[terrified_in_TN]

Lets take it a step further...

How many species are monogamous for life?  Was man supposed to be?  I know that is what we were TAUGHT.  But what is our "reptilian" brain programmed for?  And what IS the origin of marriage?  I honestly do not know, but will take a guess that it has its roots based in religion.  Obviously I am not religious at all (but I'm not an atheist either), but now I can't help but wonder if "marriage" goes against the very nature of our natural instincts.  In other words, we are taught one thing, our bodies want to do another-no wonder it stings so bad when things go south.

-T

[stayed]

I have also WONDERED about that Tint.  All that myth about Beavers and Geese remaining with one partner their entire lives... BULL DROPPING!  Genealogy has proven otherwise!  Something else I saw that utterly horrified me, we were at lake full of ducks, geese, all manner of fowls.  Anyway, we saw this swarm of ducks, and they were fighting over something, at least that is how it looked.  We went closer and to our horror, it was a bunch of mallards, fighting over a little female mallard.  We couldn't believe she didn't drown, eventually she escaped.  But we are pretty sure, she was being gang raped! 

So much for those LOVELY Disney movies I grew up with.  I have seen it happen since that time.  I feel completely LIED to.  I had always said, that we should not compare HUMANS to the animal kingdom, it was an insult to animals.  That animals did not KILL or rape, just for the thrill of it.  Turns out, I was mislead... animals do rape and do kill for no good reason.

I don't know what to believe anymore TinT... 

Hugs Stayed

[Songanddance]

I can't help but wonder what percentage of the population went through MLC in the 40s?  50s?  60s? etc.  I seem to recall this phenomenon is only a problem in westernized civilizations.  I wish I could recall the sources, but it seems to me that it is mostly a systemic problem.  I would garner a bet that back in the 40s and 50s VERY few women had MLCs.

 On BBC radio 4 there is a programme called woman's hour - it has been running for years. It has moved from the domestic tips to really good discussions about everything and I mean everything. It did a section on mid life crisis. It was a bit glib and superficial but one of the comments on there was from an older woman (in her 60s) who talked about her father disappearing for a couple of years when she was in her late teens and the only thing her mother said was that it was "normal" men did this kind of thing when they got to a certain age.  Her father came back and she now understood that he had an OW - lived with her but carried on as normal and then returned to his family after a few years.  This lady said that it happened to quite a few of her friends as they were growing up but everyone was stoical about it and accepted it as the "norm"

Just to throw that in there- maybe we are less stoic than our previous generations - may be the fact that we all have to be in touch with our feelings or we aren't human is actually doing us a disservice.
Maybe expectations are too high on both sides. Women can break through the glass ceiling, be fit and sexy, have many children, keep the home immaculate and be financially independent - the same way that men are expected to be in a financially rewarding job, an excellent housekeeper, a loving hands on father, does the cooking, keeps fit and sexy, is romantic all the time, in touch with his softer side etc...etc.....

I am not dismissing any of those attributes - I just think that we place too much pressure on ourselves and when MLC hits it ups the ante and we struggle to think we have to be all those things for successful relationships. Not so - to thine own self be true.

[terrified_in_TN]

Stayed-WOW, since you stood for your marriage and it worked out, honestly you were the last person I would believe would have an open mind like that.  I do believe there are always exceptions to the rule (that some people bond for life), but now I just can't help but wonder if what we are TAUGHT goes against what we really ARE.

S&D-Interesting; I have no doubt it happened back in the day, but I'll bet as time marched on MLC increased in frequency.  Also, back in the day I'll bet very FEW women ever did such a thing.  I'm sure a lot of them might have wanted to.  Again, would LOVE to see some historical data.  I also wonder how many women back in the day "wanted to run", but were able to refrain from it.  I look at my own sitch-My mom and dad from the best I can tell had a "loveless" marriage (although now that dad has past, mom swears she loved him).  However they never divorced, and my mom never remarried.  She can make excuses all she wants about not meeting the right man, etc-the REAL reason she never remarried is she would lose that military pension.

Oh, this might upset the applecart a little bit-PLEASE, no disrespect intended, but I wonder how many "returning" MLCers really just come to the conclusion that there is no better options out there, and finally return and accept the life they had and the benefits that go along with it.  Again, just looking at my own sitch-I doubt my w will ever want to come back (although EVERYONE seems to think she will one day).  *IF* she ever decides to, I already know when it will be:  About six years from now, after the money is all gone, the thrill is over, and she sees the life ahead into old age is less stellar than the one we would have had together.  I stand to potentially get a decent inheritance when my mom passes.  I'll be damned if I get raked over the coals again.

Sorry, getting out in left field now with my own sitch...-EDIT- But I will say this:  Sorry, you don't treat me like crap, bad mouth me, make me fight for my kids, waste what I have worked so hard for for 20 years, then come back and say "I'm sorry; let's spend the rest of our lives together because I now know we were meant to be together" and live the rest of your life in comfort.  Nope, not gonna happen.  Then again, maybe I'm just in the anger stage LOL -END EDIT-

-T

[MeNow]

Let's see...

financially rewarding job - check
housekeeper - check
hands on father - check
cooking - check
fit and sexy - check
romantic - check
softer side - check
*Bonus* I have a wardrobe that MLC'ers can only wish they had.
 
OK, why am I single? 

TN, if W thinks she can come back and things be the same as they were, she'll find the door locked. One thing I've discovered during all this is that I want a better marriage than I had. I'm willing to do the work and so must she.

[terrified_in_TN]

...

TN, if W thinks she can come back and things be the same as they were, she'll find the door locked. One thing I've discovered during all this is that I want a better marriage than I had. I'm willing to do the work and so must she.

  I know that no one knows the future, and w is so prideful that she may never want to, but I was just saying *IF* she comes to that decision, I already know when and why.

  Here is something about me that could probably use some mirror work, but I will NOT change it.  I like who I am, but I do have one serious character flaw:

I am the MOST EASY GOING person on the planet.  Since I am such a conflict avoider and a pleaser, I get along with EVERYONE.  I've never met an enemy.  Also, I am very logical, and keep my emotions in check (until MLC that is).  Even on the rare occasions where there was unrest in the household, I was always the one to keep a level head and work things out to keep the peace.  Someone else has the nickname, but mine prior to MLC should have been "patience of a saint".  Also, not tooting my own horn, but everyone likes me and looks up to me because I am very smart.

So the flaw...

When you wrong me and FINALLY cross that line (and it takes a LOT to do), you wrong me for LIFE.  I am so easy going and trusting to the point of nativity, that if you do stab me in the back, I hold PERMANENT grudges.  There is usually NO forgiveness.  I didn't speak to my own mother for twenty years after a falling out when my dad passed away, and the ONLY reason we r is because my sister-in-law after MUCH convincing suggested I reach out.

I know this is a horrible way to live I guess, but my thing is you have my full friendship, trust, and respect.  I also realize everyone makes mistakes, so I forgive a LOT (too much), but when that line gets crossed, that's the end of the road for me.

-T

-EDIT-  Guess I should add a little disclaimer.  I am not mad AT the wife for MLC, or even the affair.  I know most guys have a hard time forgiving infidelity; to me its no big deal.  Its just sex.  Its carnal.  Its instinctive.  What I just can't get past is the sheer nastiness from someone who I have bent over backwards to please my entire life.  I am not perfect, but I have been nothing but nice our entire r.  How you can be such a b!tc# to someone you supposedly cared about for 20+ years for NO REAL GOOD REASON is what I have a hard time swallowing.-END EDIT-

[Dji76]

Menow, u r single for the same reason lots of us are. You chose to be! At least at the moment. Like u im fit, well dressed, successful, cook etc. Not to sound conceded but I feel like I'm in the "upper 25%" lol! And u know what??? It's that confidence and swagger that women find attractive IMO. MeNow let me ask u this... Are u living your life in a way that is condusive to meeting someone new? What I mean is are you truly done with your ex or are you still putting some energy into that lost R? I'm not judging u as I am still putting much mental/emotional energy into my failing marriage. My point is that until we truly move on we are not likely to attract a new relationship. I highly doubt anyone here will have a hard time finding another relationship once they truly let go, find their confidence and put themselves out there.

[Dji76]

TN try not to look at that as a flaw! Think of it as you have boundaries and protect yourself once you have reached your limit. I'm like u... I get along with most everyone but push me far enough and u no longer exist to me. Granted it takes a ton to get me to that point but once the line is crossed its crossed for good. I suggest you reframe that in your mind as a strength. If you feel like the conflict avoidance is extreme than work on it and turn it into a strength as well. You are way ahead of most people in simply recognizing it!

[riverbirch]

Can I just add a comment on the bad boy thing.

Hell I would rather have a man that would like to spend time with family instead of a bar room any day. Someone that treats you with respect, is loving and thinks of me only, not a dozen other chicks or whatever walks by. A man that works a real job not just for money either,but someone who's not a lazy a$$ bum.  A good,decent man is better than some jerk.

Another thing. Why would someone share comments with anyone's spouse or whatever , from here.? I can understand talking with members from here. We've all made friends here,but to tell info to someone outside here is wrong!

[MeNow]

Menow, u r single for the same reason lots of us are. You chose to be! At least at the moment. Like u im fit, well dressed, successful, cook etc. Not to sound conceded but I feel like I'm in the "upper 25%" lol! And u know what??? It's that confidence and swagger that women find attractive IMO. MeNow let me ask u this... Are u living your life in a way that is condusive to meeting someone new? What I mean is are you truly done with your ex or are you still putting some energy into that lost R? I'm not judging u as I am still putting much mental/emotional energy into my failing marriage. My point is that until we truly move on we are not likely to attract a new relationship. I highly doubt anyone here will have a hard time finding another relationship once they truly let go, find their confidence and put themselves out there.

That's correct. I'm not quite done with W yet. I believe my family intact is the best outcome but I also think if I met the right person I might go for it. My kids is what seems to hold me back the most.