[Trustandlove]

I think this is the right icon; if it should be something else, perhaps discussion, then please change it!

this is about taking care of yourself -- I do find this process absolutely and totally exhausting.  I am considered strong, and  generally think that I cope pretty well, but recently I found myself losing my temper in public and behaving in a manner that I would consider completely inacceptable.  I of course made my apologies, but still feel awful.

Not that it is an excuse, but clearly I am not coping as well as I thought I was.  I certainly do "all the right things", such as getting exercise, eating reasonably well, not drowning my sorrows, making time to rest, but still I find that I am stressed. 

But the whole thing is just so draining.  Being me, I read a lot, try to work a lot of it out intellectually; I'm sure I'd be better off if I could relax more -- my mother often says "just RELAX".  She is of course right, but that's where I get stuck.  All the external things (the gym, a massage, etc.) don't turn the brain off. 

I struggle with the idea of 'being kind to yourself'.  I've done all the GAL stuff -- retrained, have a job I love, have kept the children going, see friends, and so on and so on....   and I do know that this is 'normal'; that part of it is accepting that I am going to feel this way for a while yet....

I do find myself procrastinating on some tasks; I do know what to do about that; but still, this is just so darn tiring.  And I don't want to take it out on anyone else again. 

Pounding pillows doesn't work for me, btw....

[Mermaid]

I also find it draining. The days when H is taking OW out are the worst; I can't eat, and I'm fractious.

I find intellectualizing it helps me. If I can understand the processes, it makes it seem more manageable. I also procrastinate, playing freecell, spending time on this site, doing Iching (good for reflection). But deep down I still have to face myself, my job, kids, and get through the days.

There are a few things that help me at the moment to relax, and gain the energy I need. First is a good therapist. Second, Prozac gives me calm and presence of mind. Third, going to the gym is a focus for getting rid of anxiety/ negative energy (although there was a stage that I didn't have the energy to go). Fourth, friends for laughing, refocussing, support. Fifth, meditation / relaxation exercises (for focussing who we are and where we are going with life). Sixth, writing a journal. This can become creative writing too. Seventh; reading, reading, reading. Eighth; music (but only upbeat music, nothing too mellow). Ninth; going to the movies (again, nothing soppy). Tenth; chocolate (actually, it doesn't really help, but I like it).

[MarkedandHealed]

I like to exercise. It burns off the cortisol stress hormone and I find it focuses my mind, gives me energy, and slows me down. I need to slow down, really need to.
I just started taking 5HTP based on the youtube videos I watched with Dr Amen, psychiatrist. I got a book called 5HTP, the natural way to deal with depression, obesity and insomnia, by Michael Murray ND. All things I need, right? I'm on day three and already feeling an effect.

In any case, I know that's not exhaustion, but my depression was manifesting itself as not being able to sleep and feeling exhausted... so maybe something to think about. I think the emotional exhaustion came first and recently I began to realize it had morphed into depression... which is just b/c the exhaustion went on too long without being addressed.

[Writingmom]

I have read that the loss of a marriage/spouse brings about the normal process of grieving.  I don't know where I am in the stages of grief because I have been too wrapped up in trying to figure out what stage H is in.  I have been blessed with the ability to remain a stay-at-home mom throughout this ordeal, and have used that time to read, reflect, journal, pray, etc... 

I do find that I sleep a lot though!  Or, I would like to.  To me it is like a free vacation!  I don't know if this is a part of grieving, depression, both or neither.  I remain involved in my kids' lives, the community, church, am active with friends, etc...  I am definitely not ignoring the need to GAL and it's not like I stay in bed all day, but especially when kids aren't here, I feel drained.  To me this is an exhausting process, grieving.

Just wondering what other symptoms of grief and or emotional strain other LBS' are having to address.  (And am I the only one that is jealous sometimes of the ability to just "check out" of reality!?  Wow.  To live life blissfully unaware and unconcerned...  I know, they are not truly blissful, but sometimes I do buy his act!)

[justasking]

Writingmom

The whole process of grieving is emotionally draining. Add to this the fact that we have to deal with all the day to day things for our children, house, contact with H and we get dragged down further.

Being detached definitely helps but I am also chronically tired as I am always having to sort out one problem or another and H is off in Laalaa land.

There are many good books on grief and if you put the word into a search engine lots of info comes up. But it is interesting that we have had a HUGE shock and grieve for the loss of our H and marriage as it was.

[OldPilot]

Read my post on this thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6.0

This book might help you with this process.

[Writingmom]

I purchased the book on abandonment, but finding that right now I have no desire to read.  I was like a sponge at first; absorbing every piece of information I possibly could.  Now I feel burned out.  We are at one year from bomb drop/monster spewing and I'm finding it difficult to keep it together.  The memories of that time have come flooding back without permission.  My kids are home from school for the summer also; another trigger to the memories of the days when I stumbled around with no ambition or drive to even get dressed, never mind actually feed or interact with them. 

It's bittersweet.  We're past the bomb drops.  Past the grief for the most part as well as the shock.  But now?  It feels like I've been working SO hard the last year to move forward and now all of a sudden I feel like I'm right back at the beginning.  I know that I'm not, but the anniversary of bomb/monster is not one that I planned to celebrate, that's for sure.  It is absolutely like the anniversary of a death.  You know it's coming, you know it will affect you, you're just not sure how. 

Putting one foot in front of the other, continuing to get out of bed each day...these are not lofty goals if you ask me!  There are times when I have more ambition.  This is not one of them.  I guess we have our own peaks and valleys, even though we're not cycling with them any more. 

H told my kids that he wouldn't see them much in June.  OW is due soon and lives in another state.  It makes me sick.  He is welcoming a new baby and turning 40, is still married and is having kids with a married employee.  I want to cry but I'm all cried out!  I really, truly see no hope.  I can read between the lines in other situations and see hope in others' lives, but not mine.  It all seems too absurd, the fact that he is having a baby with her.  Can't say that I've read that scenario in any book or forum. 

Anyway, woe-is-me moments are becoming too familiar again.  I need to stop the cycle of self-pity before it goes any further!  But definitely will be glad when the anniversaries and the "firsts" are OVER!!!

[Trustandlove]

It's normal to feel that way.  One thing I've found is that we ourselves can only go through this process at our own rate.  There is no set time for us to 'feel better'.  Like the crisis on the other side, it will take as long as it takes. 

For the record, I think you're doing great. 

[Writingmom]

Thank you!  Don't know what I would do without this site.  This is such a long, strange journey.  It is still so surreal but it's nice that I'm not alone.  I look forward to posts one day about life on the other side! 

[justasking]

The problem with grief is that it isn't a linear line we follow.

We may make strides ahead and then something knocks us backwards and we have to regroup and move forward again.

I am sure when the baby arrives your emotions will be all over the place and try and overwhelm you again. But that is normal and part of the grieving process. Almost as if we need to grieve every new twist and turn.

But as we take control of our lives back we will move more towards acceptance and fulfillment whatever the future holds.

You are a strong person writingmom and you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel as we all will.