[Jaybeecee]

People who have never experienced MLC always say to me how would you ever be able to trust him not to cheat again.

I think most of you would agree, that is the easy part.  This man NEVER was even tempted to cheat on me in 22 years, trust me.  I think the hardest part of building trust is to trust that he won't give up again.  That he won't road the coward's way out and run if things get too tough. 

So I suppose the answer to that is the same as the answer to MLC-Time.  It's now my least favorite 4 letter word.

[Seeing The Light]

I think the hardest part of building trust is to trust that he won't give up again.  That he won't road the coward's way out and run if things get too tough. 

Agreed... I think that this will be the hardest part for me if/when that time comes.

[The lighthouse]

I didn't rush you so don't rush me He gets it.

I like that  .

I think the hardest part of building trust is to trust that he won't give up again.  That he won't road the coward's way out and run if things get too tough. 

I agree Jay, the infidelity was just a symptom of the crisis, and like your H, at least as far as a spouse can ever really know, my H didn't cheat in 23 years, but he already had a history of running when life got tough (he ran away from home as a youth).  So yes, trusting that he wouldn't run again would probably be the thing I would find more difficult to trust in.

[osb]

This is such a good question. I'm struggling badly with this one.

Four years ago my H relocated to the guest room, then ran off to the mountains for months at a time, had a couple of EA's, and eventually decided he was returning... and then asked if I'd be ok with that (not that we were getting back together, mind you; he just didn't want to live in a tent anymore). It was more than a year after that, that we actually started to reconcile in any shape or form.

My H has done the heavy-lifting work of lugging his shrinking conscience from terrified to guilty to actually remorseful. He says he's not that guy anymore, and truly he looks and sounds different. But how can he prove to me that he's trustworthy? By not doing anything bad? How could he prove a negative? H thinks he can just live with me, be a decent guy, and try not to set off my (multitudinous) triggers. And hope that one day, it'll be enough.

When will it be enough for me? Well, I'm honestly delighted to recover a relationship with H (as he is now). But in the back of my mind, I can't rest easy - it will happen again, my brain tells me, just wait and he'll do it again. He'll dissociate and drift, just like he did before. Some weeks back, when H (accidentally? mindlessly? on purpose?) really hit a trigger with me, I told H I can't trust you, and H reacted like I'd hit him. "Do you know what it feels like, to know you don't trust me?" H asked. Then he withdrew for days, in a stew of remorse. I could've yelled, "you don't know what it feels like to live through your partner's MLC...". But this could become an endless cycle - H breaks my trust, I can't trust him so I berate him, he can't let himself be vulnerable to me... so he will break my trust. It's a koan - what is the sound of one hand trusting? So... this is what I realize: independent of whether H deserves my trust or not, I have to learn to put aside my (realistic, dammit!) doubts and to trust. It's like walking on a fractured limb. I don't know how to do this. But I know I must.

[barbiedoll]

Lots of great answers and insights to this question. Trust? Just a massive thing to loose.. makes me feel alone, disconnected with no "real home or anchor". I had no idea the true value of the word "trust".. I simply took it for granted that he was 100% trustworthy . It was excruciating to destroy the pedestal and face that he is in fact "ordinary". Loss of trust is truly the most painful human injury .. the consequences are endless and never silent . .. and I fear very long lasting.

For me, it is about doing my own inner work, gaining my own emotional strength , my own stability , repairing what I viewed as a total explosion of my own "intuition".  My intuition was "wrong " about him . I wept all over the therapist for this perceived loss. How will I navigate my life without my intuition ? How will I know if my daughters are okay without my intuition?  It was very had to face and accept that I failed to trust myself . I failed to honor myself and believe the inner voice that KNEW there was an affair. I failed to act on that voice for the 1st time in my life. It was too horrific to process... so I put myself in harms way physically , emotionally . I need to continue to work on my own internal self , forgive myself and know that no matter what he ever does in life again... I can trust myself, be there for myself... and I will be just fine. I will never be slaughtered again . I am not there yet but I see a goal. Without trusting yourself, I do not believe you are ever "safe" enough to even consider trusting another.

It is 100% about actions... consistent repeated actions. He calls, he is accountable for his time , his whereabouts , his words. He respects my anxiety as a result of his actions and he consistently and repeatedly "owns" that injury and tries to show reliability and rebuild his integrity and honesty. He is not (EVER) defensive when he is asked questions. He does not do anything that appears "unpredictable" or suspicious without explanation. He pays attention, asks me "are you okay", he knows the "triggers" and tries to be aware. I feel he is genuine and sincere in his efforts... starts to lean towards trusting him again. It has been 2 1/2 years of "reconnection" and still learning about the extent of the consequences of loss of trust.

Trusting again is very unique to each person... from our FOO issues, past experiences, personalities and on and on. I have been betrayed in the past . It took years to recover. My husband knew that about me .. he knew the pain and suffering I endured . He was my rock. So it was an absolute explosion of my life , when he betrayed and lied. I still feel the shock to this very day. The gift of trust I gave to him was a risk . He was worth the risk . Never will I do that again. Not in a bitter , angry way... just the natural flow of cause and affect. Never will I be capable of fully trusting another person as long as I live. I could not survive it again. He is very aware of his permanent caution in my life.

My husband just will not quit. He will not walk away . He will not say "enough is enough".. I am done with this sh$t!. He has got the staying power few men can withstand . This has been HARD !. He has taken a true and consistent sh$t kicking and still he owns it and moves forward. His daughters have handed him a few more teary kicks... but he says " I will never ever leave you again..ever". I admire that about him. He consistently attends his counselling for 2 1/2 years  to understand " where he went mentally / or how this could ever have happened ". This helps with trust big time . Feeling reassured that he will NOT run again .. points to trust .

WE read about trust or watch some videos and have conversations . Never will it simply be taken for granted. We have done "trust building " workbooks at Retrovaille  and he is aware of the damage and shows patience . We have agreed what trust is and how it destroys lives. He has shown remorse and he has taken 100 % responsibility . He participates in all discussions wether in private or public.He has said many times that he is sorry and deeply regrets his actions . All helps ioren re establishing some measure of trust. 

I have PTSD , so just a smorgasboard of triggers and reativity... still he stays, he is kind and good, he listens and lets me cry, he takes me lovely calming places, I feel a priority now.... he talks far  more to me...
Computer is dying ... so I will stop for the night... but there is more to say here . I will be back 

[BBhelp]

At the start...it was all about actions.  What was SHE doing to make sure I was ok...that I was feeling safe.  For her to do that she had to acknowledge what she had done and accept the consequences.  That helped ease the DOUBTS & FEARS I had...but it didn't build REAL TRUST.

REAL TRUST for me came toward the end when I had finally learned that I was just fine being just me.  When I finally stopped looking at everything in my life through the lens of a MLC Victim.  That day changed my life...because that was when I was finally free...free of flashbacks, free of worry, fear of all the what ifs and whys. 

I was fine...better than fine...I was free and finally felt like I could be happy and move forward without looking back; and at that point trust was easier to give because you realize that you survived this nightmare, climbed the mountain of recovery and now know that no matter what comes that you are strong enough to handle it.

Stay Strong

BB

[catinthehat]

Attaching to this thread.
There are some incredibly helpful insights that people are posting here. I am a long way away from any kind of reconciliation - learning to trust myself and my own feelings is where I am at. I was too trusting, and blind, so now I go the other way and second guess myself constantly. It seems to me once you can trust yourself again, trusting others gets much easier.
Looking forward to hearing more from those of you who have progressed along this path and survived!

[Roma]

Such great insight and replies. Thank you all. Maybe I should change the title of this thread to something like, what to do in order to  trust again? or something like that because there are many no longer standing.

I see working on trusting again not just for my MLCer yet for anyone as my main mirror work focus. Ok it took a year for me to figure out that I am responsible for my own feelings.

[Slow Fade]

Last, we have to accept that trusting them again will take TIME - lots of time.  We also have to be realistic and accept that we may never trust them unreservedly again, but we can TRUST OURSELVES.

I agree with this. Do I trust my H? No. Do I trust God and myself? Yes and in that order.

[Kintsugi]

I have days when I feel like you and then there are days when I slide right back to where I was a year ago when I learned of his shenanigans.  I find comfort in knowing I did not do anything wrong here and that it is all about him and his selfishness.  I think I am going to try and focus on not looking at things through the lens of an MLC victim.  I have tons of doubts and fears and I try not to discuss them but when I do, H acts surprised and thinks when we don't talk about it, things are good. 

At the start...it was all about actions.  What was SHE doing to make sure I was ok...that I was feeling safe.  For her to do that she had to acknowledge what she had done and accept the consequences.  That helped ease the DOUBTS & FEARS I had...but it didn't build REAL TRUST.

REAL TRUST for me came toward the end when I had finally learned that I was just fine being just me.  When I finally stopped looking at everything in my life through the lens of a MLC Victim.  That day changed my life...because that was when I was finally free...free of flashbacks, free of worry, fear of all the what ifs and whys. 

I was fine...better than fine...I was free and finally felt like I could be happy and move forward without looking back; and at that point trust was easier to give because you realize that you survived this nightmare, climbed the mountain of recovery and now know that no matter what comes that you are strong enough to handle it.

Stay Strong

BB