[OldPilot]

Time to  start another.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6085.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6104.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6145.0

[Picton]

 

[Mad Hatter]

Interesting discussion on last thread; I'll just say this:

1) Standing - Stand if you want; it's your choice. Some can do it; some can't. Some can go the long haul; some can't. Only you know your limits; act accordingly.

2) Hookers / Escorts - to each their own. Personally I wouldn't pay for it, considering what is "freely" available if you are willing to hit the club / dating scene. Sexual promiscuity is at an all time high in this day and age. Men & women of all age groups are more openly engaging in casual sex than ever before. Protect yourself.

3) For the phrase "Act as if they are never going to return", seems to be a bit of mantra here as I have seen this regurgitated so many times. I guess this is open for interpretation, but to me, this means you move on with your life without worrying about a return and when you are ready, you are open to a new relationship if that is your choice.

I personally don't think "Act as if they are never going to return" and Standing go together. One presumes they are not coming back, the other is waiting in hope that they do!

[Braveheart]

I personally don't think "Act as if they are never going to return" and Standing go together. One presumes they are not coming back, the other is waiting in hope that they do!

Others may differ, but I feel that if you "fake it until you make it" by following the "Act as if they are never going to return" mantra, you eventually are put in a position of genuine abundance instead of lack. One then is in the best position to determine if they want to R or not. It becomes a matter of you don't need them in your life anymore, but are willing to consider an R if they've done the work on their end.

Personally, if the roles were reversed and I had come out of the other side of the MLC tunnel and in genuine remorse, I don't think I could live with what I'd put my kids, spouse and family through. In other forums I have read where men have attempted to R with their wives after lengthy separations. Many even one to five years in the R find they often regret their decision, feeling they've done so much selfwork and yet their wives, while somewhat remorseful have not and prefer to rugsweep the whole thing.

[stayed]

I personally don't think "Act as if they are never going to return" and Standing go together. One presumes they are not coming back, the other is waiting in hope that they do!

It becomes a matter of you don't need them in your life anymore, but are willing to consider an R if they've done the work on their end.

This is how I thought about that "mantra" Braveheart.  My h claimed he could feel me moving away from him.  Like you, I had honestly stopped looking.  I just wanted to be free from this excruciating pain and "letting go" was the only way I could find to do that.  My h came screaming back as soon as he felt the shift.  I was surprised, because I was not trying to "trick" him back.

Now, the business about them returning.  Oh goodness.  I don't think I have seen one single MLCer return COMPLETELY cooked.  My friends h returned more finished then my h, but still, HE ALSO WANTED TO SWEEP it all aside.  Both of us, had to stand very firm on that, "boundary"!  There would be no sweeping this to one side.  We would work through all of this, or at least as much as we were aware of, or we would not stay with them.

The beauty of having sorted yourself out, you are honestly capable of LEAVING them.  You can live without them, as you have done so already.  The truth is, they are the ones who have the most to lose.  As most of them have not done the work they needed to do, so they need us, as ROLE MODELS. 

As osb has experienced, with TIME they do begin to MIRROR us.  WE don't need to be nasty and anger definitely doesn't help, although many of us discovered that "anger" at that time.  I really wish I had had it out of my system before he returned, but sadly, I didn't.  So we had to WEATHER that, along with him not being fully "cooked"! 

Reconciliation is not easy, but if you are both willing to take the chance and do the work, you will be amazed at what can come out of it.  Mostly, you have to be true to yourself and you have to be totally willing to "walk away" if it isn't what you both want. 

Hugs Stayed

[Braveheart]

The mirroring part actually scares me, as when I met my X all those years ago she seemed to enjoy everything I liked and appeared to be my "Soul Mate". I never really gave it much though until she did the same thing with the OM, mirroring all his likes and dislikes, most of them 180 degree's from her previous preferences.

It could be a lot of this MLC stuff is just a form of yet to be cataloged borderline personality disorder, where they have to mirror someone else because of a lack of their own.

[bookwrmmom]

The beauty of having sorted yourself out, you are honestly capable of LEAVING them.  You can live without them, as you have done so already.  The truth is, they are the ones who have the most to lose.

Stayed I cannot believe how true this really is! When you go from thinking that you cannot BREATHE without them to thriving.....it is a powerful realization. I know it has to be a real eye-opener to H just how well I have done without him. His ego had made him believe that HE was responsible for my kids & I having a good life. What H didn't realize is that yes he worked very hard, but I was the glue that held it all together.

[elray]

I never really gave it much though until she did the same thing with the OM, mirroring all his likes and dislikes, most of them 180 degree's from her previous preferences.

BraveHeart

There are two possible conclusions -- the one you made, and which may be true for your W -- that she is a chameleon, empty of any true sense of self --

and then there is the MLC interprataion, which would say her shadow, ie her dark side, has subsumed and engulfed her -- so yes -- she is drawn to an opposite set of values. 

BookWorm -- That fierceness and strength, and personal growth has created a wide gulf between the two of you -- The challenge is not to lose it in any Reconciliation phase you might undertake.  Old, bad habits can quickly return with the proper stimulus.

[stayed]

BookWorm -- That fierceness and strength, and personal growth has created a wide gulf between the two of you -- The challenge is not to lose it in any Reconciliation phase you might undertake.  Old, bad habits can quickly return with the proper stimulus.

Without a doubt El Ray, this CAN BE very true!  More reason to become as strong and healthy as you possibly can, because OLD HABITS do die hard.  You don't ever want to go back to that.

Hugs... Stayed

[Braveheart]

I never really gave it much though until she did the same thing with the OM, mirroring all his likes and dislikes, most of them 180 degree's from her previous preferences.

BraveHeart

There are two possible conclusions -- the one you made, and which may be true for your W -- that she is a chameleon, empty of any true sense of self --

and then there is the MLC interprataion, which would say her shadow, ie her dark side, has subsumed and engulfed her -- so yes -- she is drawn to an opposite set of values. 

BookWorm -- That fierceness and strength, and personal growth has created a wide gulf between the two of you -- The challenge is not to lose it in any Reconciliation phase you might undertake.  Old, bad habits can quickly return with the proper stimulus.

That's the problem with an R after one has  "Got a Life", you are no longer who you were when you were together. This new you is totally alien to your MLC'er, many of whom seem to think the world stays static while they run the roads. Other than shared history, there might not be much left to salvage, kind of like old friends at a highschool reunion you no longer have anything in common with. After a hour or so at the reunion with them you begin to remember why you haven't kept in touch....