[in it]

 
I totally agree.
Use the time to heal and get stronger.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

NC doesn't work for me. I don't contact my wife but she often does contact me. The longer I go without her contacting me, the worse it is for me.

[in it]

Ray? You are still so very attached. Not that attached is a bad thing..I do understand how you feel. Your W is a total mystery to me.  She and her actions somehow haven't ever gotten you to the anger stage.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

When my wife learned that she is sensitive to wheat, corn, and soy, it had a huge impact on our lives. We had to change the way we ate. We quit going to some of the restaurants we had been going to because there wasn't anything on their menus that she could eat. It sucked. But I didn't get mad at her. She didn't ask to have these food sensitivities and she wasn't making them up or exaggerating them. So how could I get mad at her for something that was out of her control?

I understand your situation. You eventually realized that your ex is an abusive narc and that you're better off without him. My wife wasn't like that. Everyone loved her. She was very thoughtful, helpful, and caring. Nobody could believe she would do the things that she's done.

I've been able to see the confusion, the indecision, the guilt, and the compulsion to do what she's doing anyway. I've experienced the irrational behavior. I myself experienced enough of what she's going through to know how powerful and confusing it is. I haven't ever felt that she was deliberately trying to hurt me except for one time, recently, when I saw her and didn't pay much attention to her and I think she may have tried to hurt me because her feelings were hurt by me not paying attention to her.

I sometimes wish that this were more like a normal breakup. Maybe then I could get angry but who did you get mad at when your spouse gets cancer or dementia or MLC?

[in it]

I understand what you are saying..but how doesn't it make you angry that she chooses to be with someone other than you? Does that sound like someone who cares for or loves you?

In some respects I was way too understanding of the ex.Since he fit the script of an Mlcer I confused the two.

I went back out of compassion I thougjt the damage he did could be repaired and I wanted my family back..I didn't realize he was an abusive narc until after that.

[gman242]

RayOfSunshine, you sound exactly like I did, 10 months ago. You'll eventually stop and ask yourself why you're defending her..

Maybe it's the shock right now, maybe it's everyone calling you crazy for still wanting to be with her.. For me, I said the same thing. W and I both had abusive backgrounds, in many forms, I understood. I understood what other's didn't and weren't seeing. At least for me, my family lived in denial of the abuse they put me through and I felt by defending W, I was also standing up for myself too. And there was a part of me that hoped if I could prove what I good guy I was and that I believed in her, this would all go away.

Well, it didn't and here I am a year later typing this out to you. Ok, so you went through what she did, sorta, like I did. Ask yourself what made you different? Why didn't you do what she did or is still doing? Everyone liked and loved my W too.. best mother, best friend..

Give yourself sometime. I guarantee when you can step away a bit, you'll see plenty of little things that should have added up to big things that you overlooked for one reason or another. Sure, nobody's marriage is perfect, but I bet that you felt that, like me, because you loved her, it would be enough.

These things don't happen for no reason. No, at the core it isn't their fault, but their choices are theirs and theirs alone. It's up to my W to fix herself, that's why I say I'm not standing for her, I'm living for me. It's her mess. I didn't do what she did, she can have it or work to have me back. Either way, I'm not stopping and I'm sure as hell not looking back.

[beyondblessed]

Great post and outlook, Gman.  None of us here has the powe or capability to fix what we did not break.  The only thing we can do is live the lives we were given.  It's all about choices and we all are given an abundance of opportunities to pursue or not.  We are what we do and that shapes who we become.  So if a person's not living an authentic life, the only person they are really hurting is themself.  No, these runaway spouses did not create the internal pain they have, but they continue to feed it and live off of it.  Again, it's a choice.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

RayOfSunshine, you sound exactly like I did, 10 months ago. You'll eventually stop and ask yourself why you're defending her..

BD for us was more than 3 years ago and I'm still "defending" her. I understand why this is happening more now than I did 3 years ago so I don't think I'm going to change my behavior anytime soon.

The issue seems pretty straight-forward to me. Either you believe in MLC or you don't. If you believe in MLC then you'll understand why I'm "defending" her. If you don't believe in MLC then you'll never understand the person who is going through the crisis and you'll never understand LBSes like me who sympathize with them.

My brother's wife has Frontal Lobe Dementia. Her personality has changed, just as my wife's personality has changed. Some of her behaviors are bizarre, just as some of my wife's behaviors are bizarre. It's difficult for my brother to deal with his wife's situation, just as it's difficult for me to deal with my wife's situation. My brother doesn't use his wife's condition to "defend" her behavior but he does use it to explain her behavior and he continues to love her and treat her with compassion, which is what I believe I do with my wife.

In some ways my brother is very lucky. When he meets others who have a spouse or family member with Frontal Lobe Dementia he doesn't have to explain to them why he is "defending" his wife nor does he have to listen to suggestions from them that her dementia is her issue, that it's a personal shortcoming on her part, that she could choose not to behave the way she does, and that he should leave her to deal with it. It would be nice if an LBS whose spouse is going through an MLC could receive a similar level of understanding and support on a forum whose purpose is to support LBSes with spouses going through an MLC.

I'm tired of justifying myself and I'm tired of hearing that I'm "defending" my wife and I'm tired of having people who don't understand or believe in MLC continue to tell me that I shouldn't be "defending" my wife and to either insinuate or to come right out and say that this is her choice and her fault. It's ironic that my friends in Alanon seem to understand what my wife and I are going through when so many here don't. Does anyone read the articles portion of this site or do any research or do you just come here to express your opinion and vent your hurt feelings?

My father spent 3 years on the front lines during WWII as a tank driver and was involved in three amphibious landings and numerous major battles. My family went through hell because he returned with PTSD that was never diagnosed or treated because "war neurosis" was viewed as a personal weakness and those who admitted to being affected by it were looked down on and treated like it was their fault that they had PTSD. People believed the soldier with "war neurosis" must have personal shortcomings because most soldiers weren't affected by it. They were blamed for "choosing" to have PTSD.

Look at me. Now I'm "defending" my father for not having sufficient moral stamina to overcome his wartime trauma. I'm afraid I'm a hopeless defender of the weak and mentally unfit. Maybe I'm wrong and General George Patton had the right idea when he slapped a soldier who was being seen for shell shock and stated “Don’t admit this yellow bastard…There’s nothing the matter with him. I won’t have the hospitals cluttered up with these sons of b!tc#es who haven’t got the guts to fight” (Magee, 2006)"

[Mitzpah]

I sometimes look at this thread out of curiosity since NC has never been the way to go for me.

Just wanted to say that I do understand you Ray.

I think there are valid reasons to have no more contact with an abusive person, however, there are many of us who have spouses in MLC who were never abusive before the onset of the crisis. When they present with bizarre and out of character behavior we are confused and some of us may begin to see traces of PDs. Personally, I believe this to be dangerous. My beloved father told me at the beginning of this, when I tried to explain the unexplainable, to trust God to bring my h. home and not to listen to psychobabble! Of course, I realize that MLC is a mental dis-ease and I can see there is a process, albeit slow, and at times, incomprehensible.

Because of this, I cannot go with NC - like you Ray, I allow my h. to initiate and I attempt to mirror him, always treating him with kindness and affection.

I do believe in stepping back and letting them get on with their crisis while I carry on with the business of living.

JMHO

[gman242]

ROS, I have my own PTSD to deal with, my own demons..

You need to take care of you too. As long as you're doing that, you're good.

I've found it helps to look objectively at the situation. Yes this person made their own choices and yes, there is something wrong with them. Somehow, it's a combination of both. So yes, you can defend them, yes you can understand, but you can also take care of you and make sure that you're living the best possible life at the same time.