[calamity]

So what do we need to do to become whole and healed and when IS a good time to start dating?

Wisdom from a 20 yo:  If you're not okay alone, you're not okay with someone.

What I found when I was younger, you never meet anyone when you are looking--usually I got attached to guys at the most inconvenient times.  Relationships form naturally from common interests or activities.  Relax, live your life and you'll meet someone.

[Dji76]

I think the "being good on your own" is an excellent place to start. Beyond that it becomes about attracting the right type of person for what you are looking for. Casual dating parteners and relationships are 2 different things entirely. Imo, if you haven't made some dramatic improvements in your healing you will attract someone like your x... Patterns repeat until the lesson is learned.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Nah you are right. Dating  immediately after BD can be a disaster. But I had a much different experience with my one night stand 1 month post BD. It was wonderful and actually reminded me how desirable and a catch I am. BUT he was someone I didn't know so I could send him on his way and never see him again. It would have been awful if it was someone I knew.

[beyondblessed]

One key thing for all of us to remember is that our desirability and attractiveness had absolutely nothing to do with our being left by our (ex) spouses.  If you feel that is a reason, you will definitely need to get your thinking in order before stepping out into the dating scene again.  I shudder to think what type of person would be attracted to you feeling so down on yourself.

My boyfriend now is so much more mature than my xh, even though he is almost 4 years our junior.  He was in the Army for many years....in several war zones, which he admits helped him grow and mature as a man.  That is unfortunately something my xh never learned to do...and even through all of this, he may still never grow up and learn to be a responsible adult.  He's a chronic complainer and blame has always been the name of his game.  I was a Co dependent fixer, who got kicked to the curb when I decided to distance myself from his constant negativity and drama.  We played that game for about 2.5 years leading to his cheating, lying and BD. .and when I said never again, that's exactly what I meant.

My new man, while not perfect, has treated me with nothing but kindness, consideration, respect, concern for my well being...etc, etc.  For the first time, I feel like I am in a true adult relationship.  It is nothing like what I spent 18 years doing with xh, in fact, those years seem so fake to me now, like we were just two people living together, but having separate lives.  It's no wonder I don't recognize xh anymore.  He doesn't even know himself right now, so how could I possibly know him?

I just think if you become so set in standing and waiting for something that doesn't have a likely chance of happening, you will be cheating yourself out of a lot of opportunities and new memories.  God put us all on this path for a reason, but it is up to us to trust and follow.  GAL, keep doing things to grow and better yourself.  You don't need to specifically seek out a new love interest to move forward.  Love your life, and your love life will take care of itself.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

New to this thread.

I was married to what can only be described as an insecure kid with mommy issues. The AD is now filling that role  ( mommy ) nicely. I guess they were made for each other. I'm ready to date and move on because I've been practically alone for the last 8 years. He started in 2008 with this madness.

I think that the AD is in perpetual MLC. She told my MD, and I quote, "I'm so immature, I'm still running around like I'm in my 20's. I guess it's because I don't have any kids or any real responsibilities." I kid you not, she told this to my MD who is only 16.

So like tocslave I too was married to a kid that never grew up. Twenty one years in the military and they still couldn't make a man out of him. A marine no less.

I know that this has nothing to do with my attractiveness, desirability, ect... I would just be nice to get a break. He's thrown us into financial chaos. And, my poor kids are still caught in the middle. I too have met someone that is mature and seems to have his act together. He just turned 50 today as a matter of fact. Only time will tell.

He's positive and really kind. Easy to talk to, and there's something about him. I can't put my finger on it... There's an authenticity, and something very genuine. The Ex was not, he was a poseur at best. Can't say I miss him.

He's done so much damage, and denies and deflects as much as possible. Argues with my MD and treats her poorly. Favors the OD and YD. YD says it's because he knows that MD is more mature and smarter than he is. Guess who she's the most like?

YD doesn't get much attention from him either (Still treats her likes she's little at 12). But, the AD sure does. She's definitely the perfect MLC partner that's for sure. And a Smotherer, will be really interesting to see that relationship implode. I've gone "ghost", don't want to be anywhere near that when it does go up in flames. The kids are basically DD, keeping their distance has been a plus.

They actually want me to date and find someone else. They've never really liked or trusted their father. I don't blame them, he's a little boy dressed up in a man's suit. Even still, I want to be really careful. I have two girls that will still be living with me, he has to be the right one. One that will want to help me finish raising them. Don't know how things will work out with this one, but if it doesn't. Well, having someone to have coffee and dinner with will be nice. 

[nah]

One key thing for all of us to remember is that our desirability and attractiveness had absolutely nothing to do with our being left by our (ex) spouses.  If you feel that is a reason, you will definitely need to get your thinking in order before stepping out into the dating scene again.  I shudder to think what type of person would be attracted to you feeling so down on yourself.

No I don't think anybody thinks we are desirable because we were left. I wrote we tend to be desirable because most of us ( since we were in LTRs) tend to be loyal.

[SwiftCovenant]

This has been an interesting read as I have considered online dating.  I even have a profile up on ChristianMingle, but it's not a paid subscription however,  people can see it.  I've had around 30 messages, but because I'm not paid I can't actually see what they say if the message is more than just a "wink."  I have perused several profiles, but nothing/no one has stood out to me.  In this "toe-dipping" experiment for the last couple of months I'm about ready to say online dating is not for me.  I think I'm more into connecting in real life.  I know some people met and married by online dating, but I've honestly heard more crazy stories than successes, but that's just in my limited circle.

My situation is that I had one "going together" relationship before I met H at 17.  I have never been single until the last 3.5 years...meaning I went straight from my parents house to living with a H once I got married.  I was a commuter student in college and didn't even live in a dorm/apartment situation with roommates.  So, technically, I've never been in the adult dating scene.

As far as when it's appropriate to date I have some pretty strict Christian views on it; however, during this this process I have pulled away from Covenant standing.  I feel my situation clearly meets Biblical standards of justification for divorce for both adultery and abandonment.  The separation agreement that my husband drafted (and I signed) stated that legally we could date without fear of repercussions.  I didn't act on that clause but Ex-H sure did!

With that said, I know not everyone here shares my views.  I respect that, however, I do believe it's not healthy to jump right out of a marriage into the dating scene.  In fact, most experts, religious and non-religious, whole-heartedly agree that learning to be a satisfied healthy single person should be the first goal.  I understand that Western culture is okay with casual dating/sex and that it's widely acceptable, but a saying I think is applicable here is, "Just because you can doesn't mean you should."

If you are a single person, mostly emotionally mature, who's never been married or jilted from a long-term relationship then you can approach the dating scene with an unvarnished view; however, no matter what you think if you've been through the hell of being dumped by a husband or a long-term partner you're carrying some pretty big baggage and dating/sex carries some very, very big risks if you've not taken the time to heal.

Now, I went through the DivorceCare program which comes from a  Christian point of view, but their recommendation is that you shouldn't date until 2 years post divorce.  That may seem extreme, BUT I'm only 11 months out from divorce, 4 years from the 2nd bomb drop, and I'm finding that I'm probably not healed yet enough to date.  I'm probably 75% there, but still, I think I'm not quite ready.  There are times I feel ready, but when I get close to pulling the trigger on a dating site, or if I meet someone who shows some interest my gut immediately goes, "NOPE, NOT READY!"

For what it's worth that's my 2 cents!

[Kat0465]

HI Swift,
that's another obstacle.The never been single before... I went form a 5 year relationship All thru high school and my first year out of HS.to a short breakup (6 Months) Moved home that 6. them Met H. a year later..... Married. all at the tender age of 20.

28 Years years later BAM.
Dating rules for 2016.......Have no clue. Obviously social media has changed things and not for the better...

i don't regret my stand of almost 2 years. and actually its not the relationship with OW that made me decide to not.FOR ME, it was months and months of Prayer, reflection, and finally coming to grips with the reality of all of this.

. It was the total lack of i dunno...Empathy,Love,Concerne for me or his children.NONE!

Nobody deserves this kind of treatment....... Nothing wrong with taking it slow.. we have went thru hell, and lets face it. at this age, people are ripe for MLC. now THATS scary stuff

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Swift, I too am doing Divorce Care. I keep saying this over and over. NO ONE can determine the timing of dating for the LBS except the LBS. I got pregnant at 17 with my oldest son and had a ton of boyfriends before that. Never married his dad but stayed together for 2 1/2 years. Then was single and dated a little for 18 months. Met my first husband when I was 22. Was with him 12 years, 4 of which we were married. Then had a relationship for 4 years. Then another relationship for 9 months. Single for 5 months and did some online dating. Met H in our 12 step recovery program and was with him 7 1/2 years, 4 of which married.

Again, I cannot compare my life with you or Kat0465 or anyone else in very long marriages. So very different. As you can see, I pretty much suck at relationships and have no desire to get in one again. But I am dating--just coffee dates so far. None have progressed to 2nd date. I won't settle. I just went off online dating for a bit. Too many creepers. God will present someone to me when HE sees fit. I'm in no hurry.

[STP]

Interesting to read different thoughts on dating. I wonder if an apprehension to even simple coffee dates has anything with putting too much importance on the meeting? Are you pre-selecting people that have to meet a criteria? I guess what I mean is, if I was looking precisely for that special someone, I would determine they must like my kind of music, love cats, prefer italian food, be brown eyed, enjoy Halloween etc.

No one I have met meets such a specific set of things I'm looking for. But I adapt and accept and carry on. I don't put much seriousness into dates at all. Purely entertainment in the moment. Enjoying one another's company and when its over, although there is a preference to see them again, their certainly is no need.

SwiftCovenant, I think you should try POF, so you can actually converse and go beyond winks. A basic free service is enough to search by importance of religion. That DivorceCare program seems imposing and controlling. Date when you want to and don't let any rules or experts ideas, control you. I'm sorry you live with fear-an awful way to live. Being free is how one needs to live.

I was loyal to my XW for 28 years and had never really dated much prior to that. Certainly never more than a month with anyone. The frequency that has felt right to me NOW is seeing someone 1-3 times a week, with a text here or there on days we don't see one another. We never talk of the relationship or the future and live happy in the moment together. Keep it light and positive. Be someone they want to be around. Just my thoughts.