[SwiftCovenant]

KAT...I don't regret my four years of standing.  Are there some things I wished I had done differently in my stand?  Yes, certainly, but standing and letting God work out the situation is not one of them.  While the process was long and drawn out I walked away knowing I had done everything I could do, and God finally released me from the marriage.  My conscious is completely clear, and I have grown by leaps and bounds spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  I have found myself again, and that's a gift I wouldn't trade for a shorter resolution.  I needed the process.

More...I wrote my post in a hurry yesterday.  I totally agree that no one can determine the time of dating for the LBS.  That's totally between you and God and what you feel comfortable with.  I guess my one hang up is that I would like to bypass the awkward dating phase and get to the trusting relationship phase, but that's not how it works. eh?  

STP...I didn't find DivorceCare imposing or controlling.  It does come from a Christian worldview, and is scripturally based, but they really have good practical information for anyone who has separated/divorced even if one doesn't come from a Christian worldview.  Their recommdation  for waiting two years post-divorce for dating is just that...a recommendation, but it's backed up with some pretty solid study and evidence that entering the dating world when one is not sufficiently healed is a recipe for disaster.  At the very least a risk for taking unhealed issues into a new relationship which can pollute a new relationship unnecessarily.   Scientific studies show that rushing into a new relationship post divorce is the main reason 80% of second marriages end in divorce.   Now for me, that process my take a full two years.  I know people who waited 6 to 8 years after a divorce before dating anyone.  I know people who dated within months of divorce.  I will have to say that most people I know who jumped into another relationship/marriage quickly after divorce didn't fare well.

Now, most of this wouldn't apply if you are just dating for fun/companionship and aren't looking for anything serious.  My history with guys is to get way too serious way too fast, and not see the red flags in a person.   Now, that was my 16 and 17-year-old self, but at 48...after all I've been through...I realized that tendency is probably still there.  I quickly developed a secret crush on a guy about 6 months after my husband and I separated.  It as never anything more than that, and it didn't lead to anything, but I held onto to that crush for a long while.  then I realized I was at big risk for rebounding.  Fortunately, he didn't live in my city, so once I became conscious that my old tendencies were surfacing it was easier to let it go.

I probably do need to just date without my main goal being a new relationship, but because I realize that I'm not at that place yet I have decided to stay off the dating sites...for now.  I did take my profile off ChristianMingle last night.  I'm not ruling out anything.  If I were to meet someone today and there was mutual attraction, and they asked me out I would most likely accept...but that's not happened yet

Okay, my question is about pursuit.  I'm old fashioned in that I feel a man should pursue a lady.  I'm an introvert by nature, and while I know plenty of women pursue men it's not my style.  I'm more than comfortable reciprocating if a man initiates and i'm interested, but I'm not the kind of girl to see something I like and go after it.  I know a lot of women do.  Is men pursuing a woman still the norm, or am i just an ole fuddy-duddy?

[Dji76]

Swift "My history with guys is to get way too serious way too fast, and not see the red flags in a person.   Now, that was my 16 and 17-year-old self, but at 48...after all I've been through...I realized that tendency is probably still there.  I quickly developed a secret crush on a guy about 6 months after my husband and I separated."

Old habits die hard and this will likely take some conscious effort to change as you begin dating. Personally I had to override my "feelings" and adjust the stories create in my head. Hope this makes sense and helps. I think dating with the purpose of finding a relationship can lead to expectations that may cause you to act in ways that push away the very thing you are looking for.

As for pursuit, why are you uncomfortable and how does the reluctance to approach a man serve you? Im not asking this to be difficult... I think its worth answering those questions for yourself. In my opinion I think its fine for a woman to strike up conversation if she is interested, it shows confidence imo. The alternative is to send out some signals that you are interested, think eye contact. The issue with not taking action is you are leaving it up to the other person to make a move and not all men are comfortable doing so. I have no problem approaching a woman I am interested in, but Im told a lot of guys are just as intimidated as some of the women. Here's the thing, I dont see how anyone will get what they want in life if they arent willing to GO FOR IT. If its an issue of fearing rejection I frame it like this... My xw cheated and basically ghosted me after 18 years, why would I worry if a random person doesnt share my interest?

[SwiftCovenant]

DJI...thanks for your input.  Being single is still such a new thing to me and completely foreign. Honestly, right now I'm working hard on being content in my singleness then I feel I can be open to a relationship again without being needy.   Other than the crush I had I've really not felt attracted to any other man.  My heart and body was completely my H's until he broke all that.   I'm still working on breaking the bond I had with my ex . He's not making it easy because he continues to contact me and relay his regrets and sorrow over and over...happened again today when I contacted him for business reasons.  As of yesterday my house is completely refinanced in my sole name, so now I can now legally go no contact with him.  Business is done.  While I'm very detached I still have feelings toward him, another reason I'm not ready to date even though I realize dating might be the therapy needed to get over the hump.  I just know I need to give it more time and just stay open to whatever God might send my way in His time.  One day I might even feel comfortable with dating sites, who knows?

I don't rule out "crush guy" as a future possibility.    He is the only guy I felt any chemistry with since my H.  There was definitely a spark between us.  He went through what all of us have here.  He and I have a lot in common.  I know because he is a gentleman he didn't pursue anything because at the time we were in contact I was still not available.   He is about six years out from a divorce and has sole custody of his daughter and caring for aging parents.   We live 3.5 hours from each other, and there are other obstacles that I won't get into here.  I know if it's meant to be it will be.  If our paths crossed again I would definitely let him know I'm interested.  He seems to embody all I'm looking for in a man from what I know of him. Sigh...

Going back to pursuit it's something I would have to work at.  I think if I were to feel attracted to a man who's available I could let him know I was interested.  I have no problem with that, and I would definitely reciprocate.  I don't have problems initiating conversation with anyone either, even though I can come off shy and awkward at first.  Again, I'm an introvert, and it's not my comfort zone, but I've done tons of things outside my comfort zone during this transition in my life, so I could do pursuit...if I"m motivated enough

I just wondered of men pursuing is still the norm, or if it goes both ways.  My brother was a bachelor for years, and he felt that most women came on too strong...I mean, REALLY strong.  It was always a turn-off to him.  We're both Gen-X'ers, so we're probably more steeped in the "men pursuing" mindset. 

[Dji76]

Shy and awkward can be endearing... Own it
I also notice women pursue a lot more. That said, i met my xw when i was 19 and was out of the game until i was 38. Only other thing i would add is that i started dating because I thought thats what i should want to do even though I didn't want to at the time. Once i got comfortable with not wanting to I stopped for 6 months and worked on myself some more. That was one of the best things Ive done for myself. No need to rush...

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Swift,

Men still pursue but my experience is if you are attractive, some men are intimidated/scared to pursue. I always had to pursue my past relationships. I pretty much chased down my H, which I now regret. He was painfully afraid to  approach me (funny how he didn't have an issue with OW but then again she was his ex-fiancee). I am doing things different now. Here's the deal...the opposite sex can't read our minds. Someone, including "crush guy", may be interested, but may think you don't actually want to date anyone, aren't ready, or wouldn't be interested in him in that way. Alternatively, they could be afraid to approach you in this way due to their own fears of rejection. I have promised myself that this go-around I will not pursue like I once did. However, I do need to give signs I am interested as they can't read my mind. This can happen gradually through slight flirting and hinting. I was always "out there" with my pursuits, very obvious. I'm not doing that anymore. I will let someone know I have interest through contact and slight flirting/hinting. But I will not overly pursue or ask someone out. I leave that up to them. THEY need to ask me. I am not going to be the one to ask anymore. Eventually, they get the hint and ask.

Another issue, if you want to date outside of "crush guy", is to let everyone you intimately know that you are entering the dating pool and ask if they know anyone for you to date. If they do, ask the person to share your phone number or email with the potential date.

You can do this! Sharing honestly with a date your fears of dating will help you in the long run.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

I just went on a coffee date with an amazing guy. I mean AMAZING. Makes my H look like the louse he is. Sorry, but all the abuse I've received over the last 2 years from H has seriously diminished my want to reconcile. Proved to me there are wonderful men out there and I deserve better. I won't see him again for a week and a half due to our schedules. This is good, though, as I need a slow pace. I am so glad I met up with him.

[beyondblessed]

I just went on a coffee date with an amazing guy. I mean AMAZING. Makes my H look like the louse he is. Sorry, but all the abuse I've received over the last 2 years from H has seriously diminished my want to reconcile. Proved to me there are wonderful men out there and I deserve better. I won't see him again for a week and a half due to our schedules. This is good, though, as I need a slow pace. I am so glad I met up with him.

Right there with you, MWBR.  The man I have been seeing for about 6 months now is such a good man..My xh could never hold a candle to this man.  After I've seen and felt what it is like to be truly cared for and appreciated, I could never settle for anything less....and a letting xh have a shot at a repeat performance would actually be less than less, if that is even possible.  OW can keep her "prize". 

These crazies only know how to do one thing and that's selfishness.  Real and honest love encourages, supports, bends but does not break, and comforts with strength and security, so you gotta really ask yourself "Is that what was present at BD".....real and pure love from your (ex) spouse??  Nope.....so why would you settle for less?

[SwiftCovenant]

Lots of great advice More! I'm not the flirty type, but I'm working on it 

Glad to hear you had a great coffee date, fingers crossed!   

[Kat0465]

Confidence, and  Being comfortable in your own skin goes a loonng way Swift!! I was soo beat Down by BD, Lost 60lbs, was a shell of who I was.

I didn't know how to be ME. but when I did....that's when I noticed a difference. you will find the healthier you are, the more you attract the same.....when we work on us, GAL, Fix things that need fixing we move forward.Take it slow,Allow God to Direct your path as you have been, And it will be good.

[SwiftCovenant]

Thanks Kat.  I really have come a long way, personally, and GAL-ing in the nearly 4 years I have been "single" (separated for 3 and divorced for nearly 1).  There has been a dramatic change in me physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  I still have a ways to go, but I have found myself again.  I was in my early twenties when I lost myself, so now I'm just trying to be her as a middle-aged woman.  Some major adjustments to that alone, but I'm determined to do it!