[OffRoad]

Thank you, Brain, that is exactly the question I was asking. You answered in a way that makes sense to me, but I am starting to see that my impression of being needed is not necessarily what some men consider being needed. That there actually IS more to the equation than was ever on my radar scope.

You see, for me having someone get up on the ladder and painting the high parts of the house, even though I painted the rest, is an actual NEED because I am deathly afraid of heights. In my mind, my appreciation for that is tenfold my appreciation for taking out the trash. That isn't just being a partner. It's being the person I can count on to help me with the things I cannot do.

MeNow, your explanation goes back again to sounding like having your needs met is necessary to feeling needed. You specified needing to feel special. That your SO thinking well of you is what makes you feel needed. But (to me), my thinking well of someone, wanting them, respecting them doesn't mean that I need them. It just means that they are pretty cool and maybe nice to have around.  I can respect a lot of people. Your feelings seems to be common and I'm trying to wrap my brain around that. I seem to be having a problem equating appreciation, respect and thinking someone is #1 with actually needing someone.

I'm beginning to think is a communication issue. My version of "need" is different from someone else's version of "need".

[Searching4Answers]

OffRoad - I'm with you in trying to understand this.

My H wouldn't offer to help me with things and when I did ask for help he rarely did what I asked of him so I stopped asking I would get annoyed when he didn't help me if I asked him to because I rarely asked - if I asked I really needed him.

For example, he would rarely come out to help me with the grocery bags - no problem I can do it myself. If he asked me if I needed help I would accept his help and thank him. So in this scenario should I have asked him to help me instead of waiting for him to offer? I did many of the household chores and yard work to show my appreciation - was I taking away opportunities for him to feel needed?

[Seekingpatience]

Hi offroad,

Interesting discussion. And one I am trying to wrap my mind around also.

I think we are talking about both sides of "need" here. Both sides "needs" validation for whatever their love language is. And the other side needs to do the validating.

For example, if H feels he is doing something just for me, for example, gift giving. Not to acknowledge that gift in a way that makes him feel good about himself, is  a form of me invalidating his need to be acknowledged for that effort.

Now gift giving isn't big for me. I would rather have time spent with him than a ruby bracelet  and anyway, I prefer sapphires and emeralds. 

So I say, that's lovely dear. And H feels has not made me happy. And never underestimate the need for a male to make his mate happy. So H feels bad. And I don't feel that special either.

So you are right it is a communication 'thing'. But it is also an awareness 'thing'. The more I am aware of his need to be validated for his efforts and vice versa, the more efficient we are at meeting those needs.

I read somewhere that resentments are past invalidations remembered. We don't usually   remember what people say or do but we sure remember how they make us feel.

Peace and strength

[OffRoad]

I agree validation is of utmost importance. I didn't realize how much until recently, because I didn't have a name for it. It was just that weird feeling that what I did or said wasn't of any value to H, and I didn't understand  why I had that feeling. It was his withdrawing from the relationship and invalidating everything I did to justify what he was doing that made me feel that way.

I really want to understand why a male would feel like he isn't needed. I realize it is probably blowing smoke for a male MLCer to say this, but I think there is value in understanding that while I may think a man leading his son by example is a need, he may think that's not important at all.

[Seekingpatience]

Offroad,

Not everyone acts in a certain way because they 'should know better'. Most times they act in a way that is familiar.  So they repeat what they experienced.

My H had an absent father. How the heck was he to know better and be a good example when he didn't have one himself? I know it sounds like an excuse because he is a grown man.

But he is also a wounded child in a grown man's body. When H comes to a stage where he knows better, I think then I can hold him to account to act better. Right now, my expectations aren't really that high.

So it is my part to step up and be the best parent DS can have within my limited ability.  For I know that I don't know how to be a perfect parent. They don't exist. I just muddle along.

[in it]

I guess I have a hard time understanding why a man wouldn't have some pride and confidence in himself for what he does..why would what we say make so much difference? I did my part -did everything else- house, finaces, cooked, cleaned, laundry, planned vacations, and child related. I didn't expect him to recognize every single thing I did.

 He worked ( for a while anyway) Why wouldn't just being able to come home to a beautiful family sitting down to dinner and being able to do whatever he wants be enough? Why couldn't he or didn't he appreciate that?

He came from the same kind of tradional family..did he just take that for granted?

I wasn't intrested in sex with him that much..it was very obvious he had no respect for me or what I did or my needs anyway. That was from day one. But it hadn't occurred to me until this last BD. I knew something was wrong I just didn't know what..not that it can ever be fixed in my case anyway.

If I was STUPID enough to allow him into my life again the abuse would eventually escalate and more than likely I'd end up dead.

To me a marriage is to maintain a family once children arrive. I was very busy, exhausted, and focused on them.

Communication with him was not easy . The fights usually ensued over sex or money. You have no idea how happy I am that I will not be stuck with just him (kids grown and gone) in my Golden Years.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I guess I have a hard time understanding why a man wouldn't have some pride and confidence in himself for what he does..why would what we say make so much difference? I did my part -did everything else- house, finaces, cooked, cleaned, laundry, planned vacations, and child related. I didn't expect him to recognize every single thing I did.

I agree completely with this. It sounds like an adult relationship.

[in it]

Ok so what up? How much energy is one person supposed to put out in order to have someone else become or see they are a partner.

If someones validation only comes from the "outside" I guess they might set themselves up to be pretty dissappointed. Nothing anybody could ever do or say would or will ever  be enough.

[Thunder]

I think men like their ego's stroked once in awhile. They like to feel needed and wanted in the bedroom.  No matter what went on during the day that closeness is important.

I suppose I'll get flak for this but I do believe it's the truth.  If he can feel good about how he made you feel it makes him feel needed and good about himself.

I believe if a man is happy in that department he will move mountains for his woman.
Just my opinion.

Now I'm not saying if he is treating you badly you should just forget it and attack him in bed.  I'm saying if he is trying to be a good guy, good father and provider maybe the best way to show you need him is at the end of the day show him some attention, physically.  Even if it's just a back rub.

Ok, clubber away.   

[bookwrmmom]

It may depend on what particular love language one speaks. For me, physical touch and words of affirmation.
Basically I just want to know that I'm #1 in your life, you're into me, want me, appreciate me, respect me, consult me, and think well of me (and show it). I will move mountains for you if I'm feeling special.

I agree completely with all of this, this is basically who I am to a tee.

See over the years of spending so much time alone, I have learned to do many things myself (although some are a work in progress) that are typically H type of "duties". I HAD to do them, and yes I could ask FIL for help over the years. However I tried not to do that (this was when things were a father/DIL relationship), because I needed to know that in an emergency that I COULD handle things myself. The only things I ask for help with now are things that I just do not have the physical strength to do, and my stepdad and S23 step up to the plate.
So I know this was a question for the men, but my NEEDS are not what you do for me so much as how you make me feel.