[Returned]

I have been reading a lot of stories on the Internet from kids and spouses who were abandoned by MLCers, and I seem to see a lot of them say something to the effect of: he left and then he died 6 or 8 years later. I know of a couple of examples of this in my own environment where MLCers died in their 40s or 50s.

This is purely anecdotal of course, but I have read it often enough that I am curious about it. Most MLCers manifest fear of old age. Could MLCers be leaving because they have a premonition of death? Could early hormonal/biochemical changes in their body be causing them to panic? Is it the replay behaviors which worsen their health?

[blackice]

if they pick up substance abuse habits it's detrimental to their health but the stress they go under while going through all this is phenomenal. since my h moved out his hair is grayer and he's got more wrinkles and he's gained weight. he doesn't sleep well and is constantly stressed out. it's sad really.

[hawk]

Yeah it is sad , the whole damn mess is just sad isn't it.
I'm surprised you found much over the net Lj , just that l thought mostly the world didn't believe in mlc .

Mine has aged a lot to though , way too fast for just a few yrs. Although , maybe they're just going through the next belt of aging . You know how aging seems to move in spats. Or maybe it is about what they go through.
She partly split us up because of stresses , that was just part of it but it was a big part . Yet , well l don't know what she gets up to tbh but l do know that doing all this , plus coping financially , the emotion , the guilt she even admitted , starting a new life , our daughter , the whole lot . You know , our stresses would have been all ending just about now and they wouldn't even come close to matching what we've all been through and what she's been through , doing all this.
Maybe all that really has aged her .

[toomanytearss]

I have wondered the same long journey.  All of h's family members have died young. My family all have lived into their 90's. I think h believes he will die young. Too bad he didn't want that time with his family.  My h is overweight, looks old and tired and always has a mean look on his face.  He limps and complained about all his aches and pains.  He is always tired. Not sure how he manages his exciting new life.

I think that because they run from this and don't face it that they don't take very good care of themselves and it affects their health between that and the high stress level they are in.  I don't think my h will be alive in 10 years.

[ruggedendurance]

This was too interesting to pass up.

My xw was misdiagnosed with lung cancer in Dec. 2011, it wasn't until May 2012 that it was correctly identified as nothing more than a mold that had found it's way into her lungs.....  I guess.    that is not uncommon.

Anyway...........  BD was Oct 2012..........

Coincidence?

Oh..........    A month before she left, she informed me that she had recently started smoking again.   

Irrational?   Insane?    MLC?

all of the above?

[Ready2Transform]

In late 2011 mine applied for life insurance and was turned down because his cholesterol was over 400. I don't know the split on that, but that's an extremely high number. For the bulk of our relationship he was what I would call fit, at 5'9", probably 145-155 lbs, with defined muscles (but not like a weightlifter). He had what I always called a "runner's body", but for most of it he had a job that kept him on his feet. 

Jump to 2012 when we're out to breakfast and he orders fried chicken and waffles. Tells me, "This is how I eat now." To look at him, you wouldn't argue. His weight seems to fluctuate anywhere from 40-60 lbs above what he was, I would guess, and the OW seems to be around the same size or a little bigger. This is apparently their lifestyle, and it's one that, combined with the amount of hard liquor he has made a part of his daily life, will put him in the grave sooner than the healthy life we had before all of this started. Then you work in what may be going on neurologically and chemically, and it just gets too depressing to ponder. So pointless.

Not going to say I too didn't develop some bad eating habits and weight gain, but LBS diet took care of that for the most part. 40lbs fell off so fast that when I actually told him how much I lost, he sat at our kitchen table weeping. Because THAT'S normal. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

There are a lot of negative factors involved. My wife was already experiencing health problems. She doesn't walk or exercise now, she no longer eats well even though she had food allergies, has a lot of stress and quilt and underlying depression, drinks a lot, is isolated from her family, and worries about her future. Not exactly a healthy lifestyle.

[Strongwind]

This is good reflection I've noticed that too to a degree. H's father left mother and kids, I believe he was in MLC. In his 40's. He married the alienator and become apparently a good dad to her kids, while abandoning his in more ways than one. He came to our wedding with tubes attached to his nose. Had a long standing lung disease. Btw, he had the tubes attached and smoked too. Apparently he was also an alcoholic. 5 years later he died. H stopped smoking, even if the causes of he had Mesothelioma from chemical exposure. He looked much older than his actual age and died at 65. I believe H has not resolved his childhood issue about his abandonment and as another thread here it seems true what it says in the Bible about "the sins of the fathers get passed on by their sons"

Numbers 13:18
The LORD is slow to anger and abounding in loyal love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children until the third and fourth generations.'

Job 4:8

As I have observed, those who plow evil
and those who sow trouble reap it.
(For what a man sows that he shall also reap)

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (talking about spiritual death, which is much worse than physical death)

I don't mean to turn this into a religious lecture. I just thought it was interesting that even the Bible talks about this and we see some evidence of this in people's lives.   Just my 2 cent Sw. 

[ruggedendurance]

SW,

I've recently received my faith.......................  I feel at times it is complete overload.     Trying to digest an MLCer.    Trying to come to grips with myself.     Trying to figure out where spirituality fits in all of this.
 
I've been working my way through all of this.........   I am understanding my xw much better than I had while we were married.   

I understand how she could live her life with depression.    I can understand how she could hate the child inside of herself.    I can understand the misery that caused her.    Unfortunately.    Her misery flowed into the marriage.    Long before she left here and.........  I am certain she was adulteress before BD.    Like.    Years before.

I know I didn't do things perfect in the marriage.    I could have done things a lot better.    Maybe.   If I was a trained psychiatrist?

Fact is.   None of us were trained to analyze ourselves.   Let alone the person we thought was "perfect" for us.......

Then?  Just before she left me.........  I had found my faith....

I am guessing there is some kind of balance to all of it.    I don't believe God expects me to preach on the street corners.    I don't believe He is expecting me to be perfect.    Mainly.   I haven't been.    I've gotten in a lot of trouble since she left.     Seriously.    A couple of trips to jail..........   counseling.      Probation.         

If God likes a f#ck-up........   He has to love me.

Funny thing is.......  I don't think He is mad at me.    My life is going amazingly well in spite of all that has happened.

Turns out......   My childhood set me up to embrace madness and dysfunction.   I did well in sports.   I rode bulls for a period of time.   I am not afraid of an altercation........ even if it gets physical......   I've never had much respect for authority.

You would think this MLC would be a cakewalk.   This is dysfunctional and manic.   

What I've learned about me is this.... I suffer from low self esteem in social situations.......   When people are "normal" and act like human beings?    I feel completely out of place.

I subconsciously shrink in a situation where people interact as adults.    I have no trouble with off hand comments and unfiltered behavior.   I have a lot of trouble making simple small talk.    The kind of interaction that normal people have no trouble with.    First off.   I'm not good at small talk.   If I don't have anything to say?   Normally I keep my mouth shut.   If I get caught up in "small talk" I find my brain saying "who gives a $hit if little Johnny" scored at soccer..........    I see your lips moving and bull$hit is flowing out......

Talk about stunted development.......

Anyway.

I feel God is asking for a large place in my life.    I feel that I need to understand Him better.    I need to know what He is asking of me and why..........     I also feel strongly.    That He has a hand in this MLC from both sides.   Mine and xw's.    I asked Him if His will was to send her back here and every time.    He answered that He was...

My brain has a ton of trouble making a connection with her behavior and some kind of reconnection.    I have no idea how He can send her back here after all the damage she has done.    I have no idea how to wrap my brain around the kind of behavior expected from me to make this happen.......

I'm working hard to simply trust Him on this.   I'm working hard to surrender to His will.......

I recently read the story of Hosea and Gomer.    I don't know if I am "chosen" to be Hosea.    God took Gomer to the mat.   Her life turned into a living #ell before Hosea bought her out of slavery..........  I can see that happening for xw.........   She has had a terrible time of it since she ran out of here.

I rambled and hyjacked.    The two worst things a guy can do on here.

I guess I am getting over being uncomfortable.

[Strongwind]

Thank for sharing with us Rugged. In the scriptures there is a lot on forgiveness and repentance. God desires that from all his children. That is why he sent his son JC.  But God gave us free will. For some it's as if lGod has a  bank account waiting for us to draw from and we decide that we would rather eat out of trash cans instead.
Mlcer seems to b mad at God. I wrote to him numerous times that I'm praying for him but he doesn't acknowledge it.... But he has not asked me to stop praying either. I feel I need to pray for him because I sense that he needs help. Maybe I'm wrong .. Maybe he is as happy as a clam but even if I saw him smiling, I would have a hard time believing it. He thinks that once he obtains the divorce, he'll be ok. Nah!!! Hugs SW