I also realize we are ALL narcs to some degree. Its not a black and white thing...its a scale. And I now have to say Ex ranks very high up on the NPD scale, and I am damn high on the mirror narc scale.
Absolutely! We are all narcs to some degree. It is a scale, and it's only problematic if someone is high on the scale. It changes with age (we tend to be more narcissistic when we are young) and also mood. Essentially, narcissism is about feeling special, better than the rest, and there are moments when we have to convince ourselves of this in order to face a challenge or difficulty... including a narcissist!
I've been reading "Rethinking Narcissism" by Dr Craig Malkin, as I realised that my H is a introverted narcissist.
Here are the warning signs;
1.
Emotional phobia; they shore up their self-confidence by imagining themselves as self-sufficient and impervious to other people's behaviour and feelings
2.
Projection. They project the feelings that they are trying to ignore onto someone else, and even provoke you into having them.
3.
Controlling. They need to be in charge, and feel uneasy asking for help.
4.
Putting people on pedestals. If they place their lover on a pedestal, it's another way of saying how special they are
5.
Fantasizing that they have a twin or soul mate . With a mirror twin at their side, their ideas make sense, and the other reflects who they feel they are. It's the narcissism of early love or adolescence, and also of illicit lovers.
My H (and his mum) show 1-3, although not being at the NPD end of the scale, they are not totally impervious to people's feelings. In fact they make quite a big thing of being real community carers (another type of narcissism). But when it comes to their inner selves, they reveal nothing of what they really feel. They can hurl insults at each other and both will act like they don't care. My H has teased me for years, not brutally, but constantly. It makes him feel better about himself if he feels that he is better than me.
He even did it this lunchtime. Instead of reacting, I said "I don't like you teasing me", to which he replied "It's just a bit of fun. The problem is your self confidence. If you felt better about yourself, it wouldn't matter". Actually, I told him, I feel fine about myself. I just don't like your teasing. I could have told him (but I didn't) that if he felt better about himself, he wouldn't need to tease me. I can't actually remember how he teased me. It actually doesn't matter. It's the usual stuff... about my weight, my big feet or fat fingers, or eyes like "Mr Maggoo". Rubbish.
I'm actually not a mirror. I can be, up to a point. I like to keep the peace, like everyone to be happy. But I'm a volcano (and I was with my dad). If you push my buttons, I eventually explode. My H loved to push my buttons, especially when he was upset. He could make me react and I'd take the blame for his feelings.
Leading up to his MLC, I was less tolerant. In fact, he'd encouraged me so much with my studies (placing me on a pedestal and telling me I was far more intelligent than average) that I'd come to know quite a lot. Working towards me PhD, I had no tolerance for his behaviour. After he hit MLC, I had even less.
My lightbulb moment this week was when I realised that
"rage makes narcissists of us all" (p.115). And when we become narcissistic in response to our narcissist, it
increases their narcissism..
Aha! I didn't make him a narcissist. But I can make him more narcissistic by my behaviour. According to Dr Malkin, we can also do the opposite; we can build bonds of trust and empathy.
We have to be careful here. There are narcissists who are too far gone to be affected by this. He suggests three stop signs, when we should leave our relationship.
1. Emotional or physical abuse
2. Psychopathy (cold remorseless lies and manipulation)
3. Denial (refusal to admit to problems and seek help).I would add another:
Lack of empathy.Unhealthy narcissism is when they conceal vulnerability, insecurity, sadness, fear, loneliness and shame. The way we can see if there is hope is to see if they can come out of hiding, with empathy prompts, and by sharing with them our own hurts and vulnerabilities, without rage, armor, and reach for deeper intimacy. But we have to be safe enough to do this (so not with those with characteristics mentioned in red).
I've seen the cracks in H's armor several times. Recently, I've seen that he is willing to change if given the right prompts in the right way.
Is it enough? I will see. I have to be stronger than ever now. Strong enough to go, if necessary. Strong enough to overcome my temper, and strong enough to look at myself.
I don't think I was ever the perfect mirror (or, as Malkin calls it, high on echoism). I admired H, put him on a pedestal. H loved my nurturing side, the fact that I looked up to him, and that I needed him, and that I took care of him and our children. Yes, I have to admit that I swallowed too much, and did too much for him. (There were reasons, in my mind, as he was always working too hard... better than engaging with emotions!) But I am also independent, gregarious, fun-loving... and volatile. He cannot handle this, and tried to repress my extrovert side.
The perfect storm leading to his breakdown were my increasing independence as a thinker, my volatility, my stress, his extreme stress (burnout) and overwork, his narcissistic tendencies... and finally facing what he couldn't face: recovering the body of his assassinated of his father. It led to his internal collapse; his narcissism sky-rocketed.
Narcissism, Articles, Way to Deal With II
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