[Onward]

Good resource! Thanks for this, Searching 4.

[Searching4Answers]

If you let a narcissist get to you - you will always be controlled by them. Detachment is very important in all walks of life not just MLC crisis.

This is so very true - the things that I have learned here have definitely helped me in all aspects of my life!

I believe that my exh is likely a narcissist and I struggled with that for a long time. I finally realized that it doesn't matter what he is or isn't - what matters is how I am being treated and if it is acceptable to me. Interestingly enough, he does react accordingly to narc script when boundaries are put up. Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, probably a duck.

SUCH a good piece. Thank you for sharing. It helps!

Good resource! Thanks for this, Searching 4.

I am glad you got something out of it

It really spoke to me and I thought the example she used to show the righteousness in everyday life was great - it is sooo me. I really feel that this was an eye-opener for me.

[terrified_in_TN]

Okay, this doesn't have much at all to do with MLC, but I stumbled on it while researching something else.  Although it pertains to "lost lovers" (aka loves from ones youth), rekindling these kind of relationships are quite often found in cases of MLC.

Read the 7 Myths linked...Warning, quite the opposite of what is sometimes normally said here:

http://www.lostlovers.com/7-myths-of-lost-love-reunions/

[Ready2Transform]

Goes to show that you can spin anything if you've got something you're selling! I think her take that, "They never cheated before this (and they never do with anyone else after this)" is very telling; what evidence would she have that they NEVER do it again? That's even worse statistic work than what we do around here. 

But just to be balanced, if it wasn't breaking up a marriage or two, and two people were to find themselves together again after many years (I think of my dad and maybe a girl he went to high school with that he may have carried a torch for, or something), that's a great story. I get the romance of it, but I think it's gross there's someone out there who is actually trying to cash in on infidelity like this.

[Anjae]

It is not even statistics, it is just for now. Those people will not cheat again, until they do (the ones who will).
 
5 is true, it is not about the sex. 2 is also not untrue. Or better, is there really much of a difference between "excitement of having this once-beloved person back in your life" and "It’s a new romance, so of course there is euphoria"? I don't think so.

1, well, if I, or Ready2, were to get back with our husbands, we would be getting back together from someone of our formative years. And we have not seem them in ages. But they have changed, and so have we. They have changed so much, they are having a MLC. But we have also spend decades with them, so, yes, we knew them very well.

Do I still know my first serious boyfriend from when I was 17? In a sense, yes. He has not changed that much. Which is not such a good thing. I had meet him a few times when I was in the capital and never noticed I still had an interest in him.

So, one is in a happy marriage, but is also in a "rekindled romance affair". Why that does sound like MLC to me? 

Agree with Ready2, if two people meet again many years down the road, and they have not break their marriages to be together, it may work and even be an interesting relationship.

[terrified_in_TN]

Anjae-

  Interesting perspective, coming at it from the angle of rekindling a romance from a former spouse.  Look at it from the perspective of one leaving one's spouse for an old flame, and then it becomes quite different.

Of particular note is Myth #6-Quite the opposite of what we discuss here.

Actually, it wasn't the site or even the article that I first stumbled upon-it was their forum, and in particular to "poetsjustice" post from almost three years ago.  Wow, does his story sound EERILY familiar (really hit home in my case since I went to go see old flame one time):

http://www.lostlovers.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=next_topic;f=7;t=000032;go=older

By the way, according to someone in that thread, they do state the author/site owner suggests that if either or both of the parties are married when they rekindle, they only have a 5% chance of success at a long term relationship.  On the other hand if they are widowed/divorced, the chances of success jumps up to 75%.  Although I didn't see those stats anywhere on the site, if the author really does state that, then at least she subscribes to the fact that leaving a marriage for your "lost love" has very little chance of success.

-T

[Anjae]

I'm not a big fan of the unresolved family of origin thing. Especially not for a rekindled romance. It has more to do with wanting to recapture the feelings of that time, feeling young again, get together to lead the life they think they should had lead if they were together in the first place. But she says that "these are two people who loved each other years ago and missed an opportunity to be together; now they want to correct that mistake."

In fact, it is not at odds with what we say here. The articles clearly state that what the MLCer feels at any given time is real for the MLCer at that given time. It may not be later, but in the moment, it is real because they feel it.

Infatuation may be just infatuation, but it is still real when we feel it. Same for desire/lust. What we may is not act upon it, but they are real.

However, of course it is also a fantasy. The whole situation being a fantasy does not mean that what is felt in the moment is not real. But how long is that feeling of start stuck lovers/we were always made to be together is going to last? People may stay in that relationship, but their feelings and the way they see the relationship will change over time.

I do think there is a difference between getting together with our MLCer, and a late adolescence love. And, for many, the MLCer is not an ex-spouse, it is still the spouse. Albeit often, only legally.

Of course leaving your marriage for a lost love has very little changes of working out. 5% even seems too much to me.

Widowed I could see it work fine. Divorced, I think it would depend.

On that other link you posted, the one with the board post, it is so obvious what an affair down the lost love is. Depressed, drinker, cheated on his wife, no job, contacted her on a drinking binge, etc. What a catch. I could not wait to go back to such lost love.  Of course the wife who got involved with her lost love in a MLCer, who is depressed and doing all the things MLCers do.

Well, my first serious boyfriend can turn up on the door, I'm not going to be interested. A couple of years ago he invited me, as well as many other people, to his 50th birthday. It was not odd because we move in the same small cultural circle and the party was public, but I could not be bothered.

[Ready2Transform]

This is an incredible podcast! http://www.brainsync.com/blog/intuition-and-the-gift-of-crisis/

It's an interview on a site that does sell products (meditations CDs - I like Kelly Howell's products, but I'm not endorsing that anyone here should buy anything). But this interview in particular speaks a lot to me, and I think it will to some of you, too.


Laura Day | Intuition and the Gift of Crisis

If you’re in crisis, or know someone who is, listen to this podcast as Kelly chats with New York Times best-selling author and intuitive Laura Day. You’ll discover how to welcome a crisis as an opportunity to turn your life around. You’ll also discover why Laura believes that intuition is a tool that’s easily accessible to you.

Kelly and Laura discuss the four different kinds of reaction to crisis: rage, denial, depression, and anxiety, and what to do about these reactions. Discover exactly what you should do when a crisis hits ? and how to help others to deal with their crisis reactions.

Think you’re not intuitive? Laura teaches individuals and companies to be more intuitive. She says that synchronicity in your life predicts opportunities that are currently available to you. Laura says that intuition is not psychic ability, nor is intuition spiritual: intuition is a tool which gives you correct data that you can act upon.

[Anjae]

Interesting.

Kelly and Laura discuss the four different kinds of reaction to crisis: rage, denial, depression, and anxiety, and what to do about these reactions.

In the Podcast it is said a person only has one crisis type. But I think at BD a LBS has all types. Also, I think I have had different types depending of the typed of crisis and of how old I was. But, mostly, by default, I react with calm to a crisis.

It is funny, but at BD, despite it all, I was far better off than now. Of course, by then, BD was the end of the world, everything was turned into a mess and so on. There was, however, something not present at BD, peace. Now there is peace.

But really, in hidsight, BD is just our spouse who got involved with someone else, and our marriage is over. Seeing it from here and now, it does not seem such a big deal. Strange how we, and the way we see things change, isn't it? 

[Ready2Transform]

In the Podcast it is said a person only has one crisis type. But I think at BD a LBS has all types. Also, I think I have had different types depending of the typed of crisis and of how old I was. But, mostly, by default, I react with calm to a crisis.

Oh, I hear you. But honestly, what she says about our crisis type being set early on in life really resonated with me. Whenever I get to a point of overwhelm or feel the stress from panic coming on, I have always found calm in doing a task - which puts me firmly in the "anxiety" crisis type. She's got several books out, and I've put them on hold at my local library so I can learn more about her methods.

It is funny, but at BD, despite it all, I was far better off than now. Of course, by then, BD was the end of the world, everything was turned into a mess and so on. There was, however, something not present at BD, peace. Now there is peace.

I think it was easier when the bottom fell out at the beginning because we had such vivid contrast happening. The drive and desire for something to be better was equaled in power to everything we had immediately lost. In the 'limbo' phase it is harder to find direction, because we start to consider different outcomes, which sort of lessens the intensity of our drive forward. Intensity gives us focus. In some ways, I agree, it was better then than now (certainly financially!). But if I knew there would be 5+ years of all of this ahead of me, it was not as good. I had the hope that everything could be mended quickly, and that hope helped (even if it was not accurate).

But really, in hidsight, BD is just our spouse who got involved with someone else, and our marriage is over. Seeing it from here and now, it does not seem such a big deal. Strange how we, and the way we see things change, isn't it?

Certainly. I was telling another LBS last night that if I had one regret, it's that I didn't get on top of this and self-focus faster. But I didn't. I'm here now. It's a relief that I don't feel as passionately about the need and possibility of his return and recovery. But it's a loss to let that go, too. But one that isn't felt as deeply anymore, for sure.