[Not Applicable]

'I look at pictures of us from a years or so ago and I just don't feel that way anymore'

In my husband's case about 2 weeks ago we looked at pictures of us from years ago and he said, "Those were the good days, not like these days."

With time I think they realize all these reasons are excuses. The question is, what are the REAL reasons they do all this $h!te?

[Kintsugi]

'I look at pictures of us from a years or so ago and I just don't feel that way anymore'

In my husband's case about 2 weeks ago we looked at pictures of us from years ago and he said, "Those were the good days, not like these days."

With time I think they realize all these reasons are excuses. The question is, what are the REAL reasons they do all this $h!te?

I keep coming back to this thread and learning more and realizing more. Another thing that happened recently - I found vacation photos from August 2014.  When I looked at them this time, I realized H's eyes had that look that I have read on these boards about.  Almost like an emptiness?  And there I was smiling in the photo, having no idea that he was in his EA with a skank and somewhere in the process of MLC.

[Medusa]

Passi, you asked why some of them dontnuse the word "divorce". I've also wondered this as X has only used it once.

I think that some of them don't want it--they just want to be separated and live the "single" lifestyle. For some it might be that they aren't sure and so they don't use it as a way of keeping us tethered. If they never say it, our hopes remain. And, I think, hey also may avoid the word because of the need to be the "good guy".

The best X could do was say he was "pretty sure" he wanted a divorce (he was asked by a mediator). But, he also did things that pushed me to be the one to file. So not saying it, for him, may also have been a control thing. He dragged his feet not so much because he wanted me but I think in his weird world, he wanted the hope to continue so he wouldn't have to pay alimony and half of his retirement. This MLCer is all about money.

In my case the divorce became a consequence of his decisions, and he dragged it out for as long as humanly possible. I continue to get controlling behavior, but I haven't gotten the monster since right after it was finalized in December, when he accused me of "jamming" it through (after 3 years) so he would have to pay taxes as a single person for 2016. 

I wold love to hears others thoughts on this because it is strange how some of them react to divorce.

[Velika]

'I look at pictures of us from a years or so ago and I just don't feel that way anymore'

In my husband's case about 2 weeks ago we looked at pictures of us from years ago and he said, "Those were the good days, not like these days."

With time I think they realize all these reasons are excuses. The question is, what are the REAL reasons they do all this $h!te?

I keep coming back to this thread and learning more and realizing more. Another thing that happened recently - I found vacation photos from August 2014.  When I looked at them this time, I realized H's eyes had that look that I have read on these boards about.  Almost like an emptiness?  And there I was smiling in the photo, having no idea that he was in his EA with a skank and somewhere in the process of MLC.

Belle, I did this too and noticed the same. Even going way back, I saw a type of anger/hardness/sadness I hadn't properly registered before.

Now his eyes often look vacant or blown out. So strange.

[Not Applicable]

I have pictures of my husband on my phone. One is us before we were married, and we both look relaxed and happy and alive and in love. Another is a picture of him the first time he ever rode an airplane and he just looks so alive and excited. Another is of him when he was 13. Looks serious and miserable. But this was when his father was abusing him.

There's a photo I've seen of him with OW. She looks like Snow White, with the same lack of depth and emotion as the cartoon character, and he for some odd reason chose to wear his glasses in the photo. But he looks stiff, serious and his eyes are vacant. Not happy at all.

[nah]

Passi, you asked why some of them dontnuse the word "divorce". I've also wondered this as X has only used it once.

I think that some of them don't want it--they just want to be separated and live the "single" lifestyle. For some it might be that they aren't sure and so they don't use it as a way of keeping us tethered. If they never say it, our hopes remain. And, I think, hey also may avoid the word because of the need to be the "good guy".

The best X could do was say he was "pretty sure" he wanted a divorce (he was asked by a mediator). But, he also did things that pushed me to be the one to file. So not saying it, for him, may also have been a control thing. He dragged his feet not so much because he wanted me but I think in his weird world, he wanted the hope to continue so he wouldn't have to pay alimony and half of his retirement. This MLCer is all about money.

In my case the divorce became a consequence of his decisions, and he dragged it out for as long as humanly possible. I continue to get controlling behavior, but I haven't gotten the monster since right after it was finalized in December, when he accused me of "jamming" it through (after 3 years) so he would have to pay taxes as a single person for 2016. 

I wold love to hears others thoughts on this because it is strange how some of them react to divorce.

Medusa-- As you know our timelines, situations, and husbands are eerily similar.

Mine also dragged out the divorce, even didn't show up at a hearing and somehow blamed me...    My lawyer said it was strange dealing with a divorce when neither client seemed to want to get divorced. 

However, when I offered to change from a divorce to a separation (since he kept stalling), he actually stomped up and down like a two year old and screamed, "NO, I NEED A DIVORCE".  My lawyer, his lawyer and myself just looked at each other with our mouths open.

I found out later he was in the process of buying a house while we were still married.

So IMO, I think they want to jump into this new fantasy life but keep us under glass as plan B.

Again, this is my opinion only but the reason for the different types of MLCERs?

The clingers and boomerangs.... they are trying to keep their spouses just close enough in case they change their minds.
The vanishers.... they know we are going to move on and they can't watch bc they too want us around for their plan B.  If they don't look then we are still available in their minds. 

Heck, the Leaver even said it the day after BD, "I can't imagine you with anybody else",.... I responded with, "well, if you walk out that door you better imagine it, b/c it will take me ten minutes to replace you".  He never even once drove down our street again after he walked out the door that day.

[Passiflora]

I wold love to hears others thoughts on this because it is strange how some of them react to divorce.

Hi all of you! I really hope you are having a wonderful saturday, spring is here for me!

Rossbren; First thanks for your kind words. I don't write on the board so much cause I think, since I have a "black belt vanisher", that I don't have much info to share on what he is up to. My own dad vanished for 5-6 years when my mum MLC started his mlc, so I have experienced this vanishing act before but they always return one day when they want something is my experience. The only thing I can share on the board mlc vise is other peoples mlc/depression that are in my world. So it's as simple as that why I don't post much but believe me I'm pretty updated on everyone else's threads. I promise I will be better to share and pay it forward, my "healing process" what I have done and are doing, since I'm almost 3 year from BD.

Medusa (and the rest)
I know some of you might not agree with me, but some might. I'm only speaking from my own experience now. Aprox one month after BD my boss at work directed me to a psychologist ( I couldn't function at work, tough one but my XH emotional/psychological abuse in the end made me think I was the crazy one. I felt I was in "Matrix". I did have the best Boss ever all costs was paid by my employer) After 6 months of treatment, I started treatment in the care of "our" women shelter for aprox 8 months, after that I got 6 months of another group therapy also within the organization of abused women in my city.

All of these; psychologist, therapy coaches, lawyers, police has stated what I went through is abuse/domestic violence. My now XH has never put his hand on me before, never this "heavy" emotional/psychological abuse but I do recognize a lot of other things during our 32 years. Stuff that I down played, excused him for, didn't stand up for me and my needs, this I'm fully responsible for. My own FOO issues, child abuse, the "only" relationship I've seen and or copy was my mum+dad. It was very hard to "label" myself "DV victim" took aprox 1,5 years, even harder to put the label "abuser" on my xh around 2 years. It's also really really strange how one of my SIL refers to the other SIL that "our divorce" is a "Happy divorce" and the DV shelter+lawyer describe the same divorce as an "high conflict" divorce.

I'm 100% convinced that what we have been exposed to is labeled domestic violence. I'm not saying that the whole marriage was violent but what "monster" does; emotional/psychological/physical/financial/to children is abuse. "Only" infidelity to a person causes/ can cause PTSD, those of us who experienced this during a long period of time and/or during childhood, might also be diagnosed with Complex PTSD. This "power and control" they are "doing" is a way to manipulate or abuse another person. I found the material from the "Duluth model" very informative.

What causes someone to "behave" in this way? Depression? Mlc? Infidelity? FOO? personality disorder? Substance abuse? All of the above? This I don't know. Can they improve, take responsibility for their actions? Understanding the hurt/pain they inflicted in other people? This I don't know, maybe someone who has a "recovering" mlc husband/wife can ask him/her. Law Professors "friend" J, did seamed to grasp what h*ll he put other people in. I only have my own experience from my father on this subject, and he's been dead since 2007 something. But I remember those letters he sent when he was in jail for shooting that woman with an air gun who was going to leave him. I've been NC with him 10-15 years by that time he reached out and wanting us children to come and visit him in jail. The only thing he stated over and over again in the letter was poor me poor me, I'm a victim etc. It is still, to this day, hard to grasp how some one, convicted for shooting someone, paint himself as a victim!? I mean how on earth?

Oh, this is going to be another long post. 

So, back to Medusas question.
The last research I read from a university in my country, dated autumn 2015 on men and their abuse, their moral for doing what they are doing etc. The research state that not participating in selling property, delaying settlements etc are controlling tactics used to abuse the other part, usually the woman It's in swedish but I'll copy/paste some from the abstract that's in english. If anyone wants to read it, I can send you a link. It's in swedish but I think you can use google translate! Any way, here is what the abstract says;   

The main part of the analysis explores how the interviewed men present themselves. In other words, the thesis highlights the men’s explanations and portrayals of their own retold experiences. The analysis shows that all the men construct a morally decent description of their selves. Inspired by Scott & Lyman’s (1968) sociological concept ‘accounts’ and Goffman’s (1971) ‘presentation of self’, the moral work, made by presenting the retold violent acts and their relationships, are identified.
Furthermore, the men switch between denying and claiming responsibility. At times they deny responsibility for the violence used and place it with the women (“it’s her fault”), their background, or specific situations. At other times they claim responsibility, and do this on three different levels; 1) in the situation, 2) by explaining that they have been trying to end the relationship and 3) by arguing that they has been trying to seek help. The men also negotiate the concepts of ‘violence’ and ‘women abuser’, making efforts to make distinctions between themselves and “real” women abusers.

Sunny regards from me to all of you
 

[Not Applicable]

"Remember Earth Day 2004?" (Said in ominous tones. I still don't remember.)

I don't know why I keep laughing when I read this. It almost sounds like a meme you could put together with all sorts of ominous photos with the text "Remember Earth Day 2004?" plastered on top of them.

[Velika]

"Remember Earth Day 2004?" (Said in ominous tones. I still don't remember.)

I don't know why I keep laughing when I read this. It almost sounds like a meme you could put together with all sorts of ominous photos with the text "Remember Earth Day 2004?" plastered on top of them.

😂😭😂😭

Yes like a candlelight vigil. "Never Forget." But there can be no mention of what we are not forgetting.

Much like MLC itself.

[Not Applicable]

Here's for you Velika. Maybe next time he brings it up you can give him this answer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cHLoHou8uY