[nah]

Even when I was happily married I would sometimes develop a small crush on someone, I just didn't act out on it.

It's normal to fantasize, it's when it takes over your life it becomes a problem. 

[Thunder]

I agree, hon   

[gman242]

They say when if anything intereferes with your daily functioning, its a problem. And yes it did and so it was, for me anyway..

Yes, you can liken it to looking at pictures of sports cars or sail boats you never own.. You fold up the magazine and the fantasy ends.

For me it wasnt that way. Id get up early on the weekends and check message boards of creeps who scour the internet looking for womens photos.. I went to lengths to hide them..

My wifes behavior caused me to relapse into all if the issues i had in my youth and being so hard on myself is one of them. Mix that with low self esteem and I had a hole I couldnt climb out of.

Ptsd didnt help either. Right next to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, pornography addiction is one of the lesser known issues with it.

Long story short, no i didnt act on it and the damage would have been less if it was found out about, but i hid it, i did it at work, i lied about it.. I snuck around to do it.. I guess that was kind if my point.

I guess i dont know if i had one other than i read about fantasy APs and thought it was ridiculous until i reallize i had them myself..

[Anjae]

Even when I was happily married I would sometimes develop a small crush on someone, I just didn't act out on it.

Same. And the same was true of pre-MLC Mr J.

It's normal to fantasize, it's when it takes over your life it becomes a problem.

Agree.

[Nas]

Before I met my wife I dated a girl for about 3 and years. I liked her, I really did. She was fun, she had a way of making everything in life special and like everyone else, she had her own issues. But I also didn't love her, I just settled for her because I knew she wouldn't leave me and I wanted to break the pattern of women who just seem to "abandon" me all the time.

Sure we had fun, but as time went on, I became absolutely miserable. Had we gotten married, she'd be on here posting right now about my MLC. I did everything you read about... I snuck off to bars, did all kinds of things behind her back, cheated on her and also was very very angry at her, like she was holding me back.


Maybe I'm unique. I have a strong conscience and the willingness to bear burdens and I did the right thing and broke up with my girlfriend. We weren't living together or married, so the damage wasn't as bad, but it was the right thing to do. I hated my job so I kept putting myself out there until I found one I liked. I really had to suck it up to sit in the hot seat during an interview, multiple times and the experience was good for me.

Forgive me but I think I'm a little confused by the above.  It sounds like you're saying if you had settled for this girl and married her, you would have eventually had an MLC.  Are you asking if what some of us think is MLC is actually our spouse finally ending a relationship with someone they didn't love but had settled for.
 

When I had my MLT, I was stuck in my previous job. I tried as hard as I could and I felt like that was as far as I was going to get and I just accepted defeat. My marriage was just ok at that point, she was knee deep in avoiding her personal issues and I was content to let her. I had two college degrees and none of the respect I had in my former job and I often joked, all I did was change light bulbs for a living. I was ignored by a lame duck college president, two librarians who wanted to argue politics and kiss the a$$es of the faculty and I was under a microscope constantly.

At the time, there was no where for me to go and boy did I fantasize about quitting. I couldn't move up (partly not my fault and also because I didn't have the self esteem to go out for job interviews) so I wanted out. All I dreamed about was building an RV out of an old truck.. taking an extended leave of absence and driving around the country with my son.

I think this sounds like my H.  He developed a hatred for his job, although he previously hadn't hated it, but it was clear around the time of BD that he was very unhappy with his work.  He said he felt "trapped," "stuck," etcetera.  I don't doubt he was feeling unfulfilled, but the extreme irrational hatred of his job and feeling so desperate to make a change I believe was a product of distorted thinking due to depression and anxiety. 


The difference I think between your MLT and my H's MLC is in your second paragraph above.  You fantasized.  My H made the fantasy real.  He quit and moved 1000 miles away without divorcing me, without taking care of what needed to be taken care of, nothing thought out, just hoping he could rewind the clock, start over and it would all fall into place for him this time. 

[Roma]

gman,

The more you reveal, the more you sound so much like my H.

I feel I can finally breathe again like yes, it will be ok.

You bring me such a sense of relief!

I can't thank you enough for sharing.

 

[nah]

Forgive me but I think I'm a little confused by the above.  It sounds like you're saying if you had settled for this girl and married her, you would have eventually had an MLC.  Are you asking if what some of us think is MLC is actually our spouse finally ending a relationship with someone they didn't love but had settled for.
 

This question is perfect for the title of this thread.

Sometimes on this site, It just might not be MLC.  Really doesn't matter if it's MLC or not, the person who is left is still heartbroken and must do the same things.... detach, take care of ourselves and GAL.

So I often talk about my sister and her MLC boyfriend.  Is my sister in a MLC, I don't think so.  She's just selfish, a typical alienator.  She dated her now boyfriend in college, he left her and married someone else behind her back.  They were apart for over 20 years.  My sister married another man when she was about 40 and they had two kids.  I don't think she ever really loved her husband.  He was a great guy, did everything she asked, still was never enough.  I often felt bad for him.

Then the other guy started calling, and boom, she was done with her husband.  Not an MLC, just selfish.

So what did my ex-BIL do wrong?  Not one thing.  Just like everyone on here, he was heartbroken.  He detached and later on met someone else that appreciated him.

The boyfriend, MLC?? Oh Hell, yeah.  I see it in his eyes,... every. single. time.  He can't look at me.  It's always a quick glance and then away.  He knows I know.  Is he happy?  Not even close.  He is just stuck with his decisions.  Will he ever go back to his wife?  I really have no idea.

So, yes, my sister with her husband settled for a relationship with someone that she didn't love.  She was 40, never got over her college sweetheart and wanted to have kids.  She used a great guy and broke his heart for her own selfish agenda.

Her boyfriend, I think, decided maybe just maybe the grass would be greener if he chose the other woman so many years ago.  I'm sure it was exciting when they were having an affair and my sister was always ready and waiting.  Typical, isn't it?  Now, however, the fantasy is over and he is stuck with a selfish person and life is no better, just the opposite.  They have all the drama of trying to mix two broken families.  My sister went from all smiles and giggles when he was first around back to her old self of "me, me, me".  Guess he made his bed.

So looking back with our rose colored glasses off, we can decide if our spouses "settled" or if they really had some kind of break down.  Either way, it still doesn't change the one thing that we can control,... our own actions.  It's that simple.

[gman242]

Yeah that's what I was saying.. I may have been accused of having an MLC. I liked her, but I did settle, I just didn't realize it until when I did. We were always in that rut of working on our relationship.


Yes, I'm sure some people settle and jump ship when something else comes along, those are the exit affairs. For me, I did like her and for all intents and purposes we should have had a good relationship, I just didn't love her. I think the exit affair people are selfish and conscious of what they're doing; they're deliberately misleading the person they are with. Me, I just gave up and tried to make it work until i couldn't lie to myself anymore because I didn't think anything better would come along or that I was worth it. 

[nah]

I get ya, gman.

I did the same thing after my husband left.  I broke a few hearts and vomited my exploits all over HS.  Since, HS is filled with broken hearts it was not the best place.  What some misunderstood is I was trying to explain the difference.  Not all affairs are MLC affairs and not all divorces are MLC divorces.  Sure, it still hurts when you are the one who is left and you still must go through the process of healing.

[UnbrokenLioness]

It seems as if h has detached from his family members.  He used to have a good relationship with them and would send them silly memes.  But in the past couple of months, they have had to text him first. Unless he wanted to ask a general question. He's also a bit emotionless. Has a female "friend" he talks to every day but denies being with her. Yet she's quite inquisitive for just being a "friend".
He is going out of state mid March. For a week. To see "an old friend". But this is out of character for him as he has never liked traveling out of state before.
The morning of BD, he kissed me and told me he loved me before he went to work. An hour later, I got a text from him. "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "After taxes come back, I'm filing for divorce." And,  before, he would have been ok with shared custody but now he wants full custody of S 5 1/2 and D 6/2. But admits I'm not a bad mom.
I don't get it. I'm tired of trying to figure it out but can't seem to help myself. We talk about the kids but nothing else. He hasn't said anymore on d or custody.