Krathos,
Sounds like you are about to or perhaps already have drawn your line in the sand. Yes at some point LBS will get tired and completely detach whether consciously or subconsciously. At some point some space and distance must be created, and a time comes to take care of ourselves. MLC'er don't see the pull away initially, for some it could take days, weeks, or months before they finally realize you are no longer hanging on to their word.
Eventually, they most definitely feel the distance. They will certainly move closer in attempt to close the gap and secure you in the position you have kept throughout this ordeal. When this happens the LBS is by this point hoping for a sign there spouse is coming out of the fog. They aren't. They just noticed you might be slipping away and so they try to do a little damage control. They are peaking out of the tunnel but they are not ready to completely come out.
Perhaps for some this could be an indication of their true desire once this ugly thing they are dealing with has been dealt with. Anything can happen but there is a reason we wont let you go. There is a reason we are checking to make sure we are right where we left you. We are sick, we are compulsive, we are having in many ways an out of body experience but we are not stupid. It's like looking at yourself from outside of your body doing and saying things that you don't agree with, that are totally out of character but you hear and see yourself doing these things.
We should be able to stop it as we are aware we are doing these things but we cant. We have completely lost self control. In moments of clarity we hope you will wait for us to get thru this and you can forgive us because we still deep down want you. In the fog we will rationalize and say awful things to get you out of our face, off our backs because you know us so well. You see what the OM/OW doesn't. You know what we are showing to everyone is not the real us. We can sense you looking into our soul. We don't want that, we don't want you to know our secrets. How deep the betrayal really is. We will say and do anything to throw you off track.
So what is a LBS to do? After all we have a life to live too. I ask from personal experience to please find it in your heart to pray for them. They are lost, confused, and scared. It doesn't seem that way but they are. Even the ones who are so sure in their sin that they are better off and happy in their new life. It is all a façade. It really pains me to read so many stories and they all are going thru the same thing. My own H is struggling to hold on to me, reconnect, as he is still dealing with MLC.
Sometimes I become frustrated, and then I think back about the confusion that was in my head so I get on my knees and I pray. Everytime I feel myself feeling negative about this process I am given a sign. When I practice what I have been saying to all of you I see movement on his end to come closer. When I slip up and move closer to him that scares him. He still has much work to do and I can see very clearly he wants to take control of how fast this goes. MLC is a process, sometimes a very long long process.
While your spouse is going thru whatever internal work, replay, and monstering they need to do we need to also do our own work, get to a better place. I often think as an LBS and as a former MLC'er if we know what we should be doing then why is it so difficult to do? Why do we resist the process? Why does it take us so long to let go?
While I have let go, and given in to the process long ago, I resisted even when I knew what I was doing would not help or change the outcome. Our brains just tells us to go with the heart. We defy common sense. We feel if we could just reach them, talk to them, talk some sense into them. Our lives, MLC is nothing like the romantic movies we see on TV. Things will not work as they do where you confess your love and our spouse runs into our arms crying and asking for forgiveness. They will often come home not even acknowledging the pain or hurt. For some it will still be all about them and you should be lucky they came back. Don't let that deter you, they still have work to do and your strength will be needed even more to get thru this painful and incredibly difficult time.
Denjef31
Navigating through the fog- Personal Experiences 3
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