[31andcounting]

Songanddance~   WOW WOW WOW!!!
Lots of good stuff in that article. Thanks for posting.  It is a wonder that any of us survive this!!  We are strong aren't we?
(hugs)
31andcounting

[Ready2Transform]

This part is what stands out most to me:

As long as I see my behavior through the distorted lens of my justifications, I’ll continue living in the problem. Once I honestly accept my choices I can begin living in the solution.

I think that answers a biggie for a lot of LBS as to "If they're unhappy with the OP, or their new life isn't working the way they thought it would, why do they stay?". When they can't see what they've really done, they won't be able to see how they can fix it. Just like junkies!

I also think fear of the unknown works at either side of the tunnel. They stay because they don't know what will happen when they leave. But once they've got a vision, albeit a fairy tale one, of what life with the OP will be like, the pull of that is stronger than the commitment to stay. Enter justifications. And they see us as being okay (if they see us) so it all worked out. If we're too broken, they just don't look.

Then the new life is bad, but there's fear of the unknown as to how to get out of it. We're not presenting the same prize in waiting that the OP was, and I think that's why there are so many multiple OPs and a continuance to running.

[Songanddance]

Thank you 31 but I cannot take the credit. It was on another personal thread and I thought it was too good not to share a little more widely. So I copied and pasted the link.

[Stillpraying]

Couldn't agree more R2T.
My exH has constantly had 'someone in the wings'....the new fantasy life lined up....before making the leap out of his current relationship.  And each time the justification is "OP has 'Issues with their past'...."

[Anjae]

Interesting articles, Songanddance and Stillpraying.

Infidelity is a shock. The type of betrayal we deal with in MLC is a shock multiplied by a million.

Stillpraying, I've merged your thread with this running one.

The thing is, until the MLCer stops and wants help, nothing can be done. And some non monogamous people do marry, but even those do not expect emotional infidelity.

Fear of the unknown probably is one reason MLCer stick around OW/OM. But does stand for those who jump from OW/OM to OW/OM? It is always unknown how it will work out.

Not to mention MLCers leave jobs they knew for jobs, or a life, they do not know.

And they really know nothing about the OW/OM. It is all a bit complicated.

Wouldn't be alone, since the relationship with OW/OM is not good, and option? Apparently not for a MLCer.

[FacePalm]

Stillpraying - that justification article resonated with me.  My wife had an EA (maybe PA, will never know) for ~6-12 months last year.  She uttered almost every single one of those justifications.   The one that still burns me is that she called the OM her "soulmate."  I used to hold that position, but not anymore.  Although I've worked to forgive her, forgive myself, and detach, I still get anxious whenever her head is buried in her phone or when she goes out at night.  I'm still dealing with the PTSD-like ripples of having someone I trusted use pre-pay phones, fake Facebook accounts, and email to connect with another man.  Even though it was an affair down (waaaaaayyyy down) and it fell apart (as predicted, they don't speak any longer) I still have difficulty shaking the hurt from the lies, broken trust, and betrayal. 

[Stillpraying]

Hi Facepalm.
My exH is on his 3rd OW and he uses those justifications each time he moves on.  He's even told the kids and I some of them about the OWs...

Rick Reynolds has a lot of great articles.  They are emailed to me.  I think you can sign up if you are interested.  he was the betrayer in his own marriage but now does work with other couples to restore and heal theirs after an affair.  Not necessarily MLC but it is insightful stuff on relationships etc

[forthetrees]

This is from today´s NYTimes- an article about this woman and her foray into getting people to talk about sexuality. She did a viral TED talk in 2013. (Esther Perel)

Ms. Perel still sees clients, but these days is only taking on new ones who have experienced infidelity, which is the subject of her next book, to be published by HarperCollins at a still-unspecified date. Her approach so far is both empathetic and a little provocative. “Not every infidelity is a symptom of a problem in a relationship,” she said. “Sometimes it has to do with other longings that are much more existential. Sometimes you go elsewhere not because you are not liking the one you are with; you are not liking the person you have become.”

[kikki]

Halleluja for Ms Perel. 

Here's something which furthers the discussion around the subject of infidelity and shame.
Relevant to LBS who are reconciling.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201505/3-facts-everyone-needs-know-about-couples-and-affairs?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

[Songanddance]

http://www.kcl.ac.uk/ioppn/news/records/2015/June/Childhood-trauma-gets-under-the-skin.aspx