[LettingGo]

My husband has been "concerned" about his erections for at least 6 years and he is only 46. It may have been even longer... whenever Viagra was invented was when he started imagining "problems". I really don't know if his problems were real or not, because he hid his Viagra use from me.I always told him he was sexy and virile and he didn't need that stuff, but it seemed like men all over the world were taking it "recreationally".

In the last 3 years, he has experienced "problems" with maintaining an erection and of course, I thought it was his diet, stress, boring old me, but he tried EVERYTHING including that medical clinic they advertise on the radio... spent a couple of thousand on that "treatment" without my consent and it didn't improve anything, in my opinion.

Now he has a permanent Cialis scrip, but I know when we had a hyperbonding period, he claimed he "didn't even use anything". To be realistic, the excitement of OW may have been enough to make him believe he just wasn't attracted to me, and it was all my fault, but I'm 99% certain he used it with her or avoided sex with "I just want to give you pleasure" in order to let himself of the pressure to perform hook....

I know that was a lot of personal info, but I try to be frank on this forum for educational purposes. I believe depression and diet along with the natural hormone level drop in men his age is a perfect storm for impotence. I know when I'm stressed out, depressed and sad, or my brain won't shut off, sex is the last thing on my mind... For men, I think they can compartmentalize a lot easier than women, so maybe the distraction of OW puts lead in their pencil, who knows... still doesn't solve the problem... add onto that the immense alcohol consumption, and it's a miracle they can ever perform.

[HeartsBlessing]

Rebel Yell,

Good job again HB, thank so much for taking the time you do with us. I know it would be easy just to stop coming here because of where you are on your journey of life.

No problem and you're welcome; some people have trouble talking about sexual matters during MLC...and it can be a very touchy subject....I learned a long time go, however; nothing is taboo when you're talking about MLC...and so, by talking about any of the sexual aspects in a straightforward way from my end; it doesn't look so graphic and embarrassing to someone else.


I suppose it would be easy for me to stop coming here; the people who started with me when the board started, know as much as I do, by now...and the rest of you are following the lead of letting go, letting God; work on yourself..along with learning the various different aspects of MLC.

BUT..and I addressed this on my own thread; I will be here until the Lord sends me back out; and not until.

I fully realize I'm NOT finished here, just yet...just because I've reached the end of my journey; doesn't mean that I'm completely finished with my own work; that can extend way beyond my own ending...there are people I know; including the lady who helped me for so long; for them, the "guiding" aspect continues; and they still remember in full, just as I do, now.

If not for people like them; no one would have any help during MLC; and there would be no one to pass on the wisdom that's gathered from the crisis.

I may duck out from time to time; but I will always be back...have no idea for how long; but I'm not marking time on that; not really in any hurry to leave....I'm still learning, too, many things in hindsight; and these are useful to pass on to others.

God has placed me where ever He has needed me to be for all of my life; some of the various "jobs" I've done; lasted for short periods of time; some for a good while...but, eventually; they've all come to an end; only to start over somewhere else; and with someone else.

I don't "move" until He tells me to; I obey Him in every way He asks me....and I'd have to say I was very surprised when He sent me back into this area nearly a year ago...I wasn't supposed to ever go back into the advising of MLC; but He changed His mind for whatever reason; and I didn't ask Him about it..just did what He told me to do...it's better that way, at least for me.

It has seemed at times, that I have walked blindly; but not really; I always knew there was a purpose to whatever He has had in mind for me..and so, I simply do what He asks, as it is but part of my work in this world.

Until there comes a time for me to move on to something else, someone will ALWAYS have a question; and I hope I will always have an answer.

[truth_seeker]

HB,

Thank you for your honesty and candidness in regards to your experiences during your H's MLC.  My H too was addicted to porn early in our marriage and we put a stop to it.  But now he's completely addicted to sex and living with OW who's enabling him further down this path.  I know he's using her as much as she's using him but my concern is he may be one of the ones who get stuck. 

Could it be that your H was able to break free of his addiction because he never left home or does that not matter?  I would really like your advice on my sitch if you have time to look at my thread.  I now H is in deep replay and we're in the beginning but again I'm concerned he may be one that never breaks free. 

[xyzcf]

Dear HB, just wanted to say that God in His infinite wisdom and grace has sent you here and that is indeed a blessing!

[covenantkeeper]

My husband started experiencing these problems years ago. I actually believe that was the beginning of his MLC. He would have problems keeping an erection, then would feel awful about himself. I realize men feel like their bodies have betrayed them, and no matter how loving and understanding I was did not change a thing.

That's when my husband started pulling away/distancing himself from me. He told me once that he did that because he was afraid cuddling would lead somewhere he couldn't take me. So, it was easier for him to not put himself in that position in the first place. When I complained that he was robbing me of love and tenderness, he said he didn't think he had any choice.

One time when he did manage to keep his erection, I mentioned to him that I thought the problem was all in his head.....the one on top of his shoulders. I remarked to him that he had been in a better mood. I saw a correlation between his negative thoughts about himself and his ability to perform.

I can only speak from my perspective from my own marriage, but it seems to be part of the larger pattern of negativity. When someone in MLC starts to doubt themselves, starts the negative thinking, or what I call "stinking thinking", which leads to vocally spewing, they seem to dive headlong into depression. When they keep going over these negative thoughts about themselves over and over again like a broken record....they actually believe all these lies are true! So, therefore, the husband who feels like he is a failure at everything in life, certainly also believes he is a failure as a man. Hence, the impotence. He convinced himself he can no longer perform and now is worthless in our eyes. Which is total crap from what we actually think of our husbands!

My husband tried Viagra, but had such horrible side effects that I just couldn't put him through that anymore. He told me his eyes burned and he thought they were going to pop out of his head. And it gave him severe migraines. Not exactly the best state of mind for making love.

I even tried to assure him we would learn to deal with this, but he would have none of it. The distancing began in our bedroom and then ventured on to every room in the house until he walked out the door. He became very irritable, angry, and sometimes cruel with his words. I begged him to go to the doctor and he finally did. However, he lied to me about what the doctor said.

After he left, I found out he told the doctor we were having marital problems and that I was the problem. Of course!! 

I confess that since that time I have badgered myself at times wondering if there was something I could have done differently to help him. That perhaps if I had said, or acted differently, or paid more attention that this was the beginning of depression and could have forced him to see a doctor, we could have alleviated all of this. You know, it's the old coulda, woulda, shoulda!!

Well, the truth is, everything that happened was because my husband chose to believe the negativity and acted accordingly. I could not have changed anything. I have educated myself on MLC, male depression, impotence, etc. and nothing I have learned would have enabled me to change my husband's mind. God gave him free will. The only thing I can do is to continue to pray for him.

I don't know if this helps you in any way. It's just what I've experienced so far. I think they become their own worst enemies by being so critical of themselves. I know that when my husband was in MONSTER (which he seems to jump in and out of frequently!) and was spewing, some of the things he said about me, I knew he was really talking about himself.

[truth_seeker]

CK,

You bring up an excellent point about your H's negative thinking and doubting themselves  It's actually made me realize some of the things my H was always mentioning about his F being impotent along with his triple bypass surgeries.  I don't know why I hadn't put the fear of H's becoming impotent together with his MLC until now.  The heartaches I figured on but the more we discuss this topic the more I'm starting to see the "fear" my H lives in.  It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy for him it appears.  Very sad.   

SK,

Thanks for bringing this topic up.  As you can see it's definitely not a silly question. It's helping me process what my H may be going through as well as continue my stand because I empathize with him though I don't accept his behavior.  Make sense? 

[LettingGo]

Very nice post, CK and thanks for sharing....

[SpecialK]

Thanks all for sharing, I'm glad I asked the question now, it was one of those things I thought I knew the answer to but never discussed it.  There was\is a part of my that felt uncomfortable discussing it but this forum has given the strength to talk about it and some insight into it.

When my ex and I first got together (end of November), he suffered from impotence for a while.  He was even considering going to the Dr's to get viagra.  I also remember him telling me in the following January that he always felt particular depression around that time of year.  To be honest at that time it fell on deaf ears so it was never discussed.

Now when I think back our relationship always went a little off from Jan to April\May time, but I never gave it a lot of thought - I was too wrap up in myself to worry about it.

The few days we spent together just before Christmas, was when I started to make the connection and trace back his behaviour.  He was very affectionate and passionate towards me but half way through he lost his erection.  I know he was stressed, tired and not well etc., but when I look back there is a connection with this time of year.  For the first time he opened up a bit about it, saying that it low liabildo, a lot of men suffer from it this time of year, that's why a lot of relationships break up during January.

I do believe he suffers from SAD, especially during January.  In years gone by he would often have tears but couldn't/wouldn't explain why he was upset.


SKXXX

[hampc0cv]

My doctor told me that testostrone levels have a lot to do with depression, and also MLC.

[Rebel Yell]

Remember we don't know each other so feel free bringing up anything here. That's what it's for.