[strength]

Never, It seems all H's are the same.  It is as though they follow a script.

Keep Believing, My H never bothers with me at all.  I am 1000 miles from home and has no interest in making sure I am doing ok.  H is so involved with OW, that H sees nothing else.

3 1/2+ years and nothing has changed and I am beginning to believe there will ever be normalcy again in this life.  I feel sorry for the children and all they have to endure.  We must stay strong. 

[xyzcf]

There most certainly is a "script". It is fascinating because many MLCers say the exact same words and are rather predictable in what they go through. Although it feels very slow, it is never stagnant. Change for them and for us is inevitable.

Life becomes different for the LBSer, that becomes the new normal. With time, as the pain fades, life becomes quite precious again. I know now what can be lost and so I am more aware of the joys of each passing moment.

I will say, that for me, it took about 6 years before I started to feel normal. I used to say that I had become a new xyzcf and that I didn't like her very much, but I think now, this different xyzcf has become more comfortable in her skin.

[Christina13]

   Hi everyone.
Denjef I was wondering if you could even remember the good times with your H.
My husband keeps saying that was then. Here's where we are now.
I don't have proof of a current ow. He cheated briefly and said it was just to see if that was his problem. He wanted to be with someone else.
This never of course made much sense morally. But I'm dealing with drug use and very bipolar behavior.
He has certain days he doesn't come around. I worry he's creating a bond with someone else.
After we got the tree he seemed really confused as to why I wasn't all happy.
He said he doesn't come around some days because of my behavior. Must days I leave the area he's at and don't talk to him.
 He's told me he isn't attracted to me anymore. He says this a few times. And then said he was mad at the time. But then he says he wasn't into me anymore physically. I guess I wonder why he wants to hurt me in that way. Like cheating wasn't enough.
H and I have been friends since we were ten. He keeps saying it means nothing to him.
 From your experience did you project on to your h ?
Could you remember anything good about your life. Your past ? I can't believe he's throwing it all away.
A few days ago he said to D13 to be kind to me because I'm going through a lot.
He's the cause. How can he even tell the kids this knowing they all know.
I ask him anything and he refuses to answer or says I'm a liar to you anyway right ?
 Well yes he is but I don't know if he is for real this guy. Who talks like that. Knowing all the lies.
 Sometimes I want to tell him how can he forget our wedding day. Or the day our kids were born. Does that mean nothing now ? I want to tell him I love him.
But everyone says to do the 180.
Should I not ask him if he has someone. Should I not be open how I feel ?
Thank you in advance.

[stillbaffled]

Life becomes different for the LBSer, that becomes the new normal. With time, as the pain fades, life becomes quite precious again. I know now what can be lost and so I am more aware of the joys of each passing moment.

Very true and I'm learning this as well.

[bluerose]

I wonder the same thing. How can they just forget everything? How are they able to just pick up with a ow and her kid and keave everything elez behind and be ok with it?

[strength]

I have done so much reading on this site and others.  I could rewrite all the scripts.  Living home for one year, I heard it all.  I don't believe H's care about the M.  They have put it to rest.  They are so caught up in their new lives that LBS does not matter.  H called me twice last night, late, probably when OW was sleeping.  I will no longer be H's fool.  H has pushed it too far and I don't see anything changing for H. 

When the MLC'ers come to wake, they will be shocked by all of our growth, love, religion and loyalty to children and family.  My H made me out to be the worse W ever, heard it all from OW.  Now OW can try to fill my shoes, which I don't believe she will ever be able to do.  No morals and self centered

[denjef31]

Watcher,

I really feel bad for you as I can't fathom how incredibly difficult this is for you. What you are dealing with is much much more than MLC. Your wife has a major depressive disorder on top of MLC. I am not qualified to give expert advice but I will share with you that I have a very close friend whose son has been diagnosed as having major depressive disorder.

She has been battling this disease since he was 11 years old. He is now 22 years old. Nothing and I mean nothing has brought him out of this. He is also withdrawn, doesn't live the life a normal 22 year old will live. He has in fact done just about everything to try to commit suicide. When he isn't trying to commit suicide he lives a very dangerous life such as drinking beer and alcohol all day, on top of the anti-depressive medication he is on(which are several) and adds Percocet he has purchased off the streets.

My friend and her H are well off so they have sent him away several times for months at a time to expensive treatment facilities in ATL, Florida, Colorado spending thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to find something that will help their son. He will not take his medication consistently. He just doesn't care, and he believes the reason he is like this is everybody else's fault not his. He has gotten into several accidents while under the influence, lost jobs, to now he just doesn't leave the house.

I don't know what you can do to help her until she decides to help herself. They use everyone around them to their own advantage. They suck your energy dry, they suck away your compassion, they suck out your desire to help until you yourself are just empty. Be very careful with her, please just focus on your kids. If MIL and FIL drop the rope, maybe that will force her to at least try. She has no motivation to do so right now. Same thing I told my friend about her son, she has done everything for him as if he is still a child, gotten him out of trouble, replaced several cars, applied for jobs, provided him a very nice play to stay. If she just let him fall a victim to his own crap maybe just maybe he will not like the destruction he is creating and start doing differently.

Some will never get there though and that is also a real strong possibility with your W. What I find encouraging though, is on some cognitive level she realizes her role as a mom, and she is functioning in that capacity to some extent. Some dynamics in the household need to happen to force her out of that shell even more.

Denjef31

[denjef31]

Keep Believing,

At first we don't care. We don't call, we don't come by, we don't do what we are suppose to do for our spouses or kids. It's the same story "the script". We are too consumed and involved in this new life, new relationship, new freedom, being single, acting even just for hours each day we have no responsibilities. What a thrill! an emotional high we get from for lack of a better word not giving a f$%k.

I did it, and my H did it. Yet there will come a time when this will change. I did it to my H for almost 2.5 years. My H did it to me for close to months and I couldn't handle the pain and hurt from it. We are aware that we are hurting you, but we are not able to understand how great that pain is. How could it be that bad for you when I am so freaking happy right now? That's what we tell ourselves to rationalize what we are doing.

Our brain to some extent allows us to not absorb how devious and hurtful we truly are so that we are able to look in the mirror, get dressed and do it all over again the next day. When we start looking in the mirror not liking what we see, expressing our shame and guilt to you, drinking and drugging everyday that is a coping mechanism. At that point we are 100% totally aware of your level of pain, we are hurting just as much but we don't know how to fix it, where to begin. Life seems to us as if we would rather run off, move far away so we wont hurt you anymore. Some of us would rather just die, as life is just not worth living. We feel like a total failure, a royal f-up.

Despite all that, despite feeling this way there are some who will still day after day, month after month, and year after year continue to do the same  thing knowing full well what they are doing. Those are the ones who feel it is too late, they cant come back, life with you will never be the same, you would never truly forgive them, and they are also aware they are in a miserable relationship with OW/OM. They want out, but they have lost you, lost themselves so as messed up as there life is right now that OW/OM is the last person they can go to. The person they gave up everything for, made a fool of themselves for and a mess of their lives so they have got to make this work.

Then, there are some men and women in MLC who felt miserable in the marriage, they cant see how things could change for the better. They made a decision to end the marriage, they are confident and they are not turning back. Even if OW/OM relationship doesn't work out, they still feel they are better off without you. They will try to start a new life, new friends, new career, new home. They are establishing themselves without you. For some it will work and there will be no chance to work things out. For some they will feel confident in the decision to leave but after months, years go by and they are still stuck in the same rut, even worse than before they will change their mind and wonder if it is possible that you are still interested? Do you still care for them? So much time has passed now, there is no more arguing, guilting, pleading, begging and crying from you. You have accepted that the marriage is over and done.

The lurkers sometimes come back even after making things so final such as divorcing you, marrying OW/OM, and having a baby. All of those things happen in real life but that doesn't mean they wont turn back to you. Doesn't mean they wont try in the future to come back.  MLC is exploration of things that were, things you wish they were, things that could have been had we made different and other choices. I have said and will always say change your circumstances, change the environment of what was and make it what can be. They have to feel and believe what they have with you is better than what they are pursuing. The fear of losing you has to be greater than the desire to be with OW/OM.

They wont even think about those things until they feel the shift of energy. Until you shift your focus. They are comfortable in the fog. They are neither here nor there. They half exist in the euphorism of the fog. Many of you are too caught up on how could they do this to me. What makes OW/OM so special that they will leave the kids and me behind like yesterday's trash. You would be inflicting pain on yourself thinking this way as nothing about MLC is really about you. Nothing is about OW/OM. That is why for most they get involved with older OW/OM, they are not as attractive, they dont keep their houses clean, they are total opposite of you and usually not in a good way. They dont have much going for themselves and you cant imagine what your spouse found attractive in them.

What they found was someone who was vulnerable and looking for love. Someone who was willing to listen, hang on to every word. Put up with stuff you wouldn't. Stuff you took for granted, neglected, and they made them feel special. My H moved in with a troll. I am not trying to be mean, but she is truly not his type, she is not attractive, doesn't have anything going for herself, and the only thing he can say about her was that she is "nice" to him. My OM was overweight, and younger but not my type at all, but I was attracted to him like a moth to a flame. I fell for him because he was there, attentive, kind, and nice. You just cant understand or underestimate the pull of opposites attracting.  We know it wont and cant last usually but we want to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

I wrote a book, even went off topic. I am sorry. I write too much I get going in my thoughts and cant turn them off.

Denjef31

[Thunder]

Omg den, I agree so much with what you said to Watcher.

I have always thought her problem is deeper than MLC.
I do think she is passed depression, I'm sorry Watcher.  It seems there is more of a mental illness here.

I won't say anymore because I am no expert.

[denjef31]

Thunder, Yea after reading his last post giving more details I hate to write that to him but I had to be honest. It is much worse than MLC. I hope she finds her way back out of that depression. It's not impossible, it's just going to take more effort and work on her part more than his for her to get to a better place emotionally, mentally, and physically.