[BrenM]

Wow, I just needed to share this story with you all. I was just on Tinder and started randomly talking to a 46 year old man.   Normal conversation from me regarding family and kids...my passion.  He then proceeded to tell me that he had been separated for 10 years from his wife - 'I was married 25 years since high school', 'She is not the woman who I  married",  "Just got so ugly and she became so resentful. I take a lot of the blame. But she never would", "Hell no. Worse we do not like each other at all. I walked away so I'm the failure'. 'Yes I start at 5:30. But I don't sleep much at all'.  He then told me that his kids want nothing to do with him, but he is there for them when and if they want....ALARM BELLS began ringing.  As it turns out his kids feel total resentment towards him for abandoning them all. 'My kids are quite hurtful and very damaging to my day. I don't function very well when they hurt me', "I am here for them. It's a long story. But one of my sons just took $5000 dollars from me now has blocked me. So yer it's vomplicated' 'Yes but you have your kids. For me I'm alone every day all day' 'No that wasn't an issue at all. I have been alone ten years Hun so I'm ready to find a life partner and my kids are just going to have accept that'....does this guy sound like a MLCer or What?  Everything is about him and he can't see the damage he has created.  We certainly can spot them everywhere.

He is obviously stuck in his Mlc.  He is absolutely sad and miserable. I tried my best to convince him that he was only after a bandaid fix for his unhappiness.  Strongly believe he can't be convinced.   Dare say the poor bugger got a lecture and a half from me.... No doubt his internal guilt is eating him up...Time for me disconnect from him and run haha.  Another sad story.....

[beyondblessed]

Just think a moment, Rossbren.....that's how our spouses feel about us, too.  Kinda puts their feelings for us into another perspective, doesn't it.  In their minds, they despise us and we despise them.  There is no convincing them otherwise, either.  The truth is simply non existent to them, no matter how obvious it is to all of us.

[nah]

Sure when they are running they will use any crazy justification that they can cook up in their mixed-up minds.

What about the old grass is greener?

It does happen.

[BrenM]

Just think a moment, Rossbren.....that's how our spouses feel about us, too.  Kinda puts their feelings for us into another perspective, doesn't it.  In their minds, they despise us and we despise them.  There is no convincing them otherwise, either.  The truth is simply non existent to them, no matter how obvious it is to all of us.

It certainly does put things into perspective.  After 10 years this poor bugger is still in the fog?  Depressed, sad fog looking for a soulmate to fix his life.  Almost being desperate....not being able to see the impact of his decisions has had on his children...spewing hatred towards his children.  It is just so sad.

[BrenM]

Sure when they are running they will use any crazy justification that they can cook up in their mixed-up minds.

What about the old grass is greener?

It does happen.

Fingers crossed for me.  It is amazing that they cannot see that they are to blame.  His poor wife has not moved on, but he does not care.  I just pray my ExH comes around sooner than later.

[nah]

So here's my take on a vanisher...

(I'm going to over-generalize here for the stereotypical male MLCer, I know not everybody fits in this box)

You don't know where he is, what he is thinking, what he is doing, what his relationship with the other woman is like.

So what do you know?

You know what you had.  Did you have a good marriage?  Was there love and laughter?  A true partnership?  Did you try to fit him in a box that you wanted or did you love him warts and all?

You don't have to answer me.  This is putting a light on the marriage you really had, not the one we showed the world.

I think from reading on this forum for several years, the true stereotypical MLCer, usually is in a better than average marriage.  If anything, I think most LBSers on here loved their husband more than most wives that I see in real life.  I think we loved them so much we turned a blind eye to their faults and did a fair share of enabling. 

I see now that we communication issues.  Honestly, I feel we had communications issues b/c we really didn't have problems that were that big of a deal until MLC.  When MLC hit, we BOTH had no idea what to do.  So here we are....

So he jumped ship and jumped right into another one.

Since he is a stereotypical MLCer, his girlfriend is a stereotypical other woman.

Young, controlling, manipulative, selfish to the extreme.  I would hate to be her, when there is an ex like me.  I have never fought with her, heck I have never uttered her name or even looked in her direction.  I have been mostly kind to my MLCer, I have always worked hard, never nagged, never controlled or manipulated him.  Sure sometimes he has pointed his finger at me, so I have shot some finely placed truth darts and he has always backed down. 

So do I think he is in a better place?

Hell no!!!! 

It's been four years and just recently he is poking around.  The same guy that couldn't run away fast enough is now looking in the mirror every morning wondering what happened to his life.  He said these exact words to me last week among other things. 

I think the only thing that sets him apart from other vanishers is he actually admitted his feelings to me.  As of today, he still plans on getting married to the girl in September but again, they just plod along once the train is rolling and they don't have the courage to stop.

So what should we do?

Control the one thing we can control.... ourselves.  Yes, it's a boring answer but it's the only thing we can control.  If they ever do "grow a pair", well then we have some decisions to make.

In the meantime, live your life to the fullest.  We only get one.

[BrenM]

Thankyou Nah - once again you are correct and make me see everything as being Mlc script, especially when I have doubt.

I know my H is not in a better place.  The impact on his body tells the truth. He can say all he wants but I am sure he sees the same  reflection in his mirror that others do.  He is running away from the destruction that he has caused. Finding a bandaid to fix his life so he is happy, which we know doesn't happen.

Yes I can only control my children and myself.  As long as I hold the fort and keep my kids happy and grounded I have succeeded.  And have hope that maybe some day in the near future the runaway freight train comes to a halt, and notices the bloody destruction caused and attempts to repair it.

[Treasure]

Attaching x

[Tyks]

Curoius about tinder... aren't you standing?

[BrenM]

Curoius about tinder... aren't you standing?

Of course I am Tyks - hell yes... I am.far from healed to even consider moving on....please don't get the wrong impression.  I have joined several dating sites since BD, I have never been on a date, only messaged people and it normally is regarding our Ex's.  I am hopeless.  There are a lot of mixed up people on these sites only after a casual hook up, definitely not my style, I run and press the delete button when propositioned lol.  But there are the geniuene people who are lonely and like to chat...that is the category I fall into.