[in it]

I agree LL

I could have forgiven the infidelity had he been willing to do some of the work also.

Now there will be no relationship ever due to him and his inability to control himself and me ending up in the hospital.

I stand up for myself and have no problem being alone. I still have too many trust issues regarding men..triggers ....and even phrases some men say that remind me of the ex.

And I agree do your best to surround yourself with people who have your own best interest at heart.

[Medusa]

A beautiful post, LL.

I think you are right about how we must move forward for ourselves and that we all have a little stander somewhere inside us. This brings to mind some ting a friend who had gone through the hell of MLC and is now remarried told me a few months after BD: that somewhere in her, there will always be a ray of hope hers comes back even though she is extremely happy.

But we must move forward and live our lives. Other happiness exists out there. My door is close and the latch has caught, but if the planets align properly one day in the future, anything is possible. He's got to learn how to turn the knob, and it won't be the way he used to because I'm a very differnt woman, now, just as he's a very different man.

[Returned]

I don't think of standing as an "all or none" phenomenon.

For some people it is. I applaud them. I think they have what we all have: mortal terror of losing the spouse we loved, no real desire to play the field, fear of divorce, and they value their families. However they have an additional trait: fortitude and determination. A willingness to stand alone for however long it takes.

There are some of us who have all the traits in the beginning of the list, but lack the final one. The willingness to stand alone for as long as takes.

You know I think there are lots of LBS who still care about their MLCer, who still worry about their MLCer, and who feel great anguish and suffering as we watch our MLCer destroy their lives. We hope for the best. We hope our spouse will come out of it someday. I know in my case that I certainly hope that RCR is right, I hope that he wakes up someday and discovers that he values his family, and that he rebuilds his life from the wasteful destruction. I watch and wait and hope with baited breath.

 The fact that an LBS is not willing or able to live alone does not mean they have necessarily stopped caring. I don't think we are less worthwhile human beings because of it. It is just that I am past the halfway point, and I cannot imagine continuing the road alone. It is to great a risk.

[bookwrmmom]

LL,

Thank you SO much for that post! So many wonderful words of wisdom there!

There will ALWAYS be a little stander in all who have ever loved--or it would not have been love.  The problem is in STANDING STILL with only one future option in consideration.

YES!!! We have to keep living! I told a dear HS friend today none of us are ever guaranteed tomorrow, and I would hate to die tomorrow and know I died mourning an a$$hole. The MLCer my H became is an a$$hole. I want to hopefully be happy when my time comes, and have been living life to it's fullest. So friends do NOT stand still!

What everyone really needs it not to define their healing in reference to another person, any other person.

Another YES! I can honestly say that although I feel lonely at times, I am happy. I found that on my own, and am still learning what makes me happy. I hope to God I am learning MORE things to make me happy for the rest of my life......even if that means living single!

Long Journey I agree. I hope that my MLCer comes out of this one day, and "finds" himself. I DO care about what happens to him, because that is the kind of person I am. However I will not stop living life, and personally I am no longer waiting with baited breath. I respect those that do, but now I am done.