[onmyfeet]

I can grieve the lost time, the money spent for a second residence that we don't need and her current affair. I'm just not sure how to grieve the FUTURE damage that we haven't done yet, but that we will do, for the rest of our lives, to our children. For example, we have hundreds of happy family occasions that haven't occurred yet - mother's day, father's day, xmas, valentine's day, birthdays, graduations, vacations, child births, etc. Even if we're all together for these occasions, which would be amazingly functional considering that our marriage seems to be ending, each one will be fraught with shame and confusion.

Another example of future damage is the money we haven't spent yet on a second residence, that we could avoid spending if we just pulled ourselves together and took advantage of some of the great understanding of what goes wrong in marriage (Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight, is great in this regard.)

Most of all, I don't know how to grieve FORWARD our failure to serve as a firewall between the bad emotional habits of our parents and the emotional health of our children. Knowing that we are screwing our children out of the most important legacy we could give them if we chose to do so and that they will have to work out the emotional regulation problems with THEIR spouses since we decided it was just too hard to do is the hardest thing of all. It's like watching a train wreck occur in slow motion, knowing how to stop it and being locked out of the cab by a crazy person who thinks train wrecks are entertaining to watch.

I'm sure that by detaching, etc., I can REDUCE the damage. But I'm not interested in a solution that is LESS BAD for our children. I'm only interested in the solution that is actually GOOD for them.

There is no controversy - children of happily married parents do better, as do the parents. Our children are late stage teenagers, but they need us to show them how to successfully navigate mid-life. We're sort of doing so as individuals, but certainly not as a couple married for the long term. How can anyone not be in love with the person who can give their children the very best, by far, chance at an emotionally healthy life?

So, please help me understand how to grieve FORWARD, for all the damage we haven't even done yet, but are setting about to do, every day for the rest of our lives.

Thank you.

[justasking]

In my opinion you can only grieve for the potential loss in the future as we don't know what it brings. Therefore if we are not careful we cross bridges we needn't have gone to.

But we do grieve for the loss of the potential future as we see it as we all had plans evolving for our future lives together. My retirement will look very different without my H beside me as we had vague plans about how it would look. But if he's not there someone else maybe.

I think detaching allows us to give our children a better life as we are in a better place to support them. Unfortunately even if our marriages survive some damage will always remain emotionally for our children.

Onmyfeet you are already doing the best for your children by being there for them and an advocate for their emotional wellbeing. Each hurdle in the future will have to be manoeuvred around but your children will see that.

To cope with the future I have to deal with every day, anniversary and special occasion as it comes. That's how I personally survive.

[OldPilot]

Our children are late stage teenagers, but they need us to show them how to successfully navigate mid-life. We're sort of doing so as individuals, but certainly not as a couple married for the long term. How can anyone not be in love with the person who can give their children the very best, by far, chance at an emotionally healthy life?

onmyfeet,
This is a good question with not a simple answer. I believe that by standing for you marriage you set the best possible example for your children. My mother was bipolar and my father stood by her for most of my life. When they got to midlife they divorced. At this point I was an adult with children. My father was unable to stop my mother from her desire to divorce. This has made a huge impression on me. I can not control my W, however I can control me and I need to set the best possible example for my adult children. Standing for my marriage under all conditions is what I choose to do!

[Still]

I'm just not sure how to grieve the FUTURE damage that we haven't done yet, but that we will do, for the rest of our lives, to our children. For example, we have hundreds of happy family occasions that haven't occurred yet - mother's day, father's day, xmas, valentine's day, birthdays, graduations, vacations, child births, etc.

I deal with the future by looking only one day at a time right now. I was always a huge planner and wanted things carved out way in advance. I have learned to just let things unfold as they will. It helps me to only live in the moment. To make each moment the best I can for myself and my children. One thing this has taught me is that I often got so caught up in the planning of things that I truly lost sight of the value of them. Now, much like an Aerosmith song, "I don't wanna miss a thing."

[Courageous wife]

Still

You sound very put together.  I have always been a planner and I also need to learn how to take things one day at a time.

[Still]

You sound very put together.  I have always been a planner and I also need to learn how to take things one day at a time.

Thanks, CW.

Actually, I have gradually put myself back together. This remodeled version is much stronger as the glue that binds is made of pure determination. I was a crumpled person not so long ago. I spent hours in bed, cried my eyes to near dehydration, and didn't know how I would ever go on.

It has taken time, a great IC, and new found faith in God that has gotten me to this point. I spent a lot of years trying to please everyone else. I forgot who I was and nearly lost myself completely. My H's MLC put me on a search for answers. In that search, I realized that I hadn't taken care of the one person who needed me most.....ME. Now I do that. I am a better mother, a better friend, a better sister, and ultimately I will be a better wife (when given that opportunity).

[stillhere]

 I'm wondering if anyone else has used aromatherapy or other alternative methods to create a better home environment for the times the MLCer is there or just for you.

Here is what I've been doing. 
Early in the process, desperation led me to research aromatherapy as a means of dealing with all of the senses.  Using smell is subtle but powerful and creates strong memories. 

I purchased some lavender oil (to calm), mixed it in a spritzer with distilled water and sprayed our bed linens and room every time he left.  I also sprayed it in other places where he spent lots of time.  At one point I noticed H sniffing a throw pillow.  I've also sprayed a bit in my hair before I dry it.  My next purchase will be vanilla oil and/or geranium oil.

From there I've expanded my efforts a bit.  Some work colleagues used sage leaves to cleanse their offices.  A little research showed me that the belief is that burning sage leaves will cleanse the environment.   I used ground sage since I didn't have the leaves.  I put some into a candle holder, lit it, blew it out and went from room to room in our house with the smoke slowly billowing.  I first did this before his last visit when lots of positives happened. 

After the sage leaves, I burned a vanilla scented candle in our bedroom for several hours.  I used a lavender scented candle on the main level.  Vanilla is calming and reduces stress also. 

This last part won't appeal to all, but given my religious background it has meaning to me.  On a recent visit to my hometown I went into the church where we were married.  Catholic churches always have holy water available for taking.  I filled a container.  After my sage burning I walked through the house sprinkling the water about.  I also spritzed some on our bed. I prayed as I did so.   For me, it is a means of blessing our home. 

I do know that after I did all of these things last week, I had positive interactions with my H.  We both were calm and could talk.  I just finished up in preparation for his visit today. 

Anyone else?

[Mermaid]

I like this, and might try some of your suggestions.

One warning; holy water is susceptible in the spread of MRSA superbug infections because of all the unholy hands that dip into it. I think some churches are switching to dispensers to avoid this.

Sage, lavender.... anything else?

[Still]

This last part won't appeal to all, but given my religious background it has meaning to me.  On a recent visit to my hometown I went into the church where we were married.  Catholic churches always have holy water available for taking.  I filled a container.  After my sage burning I walked through the house sprinkling the water about.  I also spritzed some on our bed. I prayed as I did so.   For me, it is a means of blessing our home. 

I am not Catholic, but one of my online friends on another forum sent me a small bottle of holy water. I sprayed it all over my house. It gave me a sense of calm.

[stillhere]

A few good links I quickly found.  The one I used is a bookmark on my work computer.  I'll send it along next time I'm there.

http://www.aworldofaromatherapy.com/essential-oils-atoz.htm

http://www.aromaweb.com/recipes/default.asp