[in it]

T- IMHO that's a pretty big IF.

 If there's anyone who might read this who is still living with an MLCer they are more than likely are being abused in some way shape or form.

I'm of the opinion the ONLY way you can make changes that last..detach from the drama and experience self compassion and self love, gain your independence and get strong is to be physically away from them.

[Thunder]

That could very well be, InIt.

I guess it just depends on the relationship and the type of MLCer you have.
I've found most Low Energy MLCer's don't Monster or abuse much, there is just more depression going on.

Like I told someone yesterday, a friend of mine had a H who lived in the basement and had nothing to do with the family for the longest time, but he eventually came out of it.  She just lived her life and ignored him.

[Songanddance]

If there's anyone who might read this who is still living with an MLCer they are more than likely are being abused in some way shape or form.

Init - I am the antithesis of this statement. My H has never left and he is not a wallower. He vowed he would never leave and even RCR believed this. He showed monster like all MLCers in the first year or so and that included flaunting and taunting me with OW. 

However at the risk of sounding like a broken record, UK Law prevents a spouse from evicting the other from a home if they are joint owners or tenants in common.  I asked him to leave and he refused. He then insisted on selling the house and I refused.  The law protected us both.

If a spouse leaves and does not return within the 6 month period then the law is clear - that person has forfeited the right of access but not the ownership. 

So was I abused? Not when I had found my feet and learned how to focus on me.  I went dark and "fixed" me - used truth darts and validation and then created my own life and detached.  Now we live like joint tenants - separate lives but we are cordial and indeed H has been showing more consideration of late.

If I had left the house which of course was a viable option I would have lost it for good and I know H was then after as much money as he could.  Now he has agreed that when we sell and I find a place of my own that I will have 70% of the equity because I will be the focus point for all our children and grandchildren and he has told the daughters that he wants me to have a good place and will forfeit part of his equity.

Of course none of this means anything until it becomes legal but so far whatever H has said over the last two years regarding the house and me he has stuck to.  He knows now that his Ds will also hold him to it and as he is beginning to reconnect with them - to renege on that would jeopardise everything he has done so in reconnecting.  Believe me the girls have made it very clear what they expect of him when considering me and the sale of the house.

Are the low energy replayers aka wallowers who also live at home abusing the LBS?

Unfortunately abuse like beauty is sometimes in the eye of the beholder and each of us has different levels of tolerance.  Look at ITL whose H assaulted her. She decided not to file charges and at the moment her H seems to be quieter and has expressed a degree of regret. Will he do it again? Who knows but she is in charge of her thinking because only she "knows" her H and what she can tolerate. To me it is abuse and physical contact of that nature is my line in the sand. For others it is the adultery. For others it is the snide, subtle verbal insults.

 

[in it]

Its true..abuse is like beauty ..in the eye of the beholder.I look at neglect as abuse too.

And if physical abused is tolerated it will escalate. And if some one has self respect and had a healthy example of what to do in that case ( I didn't as a child) my mother didnt have any of her husbands ( my stepfathers) arrested.
The safest place to be is away from that.

I'm happy your arrangements are working for you. If someone doesnt want to work it out (here in NYS anyway) they do not have to. There are no laws that require it.

[Loyal]

And if physical abused is tolerated it will escalate. And if some one has self respect and had a healthy example of what to do in that case ( I didn't as a child) my mother didnt have any of her husbands ( my stepfathers) arrested.
The safest place to be is away from that.

in it
You might find it hard to believe but I do actually possess quite a large amount of self respect.

I have also let him know, in no uncertain terms, that there is absolutely NO way he will get away with it, should he even attempt to lay a finger on me again. He is also informed him that I spoke to my (our) PO friend and that I was at the hospital twice. I do understand and very much appreciate that everyone was concerned for my safety as I would definitely have given the same advice to anybody else. Strangely enough, the only person who advised me not to file against him was my best friend, with whom I came together to this country in 1981. Both of us have always lived in the same city so she knows him very well.

[in it]

I tolerated the physical abuse for years.  Mainly bruising ..or hit me where it wouldn't show. Choked me one time..not long enough to leave bruises. ( Lost his job due to choking his supervisor)

It wasn't constant but enough that I sometimes knew when it might happen..it really had no pattern..years in between incidences.

 I thought I possessed a great deal of self respect too. There were all kinds of reasons I didn't call the cops on him. I found out all that ended up doing was enabling him to ramp up the behavior as he suffered no consequences.

After one of these fights (before the marriage and after) ..... I always went back.  He didn't ever apologize.  No gifts or overtures from him were made. Again my FOO issues played a part in all of it.

So this time I finally considered myself sick too. I read all about why some woman tolerate this kind of abuse. Sat there and read all about me on the internet.

 Now I've decided I deserve to be treated better than that.

One trip to the hospital is what it took for me to get it through my head this guy simply isn't screwed on too tight. I wouldn't trust him again any further than I could throw him. I literally didn't see that one coming. Real cowards move on his part.

I will not send my daughters the message that what happened to me was OK.

Violence isn't used because they lost control of themselves. It's because they are trying to take control of someone else.

[in it]

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[in it]

 Found online:



                                                                       No Contact Rule

                                                          Cutting Out the Ex and Moving Forward

Healthy people who experience a relationship break up generally experience universal stages of grief such as anger, sadness, and disappointment. Eventually they come to accept the loss and move forward.

For love addicts, moving on from a broken relationship literally feels like a dreadful insurmountable ordeal. The agonizing feelings go beyond normal grief— as they are in withdrawal from the love addiction. Accepting the fantasy has crumbled, and moving forward seems unbearable.

And so it goes-- the only seemingly viable option for a love addict is to run from the pain by creating ANY form of contact with their ex partner no matter how bad the relationship was. This is the sickness of love addiction. 

If you are a love addict going through a break up and are in withdrawal --- it is imperative to realize your healing begins with cutting your drug of choice (your ex) cold turkey - in spite of all the distortions and self-sabotaging voices going on in your mind.

Healing starts with a personal pledge to the No Contact Rule.

If you are in a break up and have love addiction,  cutting complete contact with your ex is a critical prerequisite to your recovery.

MAINTAINING CONTACT- ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR EX- KEEPS YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC JAM- IT GUARANTEES THE PAIN WILL CONTINUE- IT IMMOBILIZES YOU MOVING FORWARD- IT PUTS TO A STAND STILL THE CHANCE FOR YOU TO RECOVER FROM YOUR LOVE ADDICTION.

If you truly want the pain to heal and get back your sanity. you need to STOP acting out your addiction by breaking ANY, and ALL contact with your ex.

The No Contact Rule is a strategy of detaching yourself 100% from your addiction/ ex partner both emotionally and physically--- at all costs.

Look at it this way--- it is like any other addict wanting to break from their addition.

It is equivalent to a drug addict choosing to totally break from their ecstasy, cocaine or heroin- or a recovering alcoholic no longer reaching for a shot of vodka, no longer going to bars or stopping the a local liquor store and doing it for the sake of the addicts sanity, wanting to get back their sense of self.

No Contact for love addicts means no more seeking that swig of the bottle or "hit" of heroin? except when you are addicted to love, your drug is your ex---- and detaching from the addiction with a knowing that if you do, it will always follow a poisonous and unhealthy outcome.

Like a heroin addict, you "hit the pipe" for each and every contact you have with your ex, and keep trapped in your addiction.

No Contact means-- No texting, No calling, No Face booking , No emailing, No twittering, No triangular communication through a friend, No small talk, No nice talk, No how are you, No checking on his/her whereabouts, and No more excuses.

Committing to the No Contact Rule represents no longer choosing the same old destructive pattern-- no more fueling your ex partners wants and needs, while disregarding your own.

NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT, ANY CONTACT, PERIOD.

When your ex partner contacts you
 
If, or better yet when-- your ex partner attempts to open the door by contacting you, urging you to bite for the those tiny little crumbs which you have gobbled up for much-much too long-- you say NO, NO, NO, period!

You must refuse to get hoodwinked with his/her drama, self-pity, charm, charisma, seduction tactics, words or promises only to be hurt again and again. You cannot allow it.

When he/she attempts to call, text or email you --- you must choose NOT to respond or answer. You say NO way, NO more--- STOP. You say it is over. You hang up. You disconnect. You physically leave the scene. You detach. You say Good-bye.

You close the door tight. In fact, you forcefully slam the door shut and dead-bolt it ten times and throw away the keys.

When you keep the connection going contact -- you put yourself in a less than position - you put him/her on a false pedestal making him/her your higher power. Your ex is not a God or Goddess. Knock him/her off that fictitious pedestal.

No Contact is about setting healthy boundaries.


The foundation of the No Contact Rule is about setting healthy boundaries. The purpose of setting boundaries is to define your limits. Setting a healthy boundary signifies taking a stand for you, protecting yourself, and taking care of yourself.

No Contact is a boundary rule and is a critical aspect to your recovery and of freeing yourself from toxic relationship patterns.

No Contact is unequivocal and clear-cut with-- NO loopholes -- NO excuses.

Is applying the No Contact Rule permanent?

Well, if the relationship has been a definite addiction; if it was dysfunctional, toxic, unhealthy, hurtful; if your partner had a pattern of being verbally or physically abusive, disrespectful, manipulating and/or indifferent to your feelings, wants and needs— then absolutely!-- detachment must be permanent.

Moreover, the permanency is especially true if you are sick and tired of the pain of being so dependent on one person-- and truly desire an authentic, fulfilling relationship in your future. * If you have kids with your ex, permanent No Contact is likely not possible when your ex has a relationship with them.

Keeping the addiction going will surely keep you stay stuck in your love addiction and for each and every contact, you immediately go back to square one. Every contact with your ex is equivalent to putting a knife into your chest — then pouring salt on the open wound, it hurts.

Like Love Addiction... No Contact is serious business

Let's be honest--  No Contact is definitely not easy or painless. Love addiction is bad in many ways. The experience of withdrawing and cutting your ex off is an arduous consequence of having been in an addictive relationship. It feels impossible. It can feel like torture. It can even feel like death.

It is no doubt the most difficult challenge in this beginning stage of recovery.

Yet, you must be assured, you can and will survive. It pays off in the end. If you act- there is light ahead. All the twisted obsessions, distortions, and confusing thoughts want to convince you that you cannot live without your ex partner; that he/she was your soul mate, the magical one. It is not reality. Do not believe it.

Understand this---all the irrational obsessive thoughts in your head are nothing but your addiction talking. The voices of addiction are always full of deceitfulness, lies, and manipulations.

Get it in your head your ex toxic to you. Your ex is not the answer. Your value, worth and existence is not based on someone else. Do not accept the falsehood that he/she is the answer to your problems- NOT true; never has been.

Discovering to honor who you are as a human being, honoring your personal wants and needs, and learning to love you is the answer to your problems.

Again, the longer you take the "hits" of contact, the more you feed the fix, and the longer you put your recovery at a complete stand still. So move forward wisely.

The No Contact Rule is a critical step to heal and get past the pain. Adhere to the No Contact Rule with a fighting attitude, and an acknowledgement, that you deserve better and are finished settling for less.

Draw a line in the sand, and declare to yourself, "No More"! And once you do- reach out for support and leap the worthy path of recovery.

[Watcher]

Init, I swear my W has followed this exactly. I have read a lot since BD and her behavior mimics NC on me. Thinking back over the past 16 months since BD, I believe, if MIL nor I never forced the issue I believe NC would continue uninterrupted. I went 35 days NC in the summer and W did not blink. Maybe she really views me as the toxic one.

 I am staying NC. MIL will force her daughter to break her NC eventually. It will be interesting to see if the pattern continues. I was home exactly 50 days this last stint. I calculated 21 hours of interaction and that includes the bad stuff. I think that says it all.

[in it]

The relationship itself is toxic. You have to focus on you and what is best for you. NC will restore your peace and sanity and allow things to unfold it their own way.