[Is it still love, in love, or loving what we once had?]

Is it still love, in love, or loving what we once had?

In Love

2 (10%)

Love

9 (45%)

Loving what you USED to have.

9 (45%)

Total Members Voted: 20

[bookwrmmom]

So I asked another HS friend this last night, and I have had to ask myself this very difficult question. When we are so desperately wanting to reconcile/restore our marriage is it because we love our spouse? So I have asked myself (a while back) and not all of you what your take on this is.

Here is mine: I will always love the man he used to be, but somewhere along the way (probably longer then I care to think about) he stopped being that man. Yes there were things about him that showed that parts of that man still existed, but it came out when he wanted it to. One thing all of us LBS have is time. Time for reflection and looking back WITHOUT the rose colored glasses on. It takes a while after BD for those rose colored glasses to come off, because we tend to DEFEND the person who has so brutally betrayed us. I also loved being married, and taking care of my family (although I lost myself along the way). But I can honestly say that the man that he was for a year (and he seems to be getting his mind back some-but too soon to tell), HELL no I don't love that man at all. It took me a while to realize that because as most of our MLCer's do, he showed me glimpses of the old H (cycling).

So my friends something to think about and reflect on. Don't answer to quickly, unless you have been at this a while and really know the answer.

Also there is no right or wrong answer, because even if you are a stander love something that can come back (with work, effort, and time). I ask this question because I do think that there are some of us that need to really think about what you are fighting for (I stopped months ago).

Thanks for any input.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Even now, while she's going through this crisis, I feel my wife is the most interesting woman I have ever known and I can't imagine a future without her in it. Of course I'm still relatively new at this with just 7 months since BD. The thing is, I recognized she had her faults prior to BD and I loved her anyway. Now I see some of those same faults but they've been magnified. My daughter has told me I deserve more but my wife is the woman I want to be with. I like to think that she may come out of this a better person and that she will want to be with me then. I know I'm not in love because that implies infatuation which indicates you don't see their faults. So I'll take two out of three, I love my wife and I love the person she used to be and I also hope to be allowed to love the person she becomes.

[Bailmor]

book, I do think it is love, but that love will always be there, regardless of the outcome, I think.  It is hard when those sentiments are not reciprocated by the MLCer.  There comes a time when your empty "love tank" need to be gradually refilled and the spouses are not that resource.  Time to think about and evaluate the future and what lies ahead.

I know in my case, my W hasn't the "foggiest" idea of how to even approach this at this time.  But it is not my job to guide her in a direction.  She has to put the effort forward.  She is of free will and an adult capable of making decisions and mistakes. 

I, on the other hand, want to begin and continue living life to the fullest.  Too bad my love can't be shared with the one who stole my heart 21 years ago! 

[LisaLives]

I also think you left out an option--are you in love with the idea of a better future?  I can look back on my M and know that my H never became the man I thought he was, but I never gave up hope that he would.  As I see him now, he is still that man, and I don't see him changing.  So I am lucky he gave me an out.

In my case, I fell in love with a man who had big dreams and so much potential.  What I thought was that one day we would achieve "enough" and be happy.  What I didn't know was that NOTHING was ever going to be enough.  If I had known more, I would have seen it in his parents, but I was too young and too green to understand that some people are never satisfied--and I was marrying one...  So, until I let go, what I most missed was what I HOPED FOR.  But in reality, that dream was likely never going to be realized. 

Now I have a BETTER.  I have ME and my happiness, my ability to be content with my lot in life and only choose people who feel the same way--people who see me as enough, just the way I am, not the way I could/should/might be and then always be disappointed.  Just a thought, ll

[Absolutely Fabulous]

This is a hard one. The pain is palatable, but at this point I'm not sure. I know that he's in there somewhere, but keeps insisting on a divorce.

Monster likes head games. So, do I love the "kid" he is now? Can't say that I do. H is a selfish, spoiled, arrogant, cocky, egotisitical, snot nosed, teenaged brat.

Even when he's cycling I can't trust him. So I'm not really sure of anything , at this point. Don't really know how I feel these days either, to be brutally honest. What I do know is that the irrationality and craziness of it all is not my burden to bear, but I and my girls, are bearing it anyway. Thank God for self love, and the love of my girls. That helps my emotional tank stay somewhat full.

[toomanytearss]

Well book, that is a tough question and one I've thought about many, many times.  I still don't have the answer to it. 

Of course I loved my h very much.  But while going through this I too have had to take off those rose colored glasses and get real with myself. 

I think loving what we once had is a big yes for me.  Loving him is also a yes, but it's not the same as before.  I love him in that I don't want him to have pain (except for the boot I'd like to plant somewhere on him) or be sad, or get hurt.  Things like that.

But I don't love him like my closest friend ever, the one I trusted.  Not like a partner anymore.  Not that close relationship where you don't even have to speak sometimes, you just communicate with a look or a smile.  I don't know if that will ever return. 

So I guess I love h in a different way, not like a husband and miss what we had.  I haven't figured out if I miss what we had more than I miss loving h the way I used to. 

[superdog]

Heres a thought. It took me a good couple of years to fall out of love with my h even in the face of a man i thought was being ugly from the inside out. H on the other hand on the surface managed it pretty damn quickly.

Goes to show how far gone they actually are at bd. They are definitely out of love with you at that point and i have just said it takes us a good couple of years to catch up !

What is love anyway, really, we all have a different definition and what it means to us.

Sd
X

[bookwrmmom]

Thanks everyone for your responses so far, and reading them also makes me come to more realizations. I have dear friends and family who don't understand why I am treating H with so much kindness right now. Even though I see our marriage as over, I guess the real answer is love. I loved him too hard and too long to not TRY to end this chapter of our lives together in as good a way as I can. What good could possibly come from me treating him with hostility, or any other negative emotion? Does he deserve it? Most others would likely say yes, but at the end of the day I have to live with the choices I make. I will say that I do not trust him, and keep waiting for the monster to return (I have told him this). He promises me he will not ever be ugly with me again. Only time will tell.
So yes I do still feel love for him. I don't wish him harm, but I am not in love with him anymore.
LL you made a really good point. Many times we see the potential in the people we love, and have a hard time when they do not fulfill that potential.

[MeNow]

Things do change as time passes. I feel like I've nearly come full circle with all the choices. I went from in love after BD to realizing I'd put her on a pedestal. I think a lot of us do after BD, only seeing the good things and also out of desperation at the time.

Then it was loving what used to be. Memories. Once again, only seeing the good ones.

Then it changed to love, out of respect for all of the above mentioned. But as already said, not like I would with a close partner. I share (and receive) more intimacy with others which I wouldn't be comfortable doing with W. She stepped all over my feelings for a long time and I don't trust her with them.

It seems like I'm somewhere in between love and the next step in the cycle, which might be like something like maybe we could be friends...at best.

[sleepless]

Love what we had.

We had a great run for 15 years but now there is plainly too much damage done. Really is true that ignorance is bliss. Now that I know the depth of the disrespect and selfishness shown my family AND OM family, sadly logic overrode the love. Idealistically would be great to reunite family. Reality is no. Have to live the reality to move forward.

If I can get myself straight with being able to trust someone again, I look forward to building something better and real in the future. Good to know I'm human and I do feel both the bad and the good of life. I trust I'm going to be just fine in the right time and place. Its been a growing experience for me and I want that part to always move forward.

I am kind to xw, just like any other stranger. (That is so weird to say but is so very true)