[Velika]

Here's for you Velika. Maybe next time he brings it up you can give him this answer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cHLoHou8uY

LOL 😂

[sparklestar]

'I look at pictures of us from a years or so ago and I just don't feel that way anymore'

In my husband's case about 2 weeks ago we looked at pictures of us from years ago and he said, "Those were the good days, not like these days."

With time I think they realize all these reasons are excuses. The question is, what are the REAL reasons they do all this $h!te?

I keep coming back to this thread and learning more and realizing more. Another thing that happened recently - I found vacation photos from August 2014.  When I looked at them this time, I realized H's eyes had that look that I have read on these boards about.  Almost like an emptiness?  And there I was smiling in the photo, having no idea that he was in his EA with a skank and somewhere in the process of MLC.

Belle, I did this too and noticed the same. Even going way back, I saw a type of anger/hardness/sadness I hadn't properly registered before.

Now his eyes often look vacant or blown out. So strange.

I think my H was panicked by what he felt, when he said it it was probably one of the most panicked times I had seen him he was literally shaking saying I look at pics and I just don't feel the same, I can't imagine being intimate with you like it was a massive shock and it scared him and then he did the whole I have to go, I can't stand the tension (no tension only his). he left about an hour later - not planned, nothing packed he just tyre stuff into a bag and went.... when he came back 2 weeks later to collect some stuff he was a total alien, hard, business like and harsh. Very 'this is happening, I won't ever change my mind' it was surreal. Like being in a weird horror movie....I'm almost sure he was on something (he was doing a lot of cocaine at this time).

The eye thing has haunted me for ages I look at pics from 2014 and 2015 and H literally looks like a different person, wholesome, healthy, happy, relaxed and as you look through 2015 it changes and then 2016 it's dramatically different even his style changed. I was showing my IC and she was stunned. He just looks so cold and hardened, I wish I could show you all you would see what I mean. His look is almost sinister.... and he just looks like he's not really there. It's incredible really and v upsetting.

[UnbrokenLioness]

I had been trying (to no avail) to accommodate h for the kids' sake. I had told him that I would sleep on the couch and be in a different room when he is downstairs.  I had told him I would leave and stay elsewhere for a night or 2. I offered to be in a different room if he wanted to come and spend time with the kids. Nothing has been acceptable other than me moving out so he can come home.
Well... I was told by Lioness and a couple of my family members to stop trying to accommodate him. One of my family members mentioned that I have offered all I can and it is HIS choice to make and deal with. I see it now.
My only concern right now is taking care of myself and my children. I will no longer entertain the alien who wants to control me.

[BrenM]

My only concern right now is taking care of myself and my children. I will no longer entertain the alien who wants to control me.

It is ironic how the MLCer often states as one of the reasons for leaving the marriage is that the LBS was too controlling, yet in their actions during MLC they like to control everything.  And I mean everything!  Unfortunately it doesn't work like that! 

MendingLioness....that is all you can do under the circumstances....be a bloody fantastic mother and look after yourself.   Leave everything else to fate ❤

[1phoenix]

My H was upset that I told him he needed to choose as marriage was made for 2 people, not 3

So he wrote me....I need to sort this out for myself.  I don't want anything from you.

That is all I got, to this day. 

[stillbaffled]

I think my H was panicked by what he felt, when he said it it was probably one of the most panicked times I had seen him he was literally shaking saying I look at pics and I just don't feel the same, I can't imagine being intimate with you like it was a massive shock and it scared him and then he did the whole I have to go, I can't stand the tension (no tension only his). he left about an hour later - not planned, nothing packed he just tyre stuff into a bag and went.... when he came back 2 weeks later to collect some stuff he was a total alien, hard, business like and harsh. Very 'this is happening, I won't ever change my mind' it was surreal. Like being in a weird horror movie....I'm almost sure he was on something (he was doing a lot of cocaine at this time).

Yup....that pretty much happened here except he didn't throw anything in a bag.  Left with the clothes on his back and his truck.  Lots of his stuff is still here.  I don't think my exH was on anything other than the batcrap crazy train he had boarded. 

[sparklestar]

Ha ha ha Still baffled that did make me lol.

I find it v weird that all these LBSs the world over report such similarities even down to the words they say. And I am also totally shocked that this is just not more known about or recognised. How Can such a destructive thing not be?

Rossbren, you make a v good point, the whole 'I'm trapped, you're controlling (I never heard you're controlling) is in stark contrast to how they behave. It does sound in so many cases that the MLCr often acts in an opposite way to the way they did. My H would literally call and text and always be touching base, I never required it but he would always do it and yet now, in MLC, I literally hear nothing. He's a vanisher. It's an opposite! And he is stubborn and angrier where as he was never like that, always yielding and always calm. Again opposites? I've kind of alluded to it before but he was softer and wholesome and now he's hard and sinister again opposite. Hmmm?

[BrenM]

Rossbren, you make a v good point, the whole 'I'm trapped, you're controlling (I never heard you're controlling) is in stark contrast to how they behave. It does sound in so many cases that the MLCr often acts in an opposite way to the way they did. My H would literally call and text and always be touching base, I never required it but he would always do it and yet now, in MLC, I literally hear nothing. He's a vanisher. It's an opposite! And he is stubborn and angrier where as he was never like that, always yielding and always calm. Again opposites? I've kind of alluded to it before but he was softer and wholesome and now he's hard and sinister again opposite. Hmmm?

The funny thing in my situation is that the OW is very controlling.  She controls everything, yet he idolises her, she can do no wrong, he can not see her manipulative ways.  I often wonder if he now realises what controlling is. I guess we just have to have faith in the whole MLC process.  Time.....it takes time.....a bloody long time, which is very heartbreaking to us all.

[Whyus]

I asked W yesterday what happened to us and why. She just Said "too late ,,," that a great answer which i can Work with going Forward.

[TryMe!]

I asked W yesterday what happened to us and why. She just Said "too late ,,," that a great answer which i can Work with going Forward.

Silly WhyUs! 

She is not in the mindset to be looking for fixes. She has made her mind up for the moment. Don't ask those questions and don't let the answers bother you.

Ignore what she thinks and do what you think is best. Change what you want to change and if she responds well to it, it is a nice practice for a future relationship. If it will change her mind, she will be your future relationship. So, focus on future relationships and change YOU, don't ask her what needs to be changed to change the current one.

She'd just love saying Too Late, because according to her you are the source of all her problems and she wants to make you feel like that. And you walk right into that desire she is having.

Been there too.