fulfilling, productive drama-free existence.

Make sure that your life does not contain self-destructive behaviors.

In other words set a good example for the MLCer.

However when you talk about "helping them" well there I start to get worried.
One of the key problems MLCers have is that they act without taking into account the consequences of their actions. That is to say they quit their jobs, without thinking what are they going to do if they are unemployed; they spend their retirement without thinking what are they going to do without retirement money; they go into debt without thinking how they are going to pay off their debt; they are promiscuous without thinking they might catch a disease and they alienate their children without thinking who is going to be there for them when they get older.

One of the problems with "helping" the MLCer is that you allow them to continue to live the fantasy of having two spouses, of being irresponsible, and most of all with respect to MLCers is that you "mommy" them. Male MLCers are used to looking at the LBS as their mommy who will get them out of trouble. A lot of MLC is really just a repeat of adolescent rebellion.

I think the best way we can help them is by setting a good example with our own lives, and waiting for their brain to mature.

[Peace Joy Love and Time]

Male MLCers are used to looking at the LBS as their mommy who will get them out of trouble

Do you think this is why they are so angry with LBS about money? Especially if LBS was the one to take care of the money before BD??

[MIMIx]

I think the way to be a beacon is to get your own life together:
Live a happy, healthy, fulfilling, productive drama-free

In other words set a good example for the MLCer.

I think the best way we can help them is by setting a good example with our own lives, and waiting for their brain to mature.

Agreed.

[superdog]

Hey there, completely agree with long journey.

I believe that our ability to employ coping strategies which ultimately lead to us getting on with our lives, in spite of what they have done, is what the mlcer sits back and thinks about. They do not posses these coping strategies and never have.

I remember my h saying to me that he didn't know how he would have coped if I had said some of the things he said to me.

I think in the beginning it causes even more resentment towards us, but they sit up and think how? How is she okay? What does she know that I don't? I thought she would never cope with work, kids, bills, house etc etc but look at her she is even happy how???

They never achieve this, not while in crisis. But they look and they learn.

I do not think for a second we should help them in any way. They choose, they loose. We made the right choices and look how happy we are. Would t you like to be us?

By all means listen etc, but in my situation I have listened and all I have heard is deluded nonsense and this is after 5 years. In one ear and out the other.

Sd
X

[MIMIx]

Hmmm....

I would agree that they should not be helped while still running and being cuckoo. I also do not mean that you do the rehab work for them either.  I just mean that the hand gets extended...

But, what if they appear to have hit rock bottom?  No where to turn but to you because you are the one who they still trust?  Once their happiness options have run out and they have nowhere else to turn?

I have read a few returning stories and the common theme is that the MLCer is so very thankful that their wife was always there for them.  That the option of return was always open. 

This is where I am coming from.  I would agree 100% that any help you offer in early days would only be enabling.  But what if you receive a distress call from them after 2 years of this craziness?  Would you still recommend the same advice?

[DCD]

Interesting topic.

But, what if they appear to have hit rock bottom?  No where to turn but to you because you are the one who they still trust?  Once their happiness options have run out and they have nowhere else to turn?

I have read a few returning stories and the common theme is that the MLCer is so very thankful that their wife was always there for them.  That the option of return was always open. 

This is where I am coming from.  I would agree 100% that any help you offer in early days would only be enabling.  But what if you receive a distress call from them after 2 years of this craziness?  Would you still recommend the same advice?

My 2 cents...and likely worth as much is that they tend to  bounce...rock bottom seems to have a bit of spring to it  .   Four and a half years in, I've lived, seen, heard about a few reconnections/extended touch and goes and, with a few exceptions, mlcers seem to find that extra pocket of energy, and off they go again - ESPECIALLY at the two-year mark.  My opinion, again for what it's worth, is that the two-year mark is, on average, just the end of the beginning and not the beginning of the end.  There are seemingly moments of clarity at this time but generally just enough to know that they've already caused a lot of damage but they're still not in any condition nor do they really WANT to actually do the work involved. Their two worlds are still being compared. And as crappy as their new world may be turning out, their old world (in their still quite foggy mind) was enough to set them running in the first place.  Not to mention how stupid(er) they'd look having to go back, revisit all the lies told about the lbs and having to admit "ya...my bad".  The thing is, we can't tell what we're dealing with until we look back at it.  We'll likely experience dozens of moderate to heavy touch and goes, ow breakups, moments of clarity...how exhausting and painful, mentally and emotionally, it would be if each of these sends us off into high reconnection alert.

As far as what can and should be done on our end, I agree with the general consensus of living as if they won't be back, continue focussing on self and family, continue to protect finances, being kind and without expectation, and work on building a life you truly enjoy.  Be yourself and not someone you think might attract husband back. Your authentic self will be attractive to someone who shares your values. Your joyful authentic self is the best lighthouse in the fog.

[Searching4Answers]

I agree with the others that we don't know if they have hit bottom or not until we can look back - you will not know when it is happening.

But, what if they appear to have hit rock bottom?  No where to turn but to you because you are the one who they still trust?  Once their happiness options have run out and they have nowhere else to turn?

The MLCer is never going to come out of it if they continue to look to someone else to help them - this includes us! They are running and they will continue to run until they look in themselves for the help that they need. The best thing for the LBSer to do is get strong and hold their boundaries. I believe that the MLCer needs to see us as being consistent in our words and actions. We cannot make them happy.

I have read a few returning stories and the common theme is that the MLCer is so very thankful that their wife was always there for them.  That the option of return was always open. 

Yes this is a common theme but I think the commonality is that they were consistent. They kept their distance and let the MLCer work out their own issues, then when the MLCer's actions matched their words the LBS makes adjustments in order to guide the MLCer.

But what if you receive a distress call from them after 2 years of this craziness?  Would you still recommend the same advice?

Yes - you have to remain detached until you can look back and see where they were. The MLCer will often reach out to us in distress but that doesn't mean that they are ready for our guidance. They need our strength - they test us to see if our strength is real which why we get the distress call only to have them run again because they are not ready. When they are ready they will move towards us regardless of what we do.

[MIMIx]

I hear all of you loud and clear!

I guess it's onward and upward.  Feeling my way as I inch along.

Luckily, I see the personal importance of having no expectations and just getting on with my own life.

[MeNow]

Leading for me means being the new, improved, confident you and showing it. Being able to look them in the eye and have no fear of what they'll do or say.