[terrified_in_TN]

Antimatter,

  The subject of female return stories comes up from time to time.  I don't mean to discourage, but personally I think a woman is more likely to be permanently "done" than a man, so I think that is why female return stories seem like unicorns around here, BUT there ARE stories.

  One in particular, search for a user that goes by "STP".

-T

-EDIT-  You can't just search by username, so here you go:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4735.msg300673#msg300673

[Medusa]

For whatever its worth, T, I've read the opposite--men are less likely to forgive infidelity than women. That might be the reason there are more females on this site.

[terrified_in_TN]

It would be nice if we had some statistics...I believe what you are saying is true medusa, men for the most part don't forgive infidelity as easily as women, BUT...I also believe *most* of the time, when a woman has "checked out" of a R and walks away, she is far less likely to return than a man.  I guess I believe that when she is "done", she really is "done" and there is no going back (for the most part).  I have nothing to back up my belief other than gut feelings, and reading multiple sites on midlife divorce and WAWs.

-T

http://www.today.com/video/today/54856020

[terrified_in_TN]

Hmmm, I can't find the specific article I'm looking for.  Currently that video doesn't help make my point.  It and most of the articles I can find now cite physiological/mental abuse as the main reason women initiate divorce with no regrets.  In those instances, I can absolutely understand the lack of regret for leaving an abusive r.

But I also can't help but wonder how much of that "abuse" could be "history rewrite"...In my own sitch, stbx is painting me to be a monster to look like the victim.  Of course SIL that lived with us for a NUMBER of years knows it isn't true.  If anything, I would say it was the other way around!

-T

[Medusa]

As far as abuse is concerned, T, it depends on the person and the situation.

I recognize, now, that the final year or so of my marriage was very emotionally abusive. He shoved his affair in my face. That's is not a revision of the marriage--he was always wonderful to me previously.

Marriage revision occurs when a person needs to justify their behavior. I have no doubt I've been painted as a crazy person to others so he can feel like a good guy. Same with your XW.

[terrified_in_TN]

I guess something that bothers me, although I haven't known too many "compulsive liars" in my life, one thing I have learned from the few that I have known is when they tell a "big fish" story ENOUGH times, they actually start to believe their own lies!  I wonder how many MLCers that end in D "remember" the rewritten version of history for the remainder of their lives instead of the truth...

-T

[toomanytearss]

I see this with my h.  He tells so many lies he actually gets confused by them.  I think he believes many of the lies he's told.  I don't know if he will ever realize the truth or not some day. 

I would sometimes test this theory and just agree that what he was saying was true.  I told him once, yes, you are right h, our marriage sucked.  He was like,  - no tmt, it wasn't all bad.  More good than anything.  LOL 

Remember, they have to justify their actions because of the guilt.  I figure it will turn out one of two ways, either they will stand up at some point and face this or they will continue to hide and lie because they can't face it.  Either way it's their choice. 

[nah]

For whatever its worth, T, I've read the opposite--men are less likely to forgive infidelity than women. That might be the reason there are more females on this site.

I agree with Medusa 100%.  I don't doubt in my mind at all that husband would have NEVER forgiven me.  That's why he was projecting that I hated him, using him as a punching bag, etc.,, b/c it's how he would have handled it if the situation was reversed. 

Women tend to be "fixers", Hell, I forgave him the very day he told me.  I chased him down and asked him to come home so we could talk, I actually said, "I forgive you, let's go home"  Nope.

He expected me to go crazy, he expected me to destroy his things, show up at his work, get in the girls face, he told people that I was going to do these things. 

I tortured him with kindness.  Not because I was being nice, just the opposite.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I think we do slowly return to the people we once were--only a new, improved and much wiser version of that person. The key, I think is wiser: no matter what we've been through, we take our experiences and apply them in new ways.

I think we also are more comfortable with who we are and the choices we have made in our life. At least that's how it was for me.

I think men are less likely to forgive a wife's adultery and more likely to move on. We like having someone to take care of us.    My mother never even dated after she and my dad divorced. She said she didn't need someone else to take care of.

He expected me to go crazy, he expected me to destroy his things, show up at his work, get in the girls face, he told people that I was going to do these things. 

This is the way it was with my wife and I. She really expected me to yell at her, even though I've never done that in 36 years. She even hid the key to the gun cabinet. She was baffled by my response. I think they grow up in an environment where love is based on conditions. If you don't behave the right way you won't be loved. So they can't believe that we love them anyway. They don't understand unconditional love.

She has revised our marital history, most recently by saying that she is the happiest she's been in 12 years. The thing that worries me is that she tells her sisters that I'm a great guy. I'm not the bad guy like most LBSes. . She just doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married to me.

[terrified_in_TN]

.... The thing that worries me is that she tells her sisters that I'm a great guy. I'm not the bad guy like most LBSes. . She just doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married to me.

  I wouldn't worry about that too much Brain-I think a lot of that stems from the behavior you have shown her.  In my case, I did some things that REALLY pissed my stbx off, so I think she feels justified in badmouthing me.  If I had of just continued to be the "nice guy" I am sure she might be saying the same thing as well.  In the beginning, she said something very similar to me.  My mistake was telling one of her sisters what was actually going on (oh, that REALLY pissed her off, but I didn't do it to humiliate her-it was out of genuine concern, but she doesn't see that), the 2nd thing I did was ask SS25 and his w to move out of the house, when I promised stbx I would never do that (I did it for other reasons; it had nothing to do with our separation directly, but she doesn't see that either), and the last thing I did was change the locks on the house on the advice of my lawyer.  If I had not done those three things, she *might* still be cordial, nice, and tell everyone "we just fell out of love" instead of the demonizing she is doing now.

-T