[beckergabriel]

Hey folks,

Ive been thinking about this subject for a few weeks, and would like to throw my ideas out there as to why the idea of a MLC and the reality of this event is so largely unrecognized and dismissed.

1. Counselors-  Many times when an MLC hits.   it brings those in it and those affected by it through the doors of a marital counselor.   But that counselor only sees whats coming through the door, and not who the affected individual was before this event.   In most cases, the affected MLCer, is relatively sane.  Its very difficult for anybody just meeting an MLCer to think.  "there is really something wrong with this individual"  Furthermore, an MLCer can "explain away" all of their behaviors.    Theres nothing an MLCer is doing that they can't completely explain.

2. Family & Friends- MLCers will typically show their best and most sane behavior to family and friends.   Family and Friends may not like what they see.  They may not like the decisions being made by the affected person, but at most I feel that they would say that the affected person is exhibiting some "extreme behavior" with regard to emotions and decisions being made.  But nothing beyond this.   

3. Non affected Spouse-  The spouse is really the only one who truly understands the extent of the difference being shown by the MLCer.  First of all the MLCer shows his or her worst behavior to the spouse.  The MLCer will hold the deepest most revealing conversations with his or her spouse.   It takes a spouse to really see the subtle changes within the affected spouse many times.
And Finally, The Non affected Spouse has GREAT difficulty in explaining the MLC and the changes in the MLCer to others without being seen as somebody either in denial of whats going on, or somebody looking to skirt the blame that the MLCer is throwing the non affected spouses way by saying that all the horrible things the MLCer is saying is not true, and that He or She is having an EVENT.

[Ready2Transform]

Totally agree with you.  And some of the more outlandish characteristics mimic personality and mood disorders, with the physical attributes sometimes falling under adrenal/thyroid problems, andropause, menopause, or peri-menopause, so they tend to get diagnosed in those categories if they do seek medical or psychiatric help, with the "MLC" heading still being regarded largely as an affair with the secretary or a red sports car.  It takes a lot of observation and a willing patient (good luck!) to really determine how much of all of these things are all related to each other, THEN to figure out what to do about them.  By then - your family is tired of hearing it, your friends would rather just get you a match.com profile, and you're pretty much having your own MLC from the stress.   

[terrified_in_TN]

I too was curious about that.  When I had my initial consultation with lawyer #1 I asked if they had any experience with "MLC", and they asked "what is that", so I told them what it stood for, and I got the response "yeah, my MLC car is a mercedes convertible" 

When I approached lawyer #2 about it (she is also a judge), she readily admitted that the courts (where I am anyway) do NOT recognize MLC.

-T

[Thunder]

becker,  I have struggled with this for 4 years now.

I have accepted that the medical community and most people do not understand this.
It is only when it happens to "them" that they get it.

It is not a normal thing that happens to people.  It is odd. 

It doesn't look like anything that makes any sense so they explain it the only way that makes sense to them.

"People change."  "People grow apart."  "You need to move on."
It does nothing to help us, but those are the answers we get.

[bipolared]

I have gotten that the MLCers were always like this, that they just got tired of playing along. 
The attorneys I have spoken with thus far seem to have knowledge of it but even they seem to take that view, or else they don't seem to have any experience with anyone ever coming out of it. 
I guess too, that we LBSers aren't the most believable people at first with us being shell shocked, dropping drastic amounts of weight, and other physical symptoms!  Still, it seems like this would merit some attention-a group of people largely in the same age group saying and doing all the same crazy things.

[patience.of.a.saint]

It IS really strange that not more people understand it. There are so many other disorders that one can't wrap their brain around because they have not experienced it or have not known someone with it. Why is this one so different? I suppose it's like people say, that most would just move on, assuming the MLCer was done.

I had NO IDEA that's what my exH was going through when he left. I pretty much took him at his word that he was no longer in love, plus he wanted to drink and had been a royal pain for a good year anyway. I will say that in that case, I totally did not pursue him and he never once made any signs of wanting to come back. It will be 10 years ago on Saturday. Reading this forum about all the other MLCers was the only way I'd ever have related what he did to an MLC and he was and still is just as script as any of the rest of them. If it weren't for the kids, he'd have been a vanisher...pretty much is except for birthdays and Christmas.

It still boggles my mind that they can be the same, yet different. Had my current MLCer walked away like my exH did, I never would've known about this at all. I only started looking things up because he was saying he didn't want to be with me, yet here he was almost every other week for the first nine months. It made no sense to me so here I am with the rest of you. I guess that's what concerns me with the current one...I never pursued the first one at all and he never came back...I want this one back and the advice here is to NOT pursue. NOT pursuing the last time ended me up alone. Nobody really knows the right answers to this at all.

[Passiflora]

I must say that "our" MC did point out that my H was/is having a MLC. He didn't use the word MLC, he used 50-year old crisis (I think that maybe that's because that expression is more common in our country) Also, got another friend who's H also suffers from MLC, their MC also didn't use MLC as a word but pointed out in session that unless her H got himself some individual counseling, which he needed, this sessions is not going to be fruitful. Our MC, did explain some to me some of the weird stuff my H did and why, why I was the bad guy and the OW was all painted in white colors etc. (The most I got from pages like this one and also a lot of reading about male depressions and how society misses the depressions since the symptoms are so different). My city has even a special "unit" for men in crisis. But as they pointed out to me when I called them; "even if you put all the Kings horses together, they could not drag him here. Men (maybe true for women don't know) just don't get help until it is really bad. I also read somewhere that men almost never seek help for the depression, per se, they seek help for more visual signs, like bad sleeping patterns, headaches, back hurts etc. or when they lost their wife's and are devastated over the divorce, lost of children etc. But I totally agree with you that society should take this issue more seriously. On the other hand, what could have been done during the stage when we, LBS, started to see the changes, got the lying/blame/cheating/strange behavior, usually during "replay"? Some do file and take legal action when they get physical abused. I got all the 4 different abuses but I still didn't file, shame on me, but the verbal, psycological and emotional abuse is difficult to get evidence from.

Friends and family, Well that's a tough one! "Our" friends, that I've spoken with after this summer they do understand that something is not OK with H and is given me full support. One friend who knows my H pretty well (not from my country but moved close this autumn) called some friends (psychologist) of his in India and they "confirmed" that my story was correct and that my H was having a "mlc" (didn't use the word) Family, our sons do get it, my H brother does not. First I think they did find my H behavior pretty strange but they change their minds, don't know if this is due to manipulating and lies from H or if they just are feed up with him, might be that they just don't care (very easy) or if "blood is thicker than water" no matter what "blood" does (they have not shown any care for our sons at all during this time, adult sons 24+25, but still not asked one question about how they are cooping with what their dad is doing. But my xSIL, she supports me and get the hole mlc/depression thing, but she did herself date (was the OW) to a mlc-guy, lasted 15 months or so until he broke down in tears and she left him. He went back to his wife but she gets everything and remembers how it was exactly the same from what I told and tell her about mlc. But I think I'm the only one who can see my H dark eyes, grey skin etc. Sons say that they see that he does look tired but he has not yet wanted to talk about it, not to anyone.

My H's coworkers (I don't know them) did unfriend the OW on FB, so did my H and I'm pretty sure they broke up, even if my H haven't said anything to anyone but something has happen since I've seen photos of the OW still together with her H and that H plus friends of him from work "unfriend" (the OW did belong to the same circle of friends) that does not verified that they understand mlc only that something happened with this "love story" and that it possibly broke down, I know.

Long reply but very interesting topic!

   

[Jackolar12]

Hi Beckergabriel,
This is a very valid point as the psychiatric and medical communities  as well as the justice ( what justice ) system  know about Mlc but will rarely admit to it.

To my knowledge I am unaware of impiracle evidence to prove midlife crisis is real, on ther other hand with 2600 plus members on this board alone we all can't be wrong or deluded, the denial of Mlc seems to echo across the western world possibly because of media advertising of living the perfect life and readily available cosmetic surgery to fight off the signs of ageing  and our advanced medical communities to keep us going.

Now this isn't true of other non western countries and if there is impiracle data to prove I'm wrong I will be glad to look it over. Now take this as a scenario, let's say midlife crisis was recognised as a disease or mental affliction and recognised in the DSM-5 diagnosis guide. Right all the symptoms depression, mania etc are present and the diagnosis is made that he/she is indeed in Mlc .
What could the ramifications be if the went for an interview and on their CV it said under medical history Mlc, also would people claim on insurance policies that they have an incurable disease or condition. Would a judge let them take the stand if they are manic or depressed you get my drift. It would open a massive can of worms that would cost governments astronomical sums of money which they could be spending elsewhere .

 Just my theory
It's far easier for the system to turn their backs let divorces happen and rake in the money from the taxes it generates and then rake in even more taxes when they have to strive  to rebuild their shattered futures.

Personally with the amount of divorces going on today I think there should be a mental health evaluation of all parties before it starts as anyone who is in the divorce process will be stressed Mlc or not.
Regards
Jackolar

[OldPilot]

2. Family & Friends- MLCers will typically show their best and most sane behavior to family and friends.   Family and Friends may not like what they see.  They may not like the decisions being made by the affected person, but at most I feel that they would say that the affected person is exhibiting some "extreme behavior" with regard to emotions and decisions being made.  But nothing beyond this.   

Eventually they all see through the fog,

Covenantkeeper a long time poster here just posted on FB how all her husbands brothers have now disowned him and she is the only one concerned about him.
He has now vanished and bomb drop was over 5 years ago.

[Neo]

This topic is one that all of us think of, more than likely, on weekly basis.

My thoughts are as follows. There are several issues that we are battling against with MLC. First, it's a very individualized process, although 2600 people on this site seems like a large number, compared to the age group of 35-55 year old's in the industrialized western world, it doesn't even register. Second, unlike many other "diseases" that people contract, our spouses aren't willing participants that want to get diagnosed, because they don't see it as their issue, they see us as their issue. Thirdly, most people don't like to get involved in any relationship issues between two people, even if they are close relatives. They feel as though its none of their business and want to stay out of it, even though they may see the dramatic changes in their relative. The old adage, that blood is thicker than water is an appropriate description.

We are also battling time. Time is both an ally and an enemy.  Time and patience, ends up revealing to everyone that the MLCer comes into contact with, how absolutely deranged that they are, but it takes time for this to occur. Time is an enemy because it does take time for the MLCer's mask to fall away revealing the irrational person underneath. Why do you think that  so  many of the MLCer's end up losing their jobs? It's because time reveals the pain and hurt within them. That pain and hurt, which was originally taken out on the LBSer is now turned against ANYONE, when the MLCer can't project onto the LBSer any longer. This is the point when their coworkers finally see what the LBSer was exposed  to many months earlier. This is also when the relatives and friends see the disturbed individual and recognize the shift in their personality.   

The medical community is always behind the times on most diseases. The reason? They need a larger subset of people to complain about it, bring hard evidence to them about it, so that they can use it to form hypothesis and then test those hypothesis. As I said earlier, they need willing subjects to want to find out what is wrong  with them. The issue is that this "disease" can't be corrected with current medical science. Medical science wants to treat symptoms, because they are the most evident, they have a difficult time in ferreting out the root cause and treating that. In addition, society in general isn't very good at dealing with mental illness. Mental illness is very complex and as such, is hard diagnose let alone treat. Once again, they treat the symptoms and not the root cause. The only thing they seem to be able to do is prescribe an anti-depressant, which only treats some of the symptoms. When it comes to counseling, as many have alluded to already, it's ineffective, because most counselors either dismiss it altogether or are ill equipped to deal with it. They need to be specialists in this arena and I am sure they are few and far between.

Another issue is, its a he said, she said, pointing of fingers. How is someone, whether it be a judge, a physician or a counselor supposed to know how this person behaved prior  to MLC? They have the LBSer's information only and then IF they are able to get any information from the MLCer, all they do is spew lies  and the only one  that knows they are lies, is  the LBSer. So, who are they to believe? Unless the LBSer has hard, documented evidence to provide to someone, then it is nearly impossible for the LBSer to prove their case. That then leaves the LBSer dealing with this all on their own. We then internalize it and it manifests itself through depression, weight loss, continual negative thoughts and on and on. We are left to our own, to struggle through this madness. The only way we  get any understanding is when we band together on forums such as this. We finally have the continuity from others going through the same thing that validates we aren't crazy and that this is a more widespread issue than most people  understand or  believe exists.