When I came here five years ago, "standing" was very strictly defined. Standing meant acting as if you were still married, and obstructing any efforts to end that relationship, including contesting divorce. Back then, a thread like this would never have been allowed. As an honest "non-stander," even my presence here was disconcerting for many of the strict standers and we had many fights about it. I never encouraged anyone not to stand, but I have always encouraged people to define "standing" for themselves and seek their own path to healing. Mine was not accepted by most here, but I think it served me well, and despite what anyone here thought to the contrary, I DID consider myself a stander at heart which was why I always had a hard time leaving this site.
To me, standing is leaving the door open to R, on your own terms. Sexual fidelity was a big piece of standing here, but call me what you will, sex is not a true deal breaker for me. I could have forgiven him the infidelity, and I did, once, early in our M. I don't THINK he continued philandering, but even if he had, the fact that he, by all measures, valued our FAMILY and never dishonored them, was what was most important to me. That he never flaunted infidelity, or neglected his family in any other way was okay with me. So, as far as my "standing" I felt that I could NEVER consider R until I stepped out. If we were going to build something new, I wanted him to forgive me, as I would be expected to forgive him. Plus, there was pain and identity crises and shame with being blamed for his ED issues. After BD, I needed sexual validation, and I didn't feel bad for it. For lack of a better way to describe it, I entered into a two-year FWB arrangement that was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I mean that, even my fiancée has thanked him for making me who I am.
So, don't dismiss "rebounds" totally, and don't necessarily claim to be finished with "standing." Nothing in life has to be so concrete unless you make it so. There will ALWAYS be a little stander in all who have ever loved--or it would not have been love. The problem is in STANDING STILL with only one future option in consideration. In the beginning, I was going on about my life, HOPING for R, on MY terms. Today I am going on about my life knowing that R with the ex is not a possibility in the near future as I have a truly better alternative. But, I would still never say never, another 20 years down the road could be another world, again.
What everyone really needs it not to define their healing in reference to another person, any other person. And in the context of your own life, you should never be standing, especially after something so shocking as BD, you need to be running to make sure you and your kids are safe and protected, financially, emotionally, physically... The advice that you should not make any big decisions or changes is just not helpful because fact is, often you HAVE TO, so people need to understand that you need to realize you are now an out-of-control hot air balloon, so you better enlist some damn good people in your chase vehicle (and attorney, an accountant, financial advisor, therapist, physician...) and let them help you make the right choices in a really awful time and situation.
But that's just my two cents. Love and light, ll
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...
BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her...
LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...
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Finished with Standing?