[dogwalker]

Thanks Den. I'm really gratefull for you insights.
I'm gaining a lot from everything you say.

Happy New Year.

DW

[devoted]

Den

I have been following along for a while and your posts have helped a lot.

I do have a couple of questions:-

Was there a point in your crisis where your behaviour became much worse? I ask because this is our sixth Christmas without xH, he has never spent Christmas with the children but he has always text or called them wished them Happy Christmas and shown an interest in their day and what presents they had......this year nothing. He put cards and gift cards through the door a few days before Christmas while we were all still in bed.

S26 text him Christmas day evening
S "Thank you for our gift cards sorry I'm late texting we've had a busy day"[they have a 6 month old baby so trying to make sure all the family see on his first Christmas]
 
He received a load of abuse in return.....things like
xH "I'm at the bottom of the pile, my small effort meant nothing, throw the cards away, even when it's bad I'm still your Dad, there are a number of things I can't change or make up for and you are just a small part of that, I have no motivation to keep trying, you will not hear from me again"

S10 text Boxing day
S "Hope you had a nice Christmas did you get our card"
xH " Yes you sent it to the wrong address"

xH announced OW and stepson in November but only because his hand was forced [ our D28 changed jobs and ended up working where OW S works] but we do know he has been keeping her a secret for months. His behaviour seems to be much worse since then. xH has only seen his children for about an hour since February his excuse was he's busy with work. The children now know he was lying......if he had time for another family why didn't he have time for his own. They have told him they don't want anything to do with him. Should they just accept his little efforts [as he puts it] and by not accepting his efforts are they making things worse?

51/5 years is a long time and I need to start to think seriously about whether I'm going to continue to stand xH has completely ignored my texts since October even when it has been about the children. I really don't see any hope anymore as his behaviour now is probably the worst it has ever been.

Thank you.

[1MLC3KIDS]

Den I hope you don't mind me asking your opinion

My husband is taking me to court to force the sale of our house despite my side trying to reach some agreement over the whole financial settlement.  My lawyer advised me that in order to defend this action I would have to file for divorce so the house would not be sold but looked at as part of the settlement, makes sense although I didn't want to file but for financial security I understood.
My H found out about what my plans were via legal aid and filed for divorce first, I got served the papers three days before Christmas !
My teenage daughter called him out on this, how could he do this just before Christmas and he has told her that I filed first. I did not file first but he is adamant that I did, however, if I had filed first he wouldn't have been able to file too, he is to show my daughter emails as proof that I filed first the next time he sees her.
Nothing surprises me anymore about H and his actions but has he done this so that he is in control or purely to be cruel and nasty to me ? 
It's cost him the fee to file rather than me
I was not comfortable filing for divorce and I prayed to God as I was concerned that my H would think that I had given upon him, God answered my prayers and H filed first despite how hurt I feel.
Den, I want to wish you peace and happiness and hope for the future in 2017.

[bluerose]

Denjef,

    I know thst you are not a mind reader, but with your knowledge on the subject it makes me want to pick your brain. I would love to sit and talk to you for a day or 2.

     Do you think when the mlcer does youch and goes, they have a higher return rate? Or being vanishers?

[Keep believing]

Den , im sorry i keep asking questions. I keep telling myself i will not ask any more. But thought of this today. Did the om ever know how you truly felt about your h. When you left om did you tell him you were going back to your husband? I guess im asking what kind of talk went on with om about you and your h. Did he know you talked or slept with your h.  Did you pretend that you had nothing to do with your h? I think this is my 3rd post of questions before letting you breath to answer the others.  You truly have helped my brain relax with the wondering . Im sure it benefits all us lbs.  thank you for your time !!

[denjef31]

Hello Everyone and Happy New Year to you all!

I have copied another story from a "prodigal" same as a wayward spouse who left. She is saying the same things I have been saying but sometimes it is good to read other stories. I hope her story resonates with some of you and gives you comfort. I will be back on here after work to respond to some questions.


Hello Everyone,
 
I was deep in thought today and I want to share some of my experience as a prodigal. At first, I was a little embarrassed to share it, but I realize that was the enemy’s condemnation and that I need to use my testimony as God has commanded, which I hope blesses you and will help overcome and hurl down the devil as you stand for the restoration of your marriage and family (Revelation 12:10-11).
 
I was very unhappy in my marriage and I didn’t believe I loved my husband anymore; we were always either arguing or giving each other the silent treatment. We lived like strangers in our routine of go to work, come home, take care of the children and repeat it all over again. And I never consulted God on anything; I was too angry and my heart was made of the hardest stone imaginable.
 
I met someone who “understood me”…someone who sang my praises, complimented me, etc. So I leapt in and did the wrong thing; knowing what I was doing was wrong, and knowing I was sinning against God.
 
There is a voice within every prodigal that tells them what they are doing is wrong. Every prodigal is shown the way out, but chooses to turn their back on what is “right.” Why? Because we are LOST…we are HURTING…and we are SAD. Yet, we show you, our spouses, that we are happy and that we could not have it better any other way; life is good, we are feeling good and having the time of our lives. Everything we ever wanted is now within this other person and you are now the enemy; you want to rob us of our joy, you don’t understand us, you don’t love us; because if you did, we wouldn’t have gone astray. Prodigals think CRAZY things. We hear the ENEMY’S voice louder than God’s; we have put God’s voice on mute and the enemy tells us that we will be happy if we are divorced from you…then we could be free, happy and fulfilled. It’s all a LIE, but we don’t know that. We even think our children will be “just fine”–another lie. We buy into the “it’s better for me to be happy…then I will be a better father/mother” trap—just another Lie.
 
We come home to you, our spouses, and you throw stones at us. You tell us what we are doing is wrong. You tell us we need God. You cry, you raise your voice, you act desperate, you act mean, etc. And the prodigal’s instinct…RUN!!! RUN as fast as we can!! Get away from this person!! We think YOU have lost it; not us. And your clinginess, desperation and tears make us sick to our stomachs; not because we don’t care about you–because we do–we love you, but it is hidden so deep inside that we can’t see or feel it. It makes us feel horrible because we KNOW what we are doing is wrong; you don’t need to tell us. We are running from God, and when you act like that, we run from you too.
 
My husband prayed for me and was the one standing for our marriage during that time. He didn’t know how to do it and often times he was so negative and emotional that I wanted nothing to do with him. Please listen to me–if my husband had been treating me nice, praising me, encouraging me, showing me respect and unconditional love, I would have been blown away. If he had been peaceful, okay with me leaving if that’s what I chose to do, and confident, I wouldn’t have known what to do with the situation. But I would have been drawn to that peace and it would have woken me up.
 
Believe it or not, I still have to remind myself of these things when I get all worked up and emotional. One would think that I above all, should know this. However, when we are in the midst of the storm, filled with love for our spouse and the desire for restoration, we have a tendency to want to do something, say something…anything to bring them back or keep them from leaving. BUT DON’T DO IT!! There is nothing you can say or do, and everything you say or do in your will, will FAIL. RELINQUISH your spouse to God. Put it all at His feet and walk away. AND DO NOT PICK IT BACK UP!!
 
You have to get to a point where you are okay either way…with restoration or without it because you are content with GOD and his love. When your relationship and love for God far surpasses that of your wife/husband, you have arrived. And when you are at peace with the thought of them leaving, your blessing of restoration is on its way. Let your prodigal GO!!! God will bring them home.
 
He brought me home to a man I SWORE I didn’t love, didn’t want to be with, and didn’t want to be in the same room with if it could be avoided. I thought I was in control and I would do as I pleased. Who was going to stop me? God was, but I didn’t know that!!
 
God indeed stopped me and now I am the one praying to God for my husband’s heart and I am the one who wants restoration. God brought me to my knees when there was nothing and no one else that could help me. Wow!! Just look at what God can do–He can do it, you guys!!! He can and He will!!! Just do your part…LOVE, LOVE, LOVE…respect, support, praise and help. When you are hurt, love them (they hurt too). When you are angry, love them (for they are angry too). God will show us amazing and wonderful things when we follow what he says. He commands us to love even our enemies (Matthew 5:43-48). And sometimes we feel that our spouse is the enemy, so we have to love them; they need our love because they have been taken captive by the enemy. PRAY THEM OUT!!! PRAY, PRAY, PRAY and be unrelenting!! DO NOT GIVE IN AND DO NOT BE MOVED by what they say or do. IT IS JUST TEMPORARY! GOD has them, so remember that they are NOT in control. Use this time to complete the work that needs to be done in yourself and let God work on your spouse. Restoration won’t work if you’re not ready.

I am writing this with Love, because I don’t want you guys to make the same mistakes. Remember that God wants our marriages restored and our families healed more than we do; we just need to get out of the way and let Him work.
 
With much love and gratitude to you all,

Name Omitted

[denjef31]

KP,

Whenever you are free with nothing to do and your spouse ask you for coffee, lunch or whatever you should go as your goal is to reconcile. Do not change or cancel plans to meet up with them though, don't be available everytime they suggest a meet up either. You should be far enough along that you are staying active and busy with your own life that this shouldn't be a problem telling him occasionally you have other plans.

So did you make any other plans to meet up? Did you gain any perspective where his head is at?

Denjef31

[denjef31]

Denjef,

    I know thst you are not a mind reader, but with your knowledge on the subject it makes me want to pick your brain. I would love to sit and talk to you for a day or 2.

     Do you think when the mlcer does youch and goes, they have a higher return rate? Or being vanishers?

This would be a tough question to accurately answer. This would be a good research question actually. Having said that it would appear a clinger would be more likely to return as they are clingers and cant let go. Vanishers have let go completely and appear to have moved on and settled in their new lives. That I think would be a fatal mistake to assume that though.

Any of these MLC' ers can wake up out of the fog at anytime and decide to go home just like that within the blink of an eye, just as clinging boomerang may ultimately choose OW and make that work as they have destroyed everything else in their lives. It seems like you are trying to determine the likelihood of your spouse return based on a pattern since everything else appears to be script. Don't do that, it could steer you in the wrong direction. It ends when it ends and he wont have a answer about the direction he will take his life until he looks within.

Denjef31

[denjef31]

No OM didn't know how I truly felt about my H...no one did. I stated in probably fog 1 thread that I told everyone who would listen how bad my husband was. I painted a very good picture of why I was justified in leaving him and I have everyone believing my BS. I loved my H but I couldn't and wouldn't tell a soul that. Something in me made me do and say those things. I still cant explain why I wanted to destroy my H's personality other than I wanted to make myself look good and have everyone pitying me.
I lied to OM, trashing my H even telling OM about H .begging and pleading to work on our M. OM and I would laugh and make jokes at H expense as I was playing the game and I had to keep it up. Soon as I would get home I was thinking about H. I felt extreme guilt by being dishonest about my true feelings but again something was pulling me to explore. Being a committed married woman didn't fit into this new lifestyle. After all I couldn't fall on the sword after I said so many horrible things about H, after I told so many personal things with my own personal spin on it. No I had to take those lies with me to the grave.

H kept saying I wouldn't take him back because I was doing a good job lying to people and I was afraid of what people would think. He had no idea how right he was. It took months of rebuilding a relationship with my kids. My daughter especially as her and I bumped heads the most.

Denjef31

[Keep believing]

Den , thank you. I had a feeling thats how it could be with my and and ow. Laughing and all. In a way a wish she knew h and i have had normal talks and stuff. She thinks she has him in full but she doesnt, . The coffee was fine. I think i know here my h s head is goung but i then think im nuts and making things up. Little things here and there that he has said. If i listen i hear him giving hints of wanting to come home. But like you ,i think he is afraid of what people might think.  But it is his life and future and shouldnt care about that.
My h is going to fix the breaks on my car. He offered to swap cars. Twice.  I cant help but wonder if ow and him could be over.  She lives  a few blocks away. I could drive up and down her  block 10 times in h car. Could he be trying to  tell me something with this offer to swap cars or did he not even think of it. ?