[Thunder]

Hi Ready,

We must have been typing at the same time.   

Thank you for that.  I do believe with some MLCer's it could help them. 
I think possibly if my H was also experiencing ED he would have gone to the doctor to get tested but he never experienced that so I guess I was the problem.   

[Roma]

Thunder,

I don't feel low T is the problem
I don't see being a narc as the problem
I don't see an avoidance personalty as the problem

I'm not a doctor yet do have a lot of medical training. Many times things have alternative results than what the treatment was for. That's how I see the Low T treatments.

I feel becoming something  like a narc is part of MLC. We SAY Avoidance personality yet I feel in many cases, the MLCer's brain was just too underdeveloped as a youth to handle what was going on. Shoot, even an adult brain would be  too traumatized and unable to handle some cases I've read.

We should put more effort in saving the children from abuse, no matter what type.

I'll be doing my part by saving at least one from this MLC madness, by taking him from foster care and making his home a permanent home filled with love. What about anyone else?

Children are our future!

[Thunder]

I agree with you El, most MLCer's have more childhood issues that caused their MLC.

I was just talking about my MLCer and what I saw and experienced.  I do believe his was more hormonal.

But they are all different, that's for sure.   

[Roma]

Thunder,

I was under the understanding from my reading a MLC by definition really started from childhood. Anywhere from age 5 - 10. Horrific things happened in early childhood that were never addressed or healed.

Yes hormonal things happen that part is part of a MLC also.

Other than that it's a milder MLT, a normal transition that hormonal things happen as well.

[1trouble]

There definitely isn't a one size fits all MLC, you only have to read this board on an average night to see that........

As for treatment some MLC'ers have positive reactions to hormone treatment some don't, some have positive reaction to SSRI's and in some SSRI's can make them worse...

Its my belief, if its truly MLC (because some are not IMO)  then if its not down to an hormonal issue, then its down to depression and that's why I think that if there was more publicity on other faces of depression I outlined in my previous post and if it was seen as just as acceptable to seek help for mental health as it is for physical health then some MLC could be prevented.

Because I believe there is a small window pre crisis, the potential MLC'er could be helped with therapy, once they are in crisis then they cant.

Thing is there is a stigma, certainly in the UK, around therapy.  People are frightened to have any sort of mental health issue written on their medical records, which potential employers/insurance companies could see.

Then there is the stigma as being seen 'weak'...

Its all these sorts of issues that would have to be tackled IMO as far as prevention is concerned..........

Even if the cause is hormonal, getting a MLC'er to go to the doctors (particularly a man) and admit how they are feeling (and be honest about everything to a doctor)is near impossible.......and sometimes this is a chicken and egg situation as sometimes depression can cause hormones to go wacko and sometimes the other way round.....

BTW my H went to the docs twice about 6 months before he left because he had problems feeling his ejaculation......they found nothing, he had lots of blood tests at the time and there was no abnormal hormones then anyway, yet looking back he was heading into crisis with other behaviours he had at the time........he even said to me recently he thinks this problem is/was in his head.......

As he headed into crisis H was having problems sleeping, talking of feeling numb and foggy headed and other symptoms of what I now know to be Anhedonia, I never knew about this type of depression before, I didn't realise him wanting to work all the time was depression, I didn't realise withdrawl from people is depression...I do now.

would it have mattered if I had known he was suffering from anhedonia then?  Not really because when he had started to 'act' out these symptoms it was already too late, he had started his affair with the OW........and was already at the beginning of his crisis.  BUT if he himself had realised months earlier the feelings of unease he was feeling, the problems sleeping, the drinking too much, the fear of getting old, the dissatisfaction with his life...were all normal feelings at his time of life, if he had realised that he was getting depressed and that it might help to talk about these things etc.. maybe he would have got help like he did for his physical symptom effecting his sexual function.

So, as for my H I am pretty confident my H's crisis is firmly routed in childhood issues which brought forward a major depressive episode in Midlife and other physical problems he has had since are a result of his depression and abuse of his body (working excessive hours, drinking all the time etc)...

Others who suspect their spouses MLC are due to hormonal issues, may have seen a different set of behaviours pre full blown crisis

And Thunder you make a very interesting point...... there are those who may not be in crisis and it could be other things that are driving their behaviour like personality issues.....

But as for the thing about educating teachers to spot abuse, I think they already are   (certainly all the teachers I have known and know are) BUT the thing is NOT all of the childhood issues centre around abuse.

Its down to something in their childhood which meant they missed some key development or coping skill.... it could be abandonment by a parent, the death of a parent, emotionally distant parents, a parent with an addiction or personality disorder.....  things which disrupt childhood and are underlying.............My H performed well at school, was an exceptional sportsman playing for his school, county in football, swimming for the county,had trials for top football clubs and went on to be (to the outside world) a very successful tradesman...no-one could have spotted the volcano that would erupt when he got to 45........

[Ready2Transform]

Hi Ready,

We must have been typing at the same time.   

Thank you for that.  I do believe with some MLCer's it could help them. 
I think possibly if my H was also experiencing ED he would have gone to the doctor to get tested but he never experienced that so I guess I was the problem.   

Well for real, if we're looking for a cure, according to them, it would be a bus ticket for us out of their lives! 

Mine did have the ED, and I think that was the one symptom he definitely didn't want to discuss with a professional. Pride, shame, fear, you name it. That takes us back to likely the beginning of ALL symptoms. I'm sure on some level they knew *something* was up, even the ones who didn't seek medical help. And they are still the only ones who can face it.

[Not Applicable]

That's interesting about the anhedonia. I found this that you might be interested in reading:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181880/

My husband didn't have ED per se but he had complained of not enjoying sex for several years and he wasn't as active as would have liked and I told him that. He blamed it on me, but I always suspected he had a problem that he didn't want to admit so I didn't pressure him, and a few days ago he admitted he didn't want sex with me nor is he having much sex with the OW because he just "isn't interested in sex" and because of his "mood." Even though he had this fantasy a few months ago he was going to have lots of sex with the OW because he "wants sex every day." Well I never said no to him ever and I would have been happy with the every day or pretty much every day but he wasn't hearing any of it from me when I told him that. Now, you might think he is lying to me about the OW, but for certain reasons I am almost certain he is telling the truth.

They start to lose their abilities and they imagine they are capable of being Casanovas again if they just try another woman and then they find out the problem is them. You have to feel sorry for them at some level. Well, at least I do because this actually could play THE pivotal role in how his MLC plays itself out due to certain things about the situation. If things don't work out as he hopes, he's probably going to have to deal with a lot of self-blame and his depression WILL get worse.

[Roma]

Must be frustrating to have the sex drive of a teenager, then have ED too?

Must be difficult.

1T I agree, as far as not necessarily 'abuse' yet some type of childhood issue that brought a great deal of distress that the MLCer wasn't able to handle at such an early age.

[Thunder]

From everything I've read a midlife crisis can be caused by many things.

An abusive childhood, debt problems for years, aging issues, hormones out of whack, unable to get over the terrible loss of a loved one, etc..
I don't think there is any one thing that causes it.

Some people go through a normal transition in their life when they get older and some don't and it turns into a crisis.

As far as an avoidance personality, I just read this:

Avoidant Personality:

If a person has a tendency to avoid conflict in their personal relationships, suffers from feelings of inadequacy, are emotionally distant and has low self – esteem they will find midlife transition harder to navigate. This personality type has a deep fear of feeling shame and rejection. Such feelings will keep them from seeking help should their emotions become overwhelming. More than likely, they will run from their problems instead of trying to find solutions to them. It’s this personality type that normally ends up in divorce court during midlife.

Whether there are external factors that make the process more difficult or not, there is an internal process that is gone through. If a person lacks understanding of the process, he may find himself making irrational decisions he may later regret such as leaving a job, divorcing his spouse and throwing away the security that he built during the first part of his life.

[Roma]

Thunder,

Most of the things you listed are what happens after a MLC starts. Some of what you listed are the trigger to start the MLC in motion in mid life.

There is something that didn't develop correctly from childhood is the cause of a MLC because of abuse, rape, abandonment etc.

This is why they regress in age, to heal those childhood traumas they just weren't able to at such a young age when it happened.

Their young brains couldn't handle it, and after the trigger that set them off for the MLC, they still can't handle yet, until they become emotionally strong enough to. That is the reason for all of the 'running and avoiding.