[bookwrmmom]

So I have complete and total respect for those who continue their stand, and wish them much love & success in the future. However there are quite a few of us I believe that are finished. Like everyone else we came here desperate to save our marriages, but have come to the realization that it is time to walk away.
Since I know how important support is for healing, I would like to start this discussion. There are so many things to talk about when you are finished standing. Divorce and dating just to name a couple of things. Many of us have been in very long term relationships and the thought of dating can be VERY intimidating. Divorce is a whole other ball of wax, and I myself have never experienced a divorce before.
So anyhow, I am not sure if there has ever been a topic along these lines before. So moderators if there is then merge away!

[Medusa]

Great start, Book.

I agree a thread such sad this would be beneficial to many--not just those of us who are no longer standing but those who aren't sure, anymore. Like you, I have the utmost respect for those who stand firm. The reality, though, is that at some point, I think everyone is going to question their stand (I know I did--a lot!), and those of us who have decided to end ours may have insights about the questions we ask ourselves and the transition. I, for one, would never encourage or discourage anyone to stand or not--it's too personal. But we have many shared experiences that could be very valuable.

[Lanzo]

I believe I was standing for my marriage before I knew about MLC and before I knew what standing was all about. I came to this site when my xW asked for a divorce and started divorce proceedings. My stand ended when OM was flaunted in front of me and I found explicit pictures and a sex video of the 2 of them. The divorce took a year to complete, and here I am a year further after divorce, still in one piece and still healing.

I was with my xW for 20 years, married 16. I am out on my own after all this time, It’s a daunting prospect but I find myself  going out on my first date one year after divorce and the first one in 20 years. I won’t be diving head long into any relationship, I'm just  looking forward to making friends and finding the real me. If I do make a connection with anyone then that  will be another matter, but anyway I’ll be moving forward one day at a time and see where life takes me.

Lanzo

[shimmerofhope]

I'm glad you started this thread. I myself feel like standing may not be for me.  I'm waiting this out a little longer. I got a job starting in June. I will be so busy that I can honestly say I have not thought about h.  He was not my first thought this morning or my last thought last night. Of course he is texting more. I am losing interest in him. Could be cycling.  But after he told s12 friend he had girlfriend when friend saw him at the store, I feel different.

As I said before I will wait before I make big decision.  H came by today and I was so close to telling him I want to turn the rest of the divorce papers in that he never completed. 

I'm tired. I want to live again. Lately I have been laughing more with my son and dad and talking to a couple of coaches I used to work with.  At my new job I will definitely be open to invitations to go do stuff with new friends/coworkers.  Before I would not do anything like that because I would work and go home. That's it. No life no friends.  Lived here 16 years and have not made many friends at all. Had trouble trusting anyone. Now I am more comfortable with who I am and feel more confident. Excited about things to come.

So life after divorce is not looking that bad. I'm in a better place now. Letting him back in, doesn't seem appealing. Sometimes I think my stance is only prolonging the pain.

[paradigmshift]

I recently ended my stand because of religious reasons. I would say I came out of my own personal fog. It doesn't make things easier, because I no longer have the hope of reconciliation to see me through each day. But I do what I have to do. Nothing is going to stand between me and God, no matter how difficult or painful it is.

I mentioned early on that I expect to fully move on after 2 years. It's been a year and 2 weeks and I think I'm on track. I wouldn't have reached the place I am now in, if I had just allowed myself to wallow in false hope and delusions unchecked. At the beginning of all of this, I might not have been sure what I wanted, but I knew that I didn't want to be wandering in the same maze 6 years down the road. I indulged in no pity party, for myself or for the MLCer. Each time I got on the roller coaster, I harnessed all the strength and willpower I had to get off. Later, I knew that I didn't want to take the MLCer back when the grass isn't greener on the other side. He will come back because he loves me, not because the OW treats him bad. I no longer allow myself to be treated as merely an option. Nor do I want to keep wondering if he would have returned if the OW had been an angel to him. In addition, if he keeps leaving when things start to get bad, I'm not sure how well that bodes for the future. He has bullied me enough. Why should I bully myself?

As for dating, sometimes I feel really lonely, but I am not sure I want to devote my life to another person just yet, or anymore. But we all need someone close who could assist and comfort us, especially as we age and become infirm, and have no children or other family. But right now, my life is still in shambles and I am in no position to be in a relationship. It's a time when vultures and crows are plenty. I fended off one such person last year who thought he could take advantage of my situation, because thankfully, I was still clear-headed. I have gone out and mingled, have been on social sites, but haven't found the one yet. I do not worry much about my appearance or anything superficial, as I know what can happen if someone falls for things that fade away. The man who will be right for me will be the one who only looks at me because God tells him I am the one.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made into a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life but define yourself."

[bookwrmmom]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone! I think this an important discussion to have. We have gone through so many changes, and trying to navigate future ones in a healthy way is important. I think going into the dating scene we are very vulnerable. It is good to have the advice of our friends here who have helped us so much already.

[Dji76]

Glad you started this thread, I was reluctant to post some thoghts on my own thread as they don't fit the standing theme. I decided to stop standing once I accepted my x for who she is now. She may not be the person I knew for 19 years, but this IS her now. I had to "kill" the fixer in order to find peace in my decison. Being a fixer is a way of being cotrolling in a relationship. It doesnt allow the other person to really be themselves and its basically saying "your not good enough as you are and my way is better". At least that how I see it now. Whats funny is my x is the only person I had that dynamic with. Also, I am completely turned off by other people that are fixers or care takers as far as intimate relationships go.
I also had to let go of long held beliefs that you don't walk away from people you love. Truth is, she walked away, but I still needed to come to grips with me doing the same. Elray asked a question on another persons thread that really got me thinking. He asked if they had ever ended a relationship. Simple, right? But I had never ended a relationship that I was really invested in. Now I know that it is ok to do that if its not a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. Its ok to take care of myself in a relationship and step away if it becomes one sided.
Turns out being single and dating is a lot of fun if you don't take it to seriously. I try to go into it with no expectations and no fear. I know I still have work to do on myself but I feel ready to dip my toe in the dating pool. There are lots of great people out therer and if you just put a smile on your face and feel confident they are ususlly happy to talk. I realize it may be hard to find something "real" again and it may never happen. I'm ok with that, I'm not afraid of being alone in that sense.

[bookwrmmom]

Thanks for the reply Dj!

I also had to let go of long held beliefs that you don't walk away from people you love. Truth is, she walked away, but I still needed to come to grips with me doing the same. Elray asked a question on another persons thread that really got me thinking. He asked if they had ever ended a relationship. Simple, right? But I had never ended a relationship that I was really invested in. Now I know that it is ok to do that if its not a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. Its ok to take care of myself in a relationship and step away if it becomes one sided.

H walked away, but in numerous ways has clung the whole time. Sometimes with terrible, awful monster & other times seeming more sincere. But like you said it is okay to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Unless a MLC is pretty much completely through it I cannot even see how there CAN be a  healthy relationship. Also like you said it is okay to take care and step away if it is one-sided. I TOLD him I would be NO man's plan B and I won't stick around because you need you to help me manage your life. I meant what I said, and I am walking away with my head held high. I am walking away strong, healthy, and thankfully in the best shape of my life. I said something a long time ago not long after BD, and I was angry when I said it however it is true. I THANK him for doing this to me when he did. For many years I was very overweight and out of shape. I realize that makes me no less lovable, and I still have the same heart. However I now FEEL good about myself, and have a self confidence that I didn't have for most of my life. When you are made to feel like less of a person because of your weight, it affects your confidence (H didn't do this, it was how I was raised). I forgot over the years how strong I am, and this not only reminded me but made me even stronger.
I haven't really dated yet, only had someone over for dinner a few times. Nothing really came of it because he has his own demons to battle from a really bad situation much like all of ours. However it is someone I have known for many years, and will always have a very good friendship. There ARE lots of great people out there, but I am really not sure how to do this whole dating thing?? I never have a problem talking and joking, but really don't know where to go from there. I don't want to seem pushy when I meet someone that interests me, but other then joking/chatting I am not sure what men my age are ok with. I am not pushy, but damn do you sit back and wait on someone to take the hint or what?

[LisaLives]

I recently ended my stand because of religious reasons. I would say I came out of my own personal fog. It doesn't make things easier, because I no longer have the hope of reconciliation to see me through each day. But I do what I have to do. Nothing is going to stand between me and God, no matter how difficult or painful it is.

Just curious if you would elaborate on that thought...  Most people stand for religious reasons, I have never heard of anyone ending a stand for religious reasons. 

[Thunder]

book,

I think we can kind of tell if someone likes us.  If you get that vibe why not just ask him out for coffee or something simple like that.

I would think it may be flattering to have a woman ask you out.  Guys usually have that burden.

I guess I'm not standing.  We are divorced and even though we see each other I don't want to remarry him.  Is that not standing?  I don't know.