[Greenapple]

Hi Rugged. I'm back for the first time in months- nice to see u here again stirring  everybody up! This website would not be the same without you!  Good question. Everyone behave yourselves. Everybody play nice. Life is hard enough. We can't be turning on one another!

[Roma]

Hi RE, glad to see you again and that you felt you could ask such a sensitive question of us.

I had to think of where you might be coming from and realize you might think something is feminine but really isn't.

Men are socialized to think showing any emotion or having a 50/50 relationship or NOT having another woman  for example is feminine when it's not at all.

That's just being a good man or good husband. Women or society may want to change their views of how a good man/husband should be.

Am I right in my thinking of how you might be feeling?

[OffRoad]

Man.=confident, courteous, loyal, truthful, kind, strong, faithful, giving. Those apply to women, too. What exactly IS feminized?  Am I manly because I change the light ballasts,  plumb my sink, repair the toilet and mow the lawn?  Ifso, I'm pretty much hosed since someone has to do it, and I'm the only one who didn’t run away.

A man should be who he is, whatever he is. If he goes to a bar, he will find the type of women who hang in that particular type of bar. Those may or may not be the type of women who hang out in church, or watch football or go for mannies and pedies. They may not be what a man wants or needs. Look elsewhere.

Figure out who YOU are, RE,  and be that man. The rest will follow.

[ruggedendurance]

Figure out who YOU are, RE,  and be that man. The rest will follow.

The question was one that developed over simple observation.    There is a comedian named Greg Geraldo that had a bit on it.   How a woman will meet a man and drive all of his traits out of him.    The end result is he becomes a neutered little puppy and why didn't she simply get a dog?   It was what she was after in the first place.........

I was wondering if this was a universal thing.

The people on this site have had to be way more honest with themselves than most of society.   I figured.   If anyone was going to give me an straight answer.........   I'ld get it here

And.  It stems from the pretzel I turned myself into when I was married.    I sat silent when I wanted to take action........   all of you are familiar with my definition of "action"   

I feel terrible about a destroyed marriage.   I feel terrible that I was married to such a damaged woman.   I feel bad for the damage she suffered.   I feel terrible that her damage runs so deep.

I feel terrible that I had lost so much of myself in the marriage.

And for what?

I guess that is all I am doing with this now.    Just putting myself back together.     An effort to find my authentic self.

Thanks for the replys

[elray]

I'm wondering.   If women make their men into "nice guys" to make themselves comfortable with the relationship and I'm wondering.   If those same women are satisfied with the "nice guy" version of the man they met.

This may be a Neanderthals view and controversial, but it is a view widely advocated by some traditional male voices, arguing that Thousands of years of survival modeling is baked into our lizard brains...I'll try to clean this up a bit and of course add the caveat that all stereotypes break down when exceptional outliers are encountered..when I began operating on this premise my relationship improved.  So here goes.

Men have traditionally been protectors.   To the extent a woman was "making you into a nice guy", she wasn't doing it according to a calculated plan.

It was in her nature to instinctively test you, to see if she could still trust you to be her protector.   Being "nice" in response to this tests, is, in the short term, a way to avoid conflict...but in the long term you fail her emotional and instinctive needs.  To pass the test remain authentic to who you are.  Refuse to be a fake artificial, resentful,  appeasing " nice guy ".

[Ready2Transform]

I feel terrible that I had lost so much of myself in the marriage.

And for what?

I guess that is all I am doing with this now.    Just putting myself back together.     An effort to find my authentic self.

I feel you on this SO much. The closer I get to who I was before at least the marriage part (ten years in), but really what I wanted from life before him altogether, the more I can see how much of the real me was absorbed in this. Happiness vs complacency? Do we not know the difference until we're faced with the contrast?

[Roma]

I forgot to say, I much prefer nice guys. I don't see them as feminine at all.

[Velika]

I want to add that, living in a progressive city with a highly integrated LGBT population has shown me how limiting it is to think of qualities as male or female. A healthy person possesses a type of balanced strength that they lend to others. It is a positive energy.

[Thunder]

I just wanted to say, I see women all the time marrying a man in hopes she can change him.  It does not happen.  If you don't like them exactly how they are accept it or don't marry them.

Sorry, I see very few men who think they can change their gf if they marry them.  Most of the time they think their pretty perfect.

I think it's more of a female thing, in my opinion.

[Dji76]

Its possible to be nice and still traditionally masculine. Seems like many times it is inferred that when someone says masculine people immediately associate that with bad boy / a$$hat. The most masculine men I know and aspire to be like are extremely confident and kind because they know they can handle themselves in any situation. They dont have to worry about their kindness being confused as weakness because they will not allow themselves to be taken advantage of. In my experience the jerks that are initially thought of as badasses are just fronting to avoid conflict... Kinda like a small dog that barks a lot.