[Medusa]

If we do our mirror work and such, we are eventually the LBS (Left Better Spouse    ).

For me LBS = Living Better Spouse. I mentally changed that when my mirror work was taking hold because I wasn't the one left behind, STBX was. Same only different.

[Phoenix]

Excellent, Medusa! 
Phoenix

[Velika]

I had a question that'a related but maybe not entirely on topic, but I have noticed in some cases of reconciliation I have read there is an acknowledgement that the MLCer is not really operating at 100 percent.

Is this typical? I know there are people who come out an improved version but is this the exception?

[stayed]

When they first return Velika, very few of them are completely out of the crisis.  At least not the ones that return to their marriage partner or significant other.  When they first start to see the light, they are filled with a lot of guilt and shame.  You would think that would be a good thing but sadly guilt and shame often doesn't work the way we expect it would.  People hate feeling guilty and they hate being ashamed of themselves even more, so for many of them, those feelings end up turning into anger and depression.

I don't know what happens to the men and women who do not return to their spouse.  I don't know if they come out of their crisis or not.  It seems that many do and complete the rest of their lives in a state of depression of some sort.  I have often wondered about the MLCer that did not have a truly loving partner that was willing to ride the aftermath of their crisis with them. 

I did not consider us to be reconciled for the first 3 years of our reconnection.  Honestly, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, then 3 years later I realized that we had been together for 3 years already.  Maybe it was time I let my guard down.  I hadn't realized I was being protective of myself, until that moment, but seriously, opening yourself up to a person that betrayed you so horribly, is not easy to do.

Reconciliation is really, really difficult.  I don't think any MLCer becomes a changed man or woman immediately upon leaving the tunnel.  They tend to nip, in and out of the tunnel for quite a while after they SEEM to be exiting their crisis.  Honestly, you can't really tell if they are out of crisis or not for quite a long while. 

Mine and most other recovered MLCer's that I have known, spend a long time trying to dodge accountability and ownership of their behavior throughout their crisis.  It's crazy, during their crisis, they adamantly deny that they are in CRISIS.  Once they start to come out, their big EXCUSE is, I was having a MLC.  My h tried that one... didn't work out too well for him. 

They become a new, improved person when they finally own what they did.  When they finally accept accountability and actually seek and ask for forgiveness.  Usually we have forgiven the actions, words and behavior during their crisis, but it is pretty surprising how many layers of forgiveness there is.  Just when you think you have totally forgiven them, something else is divulged.  It's not easy and I think any recovered MLCer that returns and completely weathers the aftermath, stands a pretty good chance of becoming a pretty good person.  If they can't, then they will remain shallow, petty and unhappy.

A recovered MLCer can be a pretty amazing person eventually but they have to do a lot of work.  A little easier if they are with a partner who has done the mirror work on him/herself.  Having a role model to follow, definitely makes it a little easier for the returner. 

To top it all off, we can definitely forgive but NOBODY ever forgets! 

Anyway, that's my personal opinion.  Others will be along eventually to add their opinions I expect.

Hugs

[FaithWalker]

If we do our mirror work and such, we are eventually the LBS (Left Better Spouse    ).

For me LBS = Living Better Spouse. I mentally changed that when my mirror work was taking hold because I wasn't the one left behind, STBX was. Same only different.

I like that too Medusa!

[Thunder]

stayed,

What you said made so much sense to me and I can completely related to everything you said.   

[Ready2Transform]

Thank you for a very honest and insightful answer, stayed. It was so appealing to me to spend the first several years thinking of this as a magical process that would be just like a blip in the overall timeline of our lives, but that's not really how life works, is it? Once I got real about what I was actually standing for, I could actually make more educated decisions about it. It's not always warm and fuzzy, but neither is life as a non-stander.

[calamity]

This is going back to the blog post--I couldn't decide where I stood  .  On the one hand I don't like to see newcomers discouraged.  I also cannot see how one would heal without accepting the present reality [spouse gone, lbs alone].

I think the Stockdale Paradox applies to the situation.  Someone on HS quoted it once and I thought it was worth repeating for newcomers.  Google for the background story.

“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”  —James Stockdale

[Adia]

author=calamity

“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”  —James Stockdale

Pretty much sums it up for me; I'm prevailing, but it's been brutal. 

[FaithWalker]

This is going back to the blog post--I couldn't decide where I stood  .  On the one hand I don't like to see newcomers discouraged.  I also cannot see how one would heal without accepting the present reality [spouse gone, lbs alone].

I think the Stockdale Paradox applies to the situation.  Someone on HS quoted it once and I thought it was worth repeating for newcomers.  Google for the background story.

“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”  —James Stockdale

Love this!  Thank you.