[OneHotMess]

My only concern right now is taking care of myself and my children. I will no longer entertain the alien who wants to control me.

It is ironic how the MLCer often states as one of the reasons for leaving the marriage is that the LBS was too controlling, yet in their actions during MLC they like to control everything.  And I mean everything!  Unfortunately it doesn't work like that! 

MendingLioness....that is all you can do under the circumstances....be a bloody fantastic mother and look after yourself.   Leave everything else to fate ❤

I feel my h is doing everything possible to control me. His new thing is making it so I have no money. Basically, I pay what bills I can and he will pick up the rest leaving me with nothing. I believe this is his way to get me to go where he wants and when. This is all he has left to control me with. I also feel as if he is trying to keep me close just in case. He uses divorce to try and get some emotion from me.

MendingLioness... I just told my h that this is what I am doing. Living for me and my kids.

[bluerose]

I never really considered them using money to control us. My h hasnt helped me in a year and a half. My child support hasnt kicked in yet and he still dont offer. Maybe he is using it as control because thats the only thing he has left.

[UnbrokenLioness]

MendingLioness... I just told my h that this is what I am doing. Living for me and my kids.
[/quote]

At this point, that is all we can do, OHM... The mlcers aren't thinking of anyone but themselves and it leads to monster... Sad but we deserve happiness as do our children and we can't achieve that until we focus off of the h.
((Hugs))

[UnbrokenLioness]

Sorry. Haven't learned how to quote yet.

[OneHotMess]

I am so glad that I am catching up on this thread. It is great!!!

"Mommy why are you letting this happen!?!!  I hate you and I love you.  Why don't you love us?  Why don't you help us?" 

1. As an abused child myself, these questions has not entered my mind until now when I'm trying to heal from xh heavy abuse the last years before I kicked him out. You are probably right, LP, that we as children buried these questions cause as a child you are not able to get any answers to this. I know I haven't buried the abuse it self, maybe more the "feeling of helpness" that I felt, if that make any sence.
2. This; I love you and I hate you....this to me is "trauma bonding/Stockholm syndrome". So my 0.02 cents on this must be that child abuse is the first "trauma bonding" experience, since the child has no were to escape also.
3. Doesn't this; I love you..I hate you...why are you letting this happen....why don't you love me. Doesn't all this also sound familiar to all of us LBS. I know all of this is something I was struggling with in the beginning a lot, still do sometimes but it gets easier with time.

I agree #3 is exactly how I feel right now.

[Velika]

I am wondering, then, is the MLCer reenacting the abuse they experienced onto us, the spouse, to make us the victim?

My ex grew up with an abusive stepfather, who had a very strong regional accent. In the worst moments of cruelty to me, he uses this accent. It's really nasty. Once he even told me that I reminded him more of his abusive stepfather than anyone he ever met.

The OW he hooked up with highly resembles his mom, in personality, socioeconomic background, and looks. Now they are still together as a result of an unplanned pregnancy — when my ex was the same age as our son is now.

This is a shocking detailed reenactment, but I can't tell if the mind has a "method to the madness" or if this is just totally unconscious mess created by a fearful and unstable/damaged mind. After all, it seems at one point these men and women could control it. Something had to happen to tip them into this state.

[BrenM]

I am wondering, then, is the MLCer reenacting the abuse they experienced onto us, the spouse, to make us the victim?

Yes and yes again....I really believe this is the case...unfortunately for us LBS's 😢😢😢

[OneHotMess]

Reasons for leaving:

First conversation he was very sweet and compassionate:

- I am happy but not sure if as happy as can be
- I've done a lot of thinking after helping others out with their relationships

Next day: monster (s11 heard all of this from his room)
- you are the reason for all of the bad in my life
- I have not been happy for years but just realized it
- you are worthless and have been for years
- we have nothing in common
- you are not the person you use to be
- you need friends
- you need a real job ( I work f/t as an assistant to the  teacher for special need preschoolers)
- I am just a paycheck to you
- I can do so much more sexually then you
- I can't guarantee you a future
- you can't even lose weight and wasted so Much money on gym memberships

Monstering a week later
- my family says you are lazy with no drive
- I'm leaving for GA in 2 days for a week
- ive given all I have to our marriage
- you are horrible with money
- you work 24 hours and I work 60 hrs
- u are incapable of change
- I have been unhappy for 10 years
- the house is always a mess
And most of what was said before

Many more monstering and excuses since everytime I fix something from his original complaints.

[OneHotMess]

I am wondering, then, is the MLCer reenacting the abuse they experienced onto us, the spouse, to make us the victim?



I think so too. My h's father married ow (in Vegas without telling boys) right about the same time he was my s11 age and told him that he will always choose his new wife and her family over them. They had a falling out when I met my h and his father and family wanted nothing to do with h for about 5 years. They reconnected again because with s2. When s was 7 and dad nearly died, dad told h that he wants to have nothing to do with him or family and that he didn't even like who he was. Sounds like a lot of what he is doing now.

[Not Applicable]

I am wondering, then, is the MLCer reenacting the abuse they experienced onto us, the spouse, to make us the victim?


This is a shocking detailed reenactment, but I can't tell if the mind has a "method to the madness" or if this is just totally unconscious mess created by a fearful and unstable/damaged mind. After all, it seems at one point these men and women could control it. Something had to happen to tip them into this state.

To me it is not so important what happened to tip them into this state, but what gets them out of it. My husband consciously expressed his need for an OW to put up with his "nastiness" (=reenacting abusive father) and even told her this when he met her. I do believe this came from being around MIL after we moved in with her some months before. Something triggered memories of childhood and now he is the same age as his father was when he stood up to his father and told him to stop the abuse.

Some also have what HB called "children of the issues." My husband has both. I think they are simply two sides of the same coin.

However, I'd like to hear from those who are further along in the process, whether you actually reconciled with your MLCer or not, did you see them get rid of these different personalities eventually? And if so, can you attribute this to any specific factors? And is this necessary for them to come out of the fog? Or do these personalities sometimes get integrated into their future personality after MLC?

I'm almost wondering if my standing up firmly and definitively like he did with his father would snap him out of it. OK, my husband threatened his father that he would kill him if he didn't stop abusing his mother, which is a bit extreme, but a threat to leave him might be the same.