[Songanddance]

Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Songanddance]

To further what R2T said I learned this from the local mental health team when my S first demonstrated what looked like psychotic behaviour.

We transition approx every 7 years. The transition is normal but for some people it can become challenging. There are chemicals in the brain that are affected at each transition and how those chemicals are balanced is a fine line. If there is an illness or crisis like family death. house move, change of schools/work etc at the time of transition then sometimes those chemicals do not fully regain their equilibrium because of the emotional stress that arises from such a situation. The chemical residue (so to speak) then lingers until the next transition where it tries to correct itself but yet again might fail to do so. So there is a slow and gradual build up.

If the person then has medical intervention like ADs or regular anti biotics for a recurring health issue or any medication for a residual issue like blood pressure then the chemical imbalance is still out of kilter but can either correct itself or get more imbalanced at the next transition.

This is not to say that MLC is chemically induced but it does support that argument that FOO issues are a contributing factor and therefore if the support and help is not there for the person who suffers stress at a time of transition then it can set that chemical ball rolling.

When I learned this - it made much more sense about H my D and My s.   

H lost his father and also lost an eye at age 15, had a nervous breakdown at 22,cheated on his first wife at 28, then he met me  and all seemed calm, he had a horrible accident at age 35, I had my brief fling when he was 41 and he tried desperately to sail across the Atlantic but had to turn back owing to a most horrendous storm which wrecked the boat at age 55. Every 6-8 years some crisis happened which is not far off the 7 yr regular transition phase.
 
My D had a horrible bullying incidents at school with the worst at around the age of 8, she had glandular fever at 15, ran away from home at 16 owing to depression brought on by the fever. At 21 she moved in with a girl who was BPD and became subject to domestic violence.   Now at 25 she is pregnant, happy and content but she is aware that she needs to deal with her issues before the baby is born.

My S developed serious violent anger issues directly after BD. He was 15.  It is a struggle but he now acknowledges that he needs help and has to resolve his issues before it goes too far.

I think that your own MLC could be prevented by being open, honest, healthy and not afraid to deal with the issues as they arise.

[Medusa]

I think that your own MLC could be prevented by being open, honest, healthy and not afraid to deal with the issues as they arise.

This, I think, is the main thing. A person has to be wiling to deal with whatever issues he or she has and learn to let go of them.

[ArmySpouse]

 I agree with all of that .

 I would say I am also a person that deals with stuff as it comes in,  I don't  push it away ..
obviously I have still stuff to work on that I haven't worked on when I was little and haven't done the working out process then .. However when something bothers me, I go to my closest friends and talk to them immediately to get their viewpoint in it and then I think about stuff in my head and I do not push it away-  I work it out right away!

 I think that is the biggest issue when it comes to the midlife crises, that people just stuff it and stuff it and stuff it ..

Looking back my husband never was anybody that confronted something head on ..when we had a discussion and he got uncomfortable for him he brother got up and walked away rather than sitting it out and talk ..  it annoyed me so badly and I told him many times that he can't do it and you shouldn't !and it needs to be brought up and discussed ! 
But that is something that he has to learn and obviously it's a reoccurring's thing/theme  for him  that brought him into this situation which is sad .

 when his father died ,who he loved and adored very much, about five years ago ,I think that was the turning point and he never got over it ..although he said he did ,because we talked about it a little ..
but I think he never processed it correctly and for all the trauma that he had before then (like the deployments and seeing the horrible things) he just learned in his mind to stuff it all in a corner ,in a box and left it in there and also he should've worked it out he didn't ..

 and then pretty much three years later my mother died ...so we were in the same situation again where he felt sorry for me and his father death came up again (memory) and yet again ,when he had the chance to work it out, he didn't ...and so I think that's what initiated the whole crises ..

 I feel emotionally very stable and like I said I don't think I would let myself ever allowed to get into the situation where I do not work something out right away .. That I hope and pray for ..

[hawk]

OK this is a total weird question I know..

 is it just by working out your own issues ??
because some people do not ever experienced a MLC  and others do ..
and of course they do that because they have issues ,emotional stuff that they have never worked out ..

 but a lot of people have emotional problems and never experienced a MLC ..

 so in order not to get into a midlife crises:
 I was just wondering if there's anything one could do to prevent that ..

 Again I'm just curious that's all !

Well, l snapped out of mine .
But myself l think there's way way to much emphasis on some childhood stuff or issues .
Maybe yeah that brings some people on but being unhappy in where you find your life or marriage is the main culprit is my guess and l often think l simply see that in a lot of peoples stories here.
That's all it was with me , simple as that.

You see you might start to build your life and family and marriage 20s or 30s. that all take 15, 20yrs , lots of hard work and thinking about and trying to please and trying to do the right thing by your w or h , kids , mortgages , long hours.
Couples start ignoring the important stuff between the two of you because there just isn't time and energy left for long periods.
They start to let themselves go.They have to push each other to get things done . little things become bigger and start to eat at you underneath.
Add , then , we also had all this other stuff thrown into the mix which l just mentioned too in the next post.
So your tired , stressed , going through other crap too , resentment builds, personalities change and the way they treat each other change, and they've stopped looking after themselves and looks fade, your in a rut, you turn around after giving 20yrs of your life thinking of everyone else but yourself and what this is what l end up with, fk this -   POP   !

That was mine , as simple as that . And you see it in couples all the time and wonder which is gonna pop.
But really, it's not a midlife thing it's been brewing for yrs underneath, that's just the part where it's built up to the point where you've just had enough. You wanna live again and forget the life bs for awhile , while you still can if that's all it got you. You;ve been depressed about it all for years.

l partied it up pretty heavily , often at home , sometimes friends places . There was girls , fun and lots of drinking . Wife really had been driving me nuts to and l was sick to death of all of it .

But within just wks before her bd , l'd turned myself off and around , because l realized that mess it was making and how wrong l'd been. Because even though life had become what t was and wife too , she'd been going through it all too , but then she did something that was the old her and that reminded me of how much l use to love that old her.
So then l started to change think very quickly , that we could be saved if l could find the old her again and she was still in there after all.
But long story short , it was too late. And as l was thinking that wife was seeing counselors , met someone else and was writing me a bd letter and getting ready to pack her bags.
With us  , just like a switch flicked in me when l'd had enough , one flicked in w to when she'd had enough .
Except sadly , l realized my ways and flicked back but she didn't and doesn't look like she's ever going to from here.
She's been basically a different person since she left. And what ever it is she is going through , is a bit different to mine just in the way she is acting and the person she seems to be these days.

 

[Thunder]

I agree with a lot of what you said hawk.

[hawk]

To further what R2T said I learned this from the local mental health team when my S first demonstrated what looked like psychotic behaviour.

We transition approx every 7 years. The transition is normal but for some people it can become challenging. There are chemicals in the brain that are affected at each transition and how those chemicals are balanced is a fine line. If there is an illness or crisis like family death. house move, change of schools/work etc at the time of transition then sometimes those chemicals do not fully regain their equilibrium because of the emotional stress that arises from such a situation. The chemical residue (so to speak) then lingers until the next transition where it tries to correct itself but yet again might fail to do so. So there is a slow and gradual build up.

If the person then has medical intervention like ADs or regular anti biotics for a recurring health issue or any medication for a residual issue like blood pressure then the chemical imbalance is still out of kilter but can either correct itself or get more imbalanced at the next transition.

This is not to say that MLC is chemically induced but it does support that argument that FOO issues are a contributing factor and therefore if the support and help is not there for the person who suffers stress at a time of transition then it can set that chemical ball rolling.

When I learned this - it made much more sense about H my D and My s.   

H lost his father and also lost an eye at age 15, had a nervous breakdown at 22,cheated on his first wife at 28, then he met me  and all seemed calm, he had a horrible accident at age 35, I had my brief fling when he was 41 and he tried desperately to sail across the Atlantic but had to turn back owing to a most horrendous storm which wrecked the boat at age 55. Every 6-8 years some crisis happened which is not far off the 7 yr regular transition phase.
 
My D had a horrible bullying incidents at school with the worst at around the age of 8, she had glandular fever at 15, ran away from home at 16 owing to depression brought on by the fever. At 21 she moved in with a girl who was BPD and became subject to domestic violence.   Now at 25 she is pregnant, happy and content but she is aware that she needs to deal with her issues before the baby is born.

My S developed serious violent anger issues directly after BD. He was 15.  It is a struggle but he now acknowledges that he needs help and has to resolve his issues before it goes too far.

I think that your own MLC could be prevented by being open, honest, healthy and not afraid to deal with the issues as they arise.

We'd also had most of those things happen and l lost both parents.
And wife had had huge things go on over our last few yrs too plus we'd moved to a new state and she was coping with me going off.
But for me that was all just part of it and the icing on the 17yr cake , just part of where my life and marriage had ended up, on top of the rest. lt wasn't the cause as such .

And when wife snapped , l knew everything already mostly and she told me everything.
And most of what she told me was real. But some was also serious stress, just quitting and needing an escape and then some typical bd stuff thrown in too.
But we'd both been through a huge amount. l understood where she was at and l couldn't blame her. But l couldn't understand her quitting on us or the om when l'd turned and was ready to grow old together.
She even told me she still wanted to grow old together 6wks before she left, after l turned.

[superdog]

Jus a thought, but one of the reasons the MLcer is not doing anything but reacting in the beginning is becuase the changes are not concious. So to my mind you can only prevent so much. Once the hormones, brain chemistry etc etc takes hold then you are not thinking with the same set of faculties or rationality.

Keeping health mind and body befeore hand is all well and good, but everything else is outwith your own control. Even the most self aware people have tricky transitions.

Sd
X

[superdog]

Ps. Meant to say that most of us women have experienced the pmt symptoms. You may well know what it is and why you just lost your grip with something stupid, but it is still happening. You can prevent what comes out your mouth but the feelings and emotions are there.

[OffRoad]

But l couldn't understand her quitting on us or the om when l'd turned and was ready to grow old together.
She even told me she still wanted to grow old together 6wks before she left, after l turned.

I can understand that, though. You GOT to have your fun time, party time, other girls time, etc. She didn't. Why should you get to do all those things you wanted with no regard for her feelings, and she doesn't get to do the same? Remember, she went through all the same things in the marriage that you did. In her case, she also had the added stressor of your MLC. If you look at it as you just popped first, and she didn't get her chance to do so when she was under all the same stressors as you were plus your MLC, it makes more sense that she may have just given up.