[Family man]

Can I ask the same question to the females on here what actually does a bloke need to do for you to feel needed as I thought I was doing all I could to make her feel needed and it didn't work although I still think from her behaviour one day she will realise I've been the only one who's really been there through everything she's been through when she needed someone.

[hawk]

l made a lot of mistakes  FM , no doubt about it , especially in our last 2yrs. But when the chips were down l was there , no matter what , every time for 19yrs and so was she for me.
l use to hope at the start of all this that one day she remembers all that . No luck so far , it seems to be the last thing on her mind unfortunately .

[toomanytearss]

It's hard to explain hawk.  But I will try.  Like when it was time to get off work I would get a text from him with a list he wanted from the grocery store and what time will you be home and whats for dinner? Not a text at the end of the day saying I can't wait for you to get home!
When his friends were around he would not want to be near me and most times if they were new friends he wouldn't even introduce me.  When I got promoted to VP he didn't even tell his family.  I didn't feel like we were married anymore because he just wanted to be with me, enjoyed my company, etc. 
Many years ago when h was still drinking heavily I told him to leave.  I packed his stuff and tossed it out in the driveway.  He started crying, but you know what he said.  I have nowhere to go.  Not I'm sorry I don't want to leave.  Back then I chalked it up to the drinking, but I think that says a lot. 

[LisaLives]

Nah got it right--you can't figure it out.  Remember there is A LOT of blame shifting and projection, and a whole helluvalotta JUSTIFICATION.  "You don't need me" is the corollary of OW REALLY NEEDS ME. 

Don't forget in most of these cases there is a damsel in distress, either real, or in their imagination (and it doesn't have to be a female, it could be work, or a band, or a broken down car) that truly NEEDS them and will DIE without them, may be even commit suicide...  To the OW (or whatever other it is) they are a GOD and to you, they are a middle-aged man who burps, farts, leaves dirty dishes in the sink, and remember now back to the projection, looks at them as the man they are, not the man they WANTED to be, the KING of the world... 

I got the same thing from my ex, you don't need me and she does...  I pondered it for a while, but it was just ridiculous.  She NEEDED him to rake up acorns and we had a kid diagnosed with cancer...  Okay, sure, I was holding my own while you were flaking out, sorry for that, but go, be her hero, rake her acorns, that was not my problem, it was his, and still is (though, not it's hers, I hope she still has the magic that makes him want to rake acorns cause he never did it for me...).  But of course I have to keep in mind the needing thing was secondary, he left me because she liked watching SportsCenter and I wouldn't clear the time off the microwave--lest you think he was being capricious, would not want to leave that impression...  There is no logic in MLC, and you don't even want to get inside that twisted place that is their head, so don't try!!!  Love and light, ll   

[bookwrmmom]

LL you tickled me with this:

they are a middle-aged man who burps, farts, leaves dirty dishes in the sink

I honestly have to say that H would NEVER fart in front of me. Never in the 17 years did he! I think it is funny as hell, because I had no such qualms about it in front of him (I mean of course not for a while). He would call me a "nasty buzzard", and I would just laugh at him. I mean if you cannot fart in front of your H, then you are screwed. The kids say that he did it around them all the time, but for whatever reason he would not in front of me.

Anyway, just one of those memories triggered.

[nah]

  She NEEDED him to rake up acorns and we had a kid diagnosed with cancer...  Okay, sure, I was holding my own while you were flaking out, sorry for that, but go, be her hero, rake her acorns,

Well, a pile of acorns can really get out of control.   

Mine went on for hours b/c I forgot to turn the outside light on before he got home.  I was such a b!tch.

Why are we banging our heads against the wall? 

[LisaLives]

Mine went on for hours b/c I forgot to turn the outside light on before he got home.  I was such a b!tch.

Why are we banging our heads against the wall?

You were a b!tc#, glad I was just a $h!tety wife, not a full on, balls out b!tc#.  If you did THAT, I can't imagine your other offenses.  You probably used bagged salad and bought the wrong vitamins, too...  He must have been scared in the dark for years...  (And I guess it never occurred to him that he could install a motion sensor light that would turn on all by itself...) 

No more head banging here, still a lot of head shaking, the wonders never cease, but banging should stop...   

[nah]

And I guess it never occurred to him that he could install a motion sensor light that would turn on all by itself..

Damn...I wish I thought of that, I would still be a married woman.  Oh well, lesson learned for next unsuspecting man that I get my devious hooks in.

[in it]

I WANTED TO BE listened TO AND CONSIDERED.THAT MAYBE i COULD HAVE AN IDEA OR AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT. Right now..There's just about nothing that turns me on more than a man who will look at me and LISTEN!

 The ex HAD TO BE RIGHT. ALL. THE. TIME. AND I FOUND IT very boring.

[OffRoad]

I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement but then, Wait...again we the LBSers are trying to figure out what we did wrong.

You missed my point. It's not that I am trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm trying to figure out what I might possibly need to do right in the future. It isn't only MLCers I hear say " I wasn't needed" but since I do hear that from MLCers, it struck me that I'd like to know what the definition is for a man.

And so far I have found it means different things to different people. At this time, I am trying to comprehend how spouse 1 thinking spouse 2 is admirable, respectable, super sexy, and their #1 person makes spouse #2 feel "needed". To me, that is fulfilling spouse #2's needs, not being needed. Are they one and the same for some people?

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. This has been so eye opening. I truly appreciate the feedback and hope for more.