[strength]

In it---I agree with you.  I am staying far away from H and OW.  I wish them joy and happiness, but I need to live my life for my children and grandchildren.  H is missing so much.  H is with a child, it is petaphilish and I is not in my belief .  H is very sick right now, but I am the better person for my children.  God Bless us all and the MLC'ers can live their dream.  We all have to live ours, with the grace of the Lord.

[in it]

Strength..your thread is so painful I can't even follow it. I tried. God bless you and yours.

[in it]

Found online:


Give Yourself a Gift This Holiday Season: A Lesson in No Contact

The holidays are a great occasion to spend time with family, friends and loved ones, but they can also be a time of great loneliness, emotional despair and temptation.

Watching other couples bask in their festive glow, being merry and exchanging gifts, can be pretty heart wrenching, especially when you are all alone and nursing your emotional wounds.

It’s at this time, that what we want most of all, is to have someone that cares about us and someone to spend the holidays with. Everyone wants to be missed and have someone thinking about them.

When we’ve made the decision to go No Contact, we’ve made it for a very good reason. When we realize that our relationship is unhealthy, toxic and dysfunctional, full of drama and causes us a great deal of heartache and pain, No contact is the only viable option we have to regain control of our lives and our sanity. It’s a drastic step, but one that needs to be made when a relationship just doesn’t seem to have an ending. But during the holidays, even the most militant advocates of No Contact, can be vulnerable.

To a Narcissist, the holidays are like the opening of hunting season. These skillful predators, know exactly the right duck calls to put out there, to illicit the response they’re looking for. They are looking for a way back into your life and the holidays give them that perfect excuse to make innocent, friendly contact.

Because let’s face it, Narcissists don’t want to be alone for the holidays either.

I had an experience recently, with a former boomerang Narcissist, that provided the inspiration for this blog. I received an email in early November. It was short and sweet and went something like this:

“Hey Sav, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope all is well. I miss you.”

While this may sound innocent enough, sweet even, but like most people that have been involved with Narcissists, I’ve seen this production of his before. The first time I was surprised by his behavior, the second time I was surprised, but by now I know what he wants and how this story turns out.

Don’t mistake this kind of  reaching out, as flattery. All too often we think that after a period of time has gone by and someone contacts us, that they’ve been thinking of us, missing us even. But if we take our ego out of the equation, it’s actually pretty insulting when you think about it.

It’s insulting because, if you look at the reasons he’s making contact – he wants to weasel his way back into my life and have a pseudo relationship, all on his terms. He wants the benefits of being ‘my boyfriend,’ without actually being my boyfriend and he actually thinks that I am naive enough, or foolish enough to fall for his ruse again. And for all I know, he probably sent the same feelers out there, to a bunch of other women.

Just like a duck hunter doesn’t care precisely what duck his calls attract, neither does a Narcissist. So regardless of how sweet and innocent their contact may sound, always remember there is a motive behind it. Narcissists aren’t looking to catch up and be friends. Narcissists don’t care about you, your life, or how much their making contact again will hurt you. All they are thinking about is themselves.

If you are in No Contact, stay in No Contact, irrespective of how sweet and thoughtful their message may appear. A duck hunter isn’t going to make the sound of a wolf, or a fox, when he wants to catch a duck. They are going to put on the best duck facade possible. What they want is to find a chink in your armor, because they know once they’re in, even a little, that they can chip away at your defenses. That’s what they do. So the key is, to not let them in – even a little.

If you respond nicely – they believe you still want them and they’re in.

If you respond meanly – they believe you still want them and they’re in.

But if you don’t respond at all – ever – you send a crystal, clear message that you are done with this game and they need to take you out of their batting rotation – permanently.

No contact is necessary because these clowns don’t comprehend the concept of boundaries, or friendship. If you engage, you will always lose and end up feeling duped and conned all over again.

If they were honest enough to tell you their true motivation, out of the gate, you’d have no interest in engaging with them what-so-ever. If my Narcissist was given some magical truth telling serum and we had an honest to God conversation it would go something like this:

You: What do you want?

Narc: You know what I want. I want you to love me and give me all of your affection and attention. I want all of the benefits of being with you, without being with you. I want you to be pining for me and available for me whenever I decide to come around. I want you to have no expectations of me and to accept the few crumbs I throw your way.

You: Yeah I’m not interested in that.

Narc: I know, but I don’t really care about what you want. You should know by now that this is all about me and it always will be. I want what I want when I want it, and I want you to be back in the batting rotation, so let me in.

You: I don’t think so.

Narc: I know you’ve built up this great barrier to keep me out, but if you let me in just a little, you know I’ll break down your defenses and get what I want.

You: I know. That’s why I’m not letting you in.

Narc: You know I’ll just keep trying.

You: Knock yourself out. You won’t get anywhere.

Narc: You know I always get what I want.

You: Not anymore.

When a Narcissist says ‘I miss you,’ what it really means is, I wish I could be with you, but something is preventing it. (Like me)
 I’m thinking about you (But only at this minute, because I might be thinking about someone else tomorrow)

The truth is- it means nothing. It’s one of those phrases that women give way too much importance to. What it means is, you’re on my mind for now and I’m looking for a way in, but I’m not willing or prepared to seriously do anything about it and it’s just ambiguous enough to free me from any responsibility or expectations you may have.

So knowing that, I didn’t respond to his email and I promptly deleted the message and went about my business, but low and behold, just a few days ago, another message pops into my inbox from Captain Boomerang. All I kept thinking was, ‘don’t you know I’m not interested. Don’t you know I write blogs warning people about guys like you?’

We’ve been in no contact for a long, long time. What I had forgotten was the entitlement mentality of a Narcissist. He is probably sitting there dumbfounded and unable to figure out, why I won’t speak to someone, as special, as he is. Did I mention that his email came with a picture of his chiseled body and flexed biceps? It really did.

You see, it doesn’t matter how much time has passed, or even the manner in which you parted, they will come back whenever they feel like it, waving the banner of friendship.

So when the second email came in, I didn’t open it. I stared it down, the way a recovering alcoholic stares down a drink. I was curious, for sure. A part of me wanted to know what he had to say and I could have come up with a thousand rationalizations to open it, but in the end, I realized I had absolutely nothing to gain, by anything he had to say, and it went immediately to trash.

There are always going to be excuses we can give ourselves to accept, or even initiate contact. But at some point you have to draw the line in the sand and say, ‘No more. You’ve shown me again and again, who you really are and I won’t be fooled again.’

“When you know better, you do better.” Oprah Winfrey

You can care about someone and at the same time know that they don’t belong in your life. I had a reader most eloquently state, “I don’t hate myself when I’m not with him.” That’s what not breaking No Contact is all about.

Breaking No Contact is like putting in a lot of time and effort into eating right and exercising and then telling yourself you’re just going to splurge this one time. And then one day turns into two, then three, then four and suddenly you realize, that all your hard work was for naught, and you’re right back to where you started from, feeling worse because you allowed yourself to be conned again.

I felt a sense of empowerment, as I clicked on the delete button to his email. As I watched it vanish off of my screen forever, I thought of the character Samantha, from Sex in the City, as she said goodbye to her lover Smith, she said, “I love you baby, but I love me more.”

[in it]

Found online:


No Contact
Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.

There aren't many long term solutions for dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Going No Contact (NC) is a solution that is sometimes necessary to prevent recurring abuse.

Going No Contact is an example of setting Boundaries. NC is generally considered to be the boundary of last resort for a Non in trying to protect themselves from dysfunctional or abusive behavior.

Going No Contact is often a painful decision to make - as you may have to let go of the persistent hope that a loved-one will get "better".

Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person.

If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused.

Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC.

Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more.

People who go No Contact sometimes feel a great deal of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) about it:

Fear - They may fear the retribution or anger of the person whom they have cut off. People with personality disorders have an intense fear of abandonment or need to be admired and may react destructively, vengefully or even violently when faced with the humiliation of being shut out of a family member or former partner's life.

They may also fear the misunderstanding and anger of other family members, friends and acquaintances. Some of these third parties may feel like they are being left to "deal with it" and may express anger about that . They may also feel anger at their own situation while they don't have the nerve to take such a step.

Obligation - Many people will resist going No Contact out of a sense of loyalty to a relationship, marriage or family unit and out of a fear of being judged by others. People who leave a marriage or family are often misunderstood as being selfish, over-reacting, disloyal, unfaithful petty, shallow and weak.

Guilt - People who go No Contact are familiar with guilt. They will often be subject to hoovering by the person whom they have cut off which serves to play upon those feelings of guilt. They may be made to feel like they are the ones who destroyed a trust, broke the promise or threw in the towel. In reality, the promise was broken and the trust was destroyed by the person who behaved abusively before the relationship ended.

People who go No Contact are likely to face a campaign of hoovering, both by the person whom they have cut off and by other family members and friends. It can be easy right after someone hurts you to feel like No Contact is the right way to go. However, when they start heaping all sorts of kindness and sweetness on you it can take an iron will to resist the temptation to give them "one more chance".

[in it]

bump

[in it]

Found online Psychology Today:


The sting of a breakup or divorce is painful and disorienting. Adrenaline courses through the body and the mind races. The suffering party thinks, “This can’t be happening.” And with that thought paramount, the individual seeks corrective action—talking it out with the ex, identifying the fix that will save the relationship, or in some way buying time through compromise, temporizing, papering over: Whatever it takes.

And yet the single best way to accelerate the healing process after a breakup or divorce is this: Stop contact with the ex.

If you are trying to recover from the end of a relationship, this advice may be difficult to accept. Your mind may already be working overtime to rationalize why it's OK for you to stay in direct contact. You may say that you have to give your ex-partner their stuff back. Or that you think it is best to keep living together, for a while at least. You may say that you have to check in on your ex’s family members. Perhaps there is a birthday coming up, or some other event. And what harm can it do to see what the ex is up to on social media? You assure yourself that you can break up and still stay friends.

In reality, the only legitimate reason for contact not to be avoided is if you have young children and must communicate about co-parenting responsibilities—and even in that case, you should maintain boundaries by limiting conversation to matters pertaining to the children. Otherwise, continuing, or attempting to continue, communication with your ex will only prolong your suffering—and prevent you from beginning a productive process of letting go.

Here are four more reasons to stop contact with an ex:

1. You can't heal.

Ending a relationship is difficult, but the painful feelings are not permanent. You will feel sad, you will feel angry, you will feel a sense of shock that your life has taken this turn. As I describe in Breaking Up and Divorce: 5 Steps, these feelings are normal, and they're part of the recovery process. Eventually, if you allow it, a kind of acceptance will come into your life. However, if you persist in contacting or attempting to contact your ex, you are working against the recovery process and in favor of a self-defeating strategy of denial. This may buffer the blow but it cures nothing. It just allows you to put off fully accepting difficult feelings and your new circumstances. Confronting the difficult feelings and accepting the fact that your ex is no longer there means you are now on the path to healing. There is comfort in this and as you persist your world will grow brighter.

2. You can't let new energy in.

Even if you are not consciously aware of it, if you are still in contact with your ex, you are continuing to devote energy over to that relationship, which can no longer be what you need and want. Each time you talk to your ex, work to make contact, or think about when you will next be in contact, you siphon off the energy needed to pursue new life experiences.

3. You live off fantasy.

If your relationship has ended, then it's over: What you had with your ex no longer exists. It will never be the same. Continuing the connection means that a part of you is still hoping that in some alternate universe there is a chance you and your ex can be together and be happy. As a result, you live off moments of closeness. But each time you come in touch, you are reminded that you no longer have your ex and you face crushing disappointment all over again. This roller coaster gets in the way of real life and its actual opportunities for happiness.

4. You relive your mistakes.

Part of what is so hard about managing relationship endings is that the injured party tends to blame himself or herself. In some ways, a relationship ending should be an opportunity for personal growth. However, it is a mistake to remain, or attempt to remain, in contact with an ex in the hope of achieving a chance to do things over. Like a character in Groundhog Day, you'll wake up with the same fears and upsets about yourself as you did the day before. This is because maintaining contact keeps you stuck in limbo: You can’t be with your ex but you can’t move on.

Once you let go—completely—you gain the freedom to live, mostly unencumbered by the regrets and hurts of yesterday.

[in it]

Found online:

While many dating coaches espouse "no-contact" as a form of manipulation (i.e., a bid to get your ex to miss you with the hopes that he'll come back), I believe it's an integral tool of empowerment. Strength is where your real power lies. You want to get to the place where you're able to say, "With or without you, my life is going to be amazing."

If you've been bawling your eyes out or hanging in limbo, it's time for radical change. During the first 60 days of no-contact (the minimum recommended time frame), you can expect the following:

1. It will suck.

The vast majority of people use love as a drug. They get "high" from an external source—another person's presence and approval. The withdrawal from that feeling (and the fear that they may not know how to be happy on their own) can be terrifying.


Have faith. You will feel sad. You will grieve. But you will also regain strength, self-esteem, confidence, and empowerment.

If your choice is between being liked or respected, always choose the latter.

2. Your silence speaks so much louder than any words could.


Your ex knows he has behaved badly. He is waiting for you to scream, so he can label you "dramatic." If you do so, you'll confirm that his decision was the right choice.


But no-contact changes the game. It's unpredictable. Without you telling him that he's wrong, he actually has to sit in his own discomfort…and think…and then lament. Because you've demonstrated that you're a class act, he will soon realize that he's lost the best thing he's ever had.

You'll redirect the pain where it belongs—with your betrayer.

3. You will develop important emotional skills.

The loss of a relationship often results in more free time. Use this time wisely to develop emotional intelligence so you have a greater chance of success (with or without your ex) down the road.

In my work coaching women and men, 99 percent of the problems I see result from a lack of boundaries. "No" is a short word that doesn't get uttered often enough. If your choice is between being liked or respected, always choose the latter.

No contact is a good time to develop better boundaries and increase your self-esteem. Abandon dysfunctional behaviors you learned in childhood. When you assess where you mis-stepped—and correct those behaviors—you have a much better probability of success the next time around.

4. You will rediscover forgotten sources of happiness.

Single women often have amazingly vibrant lives—they dance salsa, write poetry, and meet girlfriends for road trips. In a relationship, many women dive into a black hole head-first. They get comfortable. They stop flirting and start nagging. They abandon their old friends—and an essential part of themselves.

No contact gives you the time and energy to pursue your goals, big and small. Get the MBA. Plan a trip to Morocco. Flirt with the cute guy in Muay Thai class.

You'll soon realize that although your life without a partner is different, it's just as sweet.

As you start smiling and laughing again, you radiate positive vibrations. In no time, you'll have a host of new suitors because the world is abundant, after all.

5. You'll be able to define your nonnegotiable values.

The vast majority of people look for a relationship the wrong way. They chase after attractiveness, money, or physique. If you want lasting love—the kind that gets better with time—you have to think differently.

What are your values? What are your must-haves? Here are some of my personal favorites:

"I date partners who say 'I'm sorry' and own up to their mistakes."
"I date partners who believe in mutuality—where there is equal give and take."
"I date partners who believe in commitment and communication."
If a recent breakup has left you reeling, think about what values your partner was missing. Make those values nonnegotiable in your next relationship.

6. No contact will bring you back to reality.

In a relationship, sex loads your body with oxytocin and dopamine—the body's "feel good" chemicals. Euphoria often has you mired in fantasy.

Detox brings you back to reality. You see your ex not for what you wish him to be but for who he is. Is he selfish? Cowardly? A liar? An emotionally immature narcissist?

As your eyes open to reality, you can make a better decision about whether he's a good bet for the long haul. Marriage or long-term commitment is no joke, so you want a healthy and stable partner for the ride.

7. No contact will force some growth onto your partner as well.

When you stop pinning your happiness on your partner, you realize it's just you in the world. No one will save you from your demons. It's your job to figure out why you were born and how to make your life rich with meaning.

This work is hard. It's often painful. But, it's the place where life begins and starts getting really rich, rewarding, and fun. You feel younger and wake up excited for the tasks that lie ahead.

You also differentiate "wanting" a partner from "needing" one. Share the journey with someone who "gets" it. A strong teammate will fortify your flagging spirits when the struggle is real. A bad teammate will add to your headaches and problems.

[beyondblessed]

No contact saved my sanity in the beginning and is now just a way of life.  I never used it as a tool to "make him miss me" or "win" him back....I used it to escape and create a life of my own that will never again include him.

[in it]

I used (use it) as protection of myself and my own well being, my healing. It is the only way to protect and / or regain your sanity.

[Tyks]

Thanks for posting again, init

No contact is hard in the beginning but it is the only way to heal. I use to be a puddle on the floor even at the sight of his name... I can now look at his name and think "what an a$$hole. He is missing out on a great life." Maybe his life is great too. Who cares anyway lol.

Although there are still downward cycles, it is getting easier. We definitely heal when there is no contact!