[Not Applicable]

I've suspended any decisions about trust until my husband is further along in his MLC. I trust him on a day to day basis to do his best under the current circumstances and to not abandon me, but there were promises made in the past that he broke and those are the things I will have to deal with on a case by case basis in the future.

But the issue of trust goes both ways. He always said he trusted me more than anyone, even his mother. Now I sometimes see he is distrustful of me. Probably more due to his own actions than my own. But that hurts me almost more than losing my own trust in him.

[Trustandlove]

That appears to be the right way to approach it; it's also what RCR says in the article on trust. 

withhold complete Trust until there has been an effort to heal your relationship as well as each of you as individuals, until there has been active remorse--words are not enough--and until there has been active rebuilding of the relationship--whether it is a marital relationship or a relationship that will continue as former spouses and co-parents.

My has has got very upset when I got the courage to say that I didn't trust him, however when I asked if he wanted me to trust him he couldn't answer, mumbling something about "well, I guess everyone wants to be trusted". 

He does say without hesitation that he trusts me. 

It's yet another tightrope; we don't want to facilitate mistrust by acting "as if" they can't be trusted, equally we don't want to offer trust where it isn't warranted. 

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_assurances_trust_tidbits-of-trust.html

[Not Applicable]

I wouldn't say I am withholding trust as much as delaying judgment as to whether he deserves it or not. At this point I think what is for the best is to at least act "as if" I trust him because he has promised me that the worst aspects of the MLC are temporary and he seems to get very upset if he feels I am doubting that or not accepting it. I think I will have more leverage in the future if necessary if I have acted as I trusted him during this period and he lets me down.

[Thunder]

I agree, Changing.  Best route to go.

[BBhelp]

Changing...

The other thing to remember is that the "Trust" that you have in your head is probably based more on your Pre-MLC thoughts and understanding.  This experience changes you forever no matter what.  I always say that Christmas is never the same after you learn that Santa isn't real.  Well Trust is never the same after you have seen what we have seen. 

Speaking from the Post-MLC world.  I trust my wife without a thought. If she is late, texting, whatever...my mind no longer runs back to bad memories and worries.  That distrust is gone.  She earned that right, and her actions since MLC allowed me to let go of those worries.  So in time it does come back. What doesn't come back is the blissful naivete that was once a staple for us all.  We all believed that love could never hurt like that and that they would never do anything like that...but the realities of life touch us all eventually and we learn it was just Mom & Dad filling those stockings.

The MLC'r that is angry when we don't trust them came in two forms for me...the first was the conniving liar that used that argument to try and flip the blame and change the lighting to my shortcomings rather than on her sins...the second one was the repentant spouse trying to win back what she had lost, because the loss of that trust broke her heart and she didn't know how to get it back.  Dealing with that angry MLC'r took two entirely different tacks as those were two entirely different people.  Trust is a word we throw out often...but is hard to define as it is a feeling more than a thing.  Talking about it with our spouses tends to start more fights than it finishes.  Eventually I stopped using it because it was something that only she could earn with actions and not words and it was something that I could only feel when I let go of the past, forgave her sins and moved on with living without the microscope of MLC.

Stay Strong.

BB

[gman242]

Dang BB, great commentary as always.

[handpuppets]

I recently had a convo with Mr. HP where I told him that I didn't trust him... because if I couldn't trust him with the small stuff, how on earth could I trust him with the big stuff.

Flash forward to yesterday... one of the small things I mentioned during that convo, he managed to keep his end of the agreement and give me proper notice. I like to believe they are listening to what we say and do.

[Finding Hope]

Elegance,

Trust, BB hit the nail on the head. When Mr. FH moved towards me, and I knew he was serious about our marriage, I just told him that I didn't trust him and It wasn't my job to make that happen. I let that process for awhile. He became more open about what he was doing and who was on the phone, baby steps. Funny thing by the time we got to that point, I was ready for whatever happened.

Do I trust him, honestly don't think about it much. I know that he knows, if he screws up again, I'm out of there. So, the pressures on him to make things better, not me.

FH

[Roma]

When I created this thread, my H was out of the tunnel and stayed out for four solid months.

I did my reading and knew he couldn't just snap out of it!

He didn't, it was nice while the old H was back, yet ran back in the tunnel.

So any trust established was lost again    I'm not even thinking about trying to trust him again until i see significan't improvement for at least a year!

[MyBrainIsBroken]

...but the realities of life touch us all eventually and we learn it was just Mom & Dad filling those stockings.