[Roma]

I agree w/ Velika. The less you have to interact the better. Believe it or not you've been given a gift. Count your blessings!

There were many vanishers when I first started a year and a half ago. Maybe they gained their balance and was able to get on wit their life?

I can't give numbers of reconciliations yet keep the hope and give it time. in the mean time, try to keep your focus on you as much as you can.  I know it's hard.

Hang in there.

[SteelSpine]

I think I would have had a vanisher if it weren't for our kids.

He has just recently started texting a lot, but when we have to be in the same room, he pretends he's invisible. Does that count?

[OffRoad]

Mine was an at home wallower for 18 months, and then mostly a vanisher for the past 6 months. He only recently turned up to get his running shoes an hiking boots.Because he needs them after 6 months of never using them. For me, vanisher was better, because he can't do damage while he isn't here.

We had a nice conversation after 6 months, something we couldn't have done prior to his vanishing. Take that at the anecdotal story it is.

I suppose it depends on where the LBS is in their journey. If you are still thinking it's temporary, haven't been able to come to terms with the loss of your spouse (because even if a couple gets back together, it isn't the same relationship) or been able to detach enough, it will be harder with a vanisher. A clinger gives the LBS more hope.Unless they are a monster clinger, and that isn't good for anyone.

It's hard when someone you love disappears from your life. It takes a while to mourn the loss.

[Not Applicable]

I'm not sure how a vanisher would escape the guilt. They've up and abandoned you and left you with absolutely nothing.

I have a friend whose husband vanished-for 7 whole years-I'm not sure if it was an MLC but she said he was manic-depressive. He divorced her and abandoned her and their FIVE kids when she was 35.  6 months later she was introduced to a wealthy and successful brain surgeon over the phone by his ex wife, who he was on amicable terms with. She thought they would be a good match. She told him "You don't want me. I'm fat and old and have five kids." He said it didn't matter, that he was looking for a wife who needed him. They were married 5 days later. He took on full responsibility for supporting her kids in addition to his 2-3.

I have a monster but he is trying every day to be responsible toward me at some level. It makes life chaos but at least I can see somewhere deep down inside he wants to do the right thing and that I think is a foundation for us to build upon when he is ready to re-commit. And before he really disappeared down the tunnel, he told me this was temporary. So I soldier on. For me vanishing would be red line. You can't vanish and be a spouse in any sense of the term in my opinion

[beyondblessed]

They don't leave us with nothing.  They leave us,with peace of mind and our own God given free will to grow up and start living the beautiful lives we were intended to live.  I'll take that peace, along with my strenth, self respect, and sense of worth any day over choosing to let someone mentally, emotionally and verbally abuse me.

[Tyks]

I have had a vanisher pretty much since bd. I think it is probably easier to deal with than a clinger. It is hard though when they vanish. Don't get me wrong. If I had to deal with a clinger I think it would be a hard road to detach and heal.

Of course the whole mlc sucks and I wish we didn't have to go through it all. But here we are.

[Still Half full]

I'm so pleased to see this thread, I asked this question on my own thread last week


I sometimes wonder what he thinks about me ? Does he miss me or does he just accept that his actions have ended our marriage ? I have told him to leave twice, first on bomb drop day and then again after a few months of trying. I'm wondering if maybe he misses me like I miss my mum, she passed away and I miss her every day, and no matter how much I wish for / hope I can spend some more time with her it's just impossible, could that be how H thinks about me

Does this kind of vanisher ever try to come back ?!



I don't know what's worse, vanisher or clinger,  I agree it's good we don't get the monster, but it's very hard to think that your H doesn't give a damn about you 😔

I'm trying really hard to live like he's not coming back and sometimes I can, but the nights are long and monkey brain kicks in. I have to remind myself that he's not the lovely guy I love, he's a MLC stranger

I think that he loves me but I think the guilt and shame he feels is stronger, I don't think he likes how I see him now, so he pretends I don't exist

[nah]

A true vanisher moves far away, maybe sends divorce papers through lawyers or just stays married as they seem to drop off the face of the earth.  There have been a few on here but after a while the LBS has nothing to write about b/c the vanisher is just gone, nothing to observe.  The LBSers of the vanishers seem to heal faster b/c we aren't getting dragged into the drama as much as the others, the drama is mostly in our own minds, which also does take time to heal.

I often call mine a semi-vanisher.  It's been four years, I can contact him and he will respond.  He will even meet me for lunch if I ask him but we very rarely have contact.

I sometimes wonder what he thinks about me ?

At first they are running as fast as they can.  I can tell you that I know for a fact that my vanishing husband has watched every move that I have made.  The last "touch and go" that we had about six months ago he mentioned several things about what I was doing and who I was with, he knew details.  Even places I have been, things I had said from 2-3 years ago...   I said something along the lines of "are you keeping a notebook?" 

As for the "what he thinks about me?"  Please, please, please....try not to pretzel yourself into trying to please him or do things you would only do to impress him.  It will only slow down your healing and not work in your favor anyways.  I know, I tried, got the T-shirt and went home.  It didn't work.

Does this kind of vanisher ever try to come back ?!

The most asked question on here.  Here's my take on the chances of a returner if you have a vanisher.  Yes, mine has poked around a bit during the last and longest "touch and go".  It's been four years for me, I live with my boyfriend and I'm very happy, I didn't know I could be this happy.  My vanisher knows this....
Yes, he is guilty, that's the number one reason they vanish.  He is so guilty, he couldn't even look in my direction, never mind be in the same room. 
How is he going to make a real attempt to come back?  Vanishers are cowards.  He just doesn't have the gonads to man up and say he made a mistake.... especially since this epic mistake was his own choice.  What's worse (for him) is I moved on, just like he asked.  It was easier for me to move on b/c he was gone, gone, gone. 
I feel that's the real reason we see so few reconciliations with vanishers.... the one who was left moves on.  It was nothing to do with the desire of the leaver.

I don't know what's worse, vanisher or clinger,  I agree it's good we don't get the monster, but it's very hard to think that your H doesn't give a damn about you 😔

At first having a vanisher is more difficult.  What's worse than indifference? 

Sometimes our MLCers do slide in some little truths.  Mine said once that he stayed away from me to make it easier on me.    Now, I know he's full of sh!t, he was staying away b/c he's a coward BUT.... it was true, him being gone in the long run did help me heal.  If he showed up (like many of them do) and pulled me in, it would have taken me much longer.  I think the clingers are much more selfish.  They want to do whatever they want BUT also keep the left spouse hanging on. 

I'm trying really hard to live like he's not coming back and sometimes I can, but the nights are long and monkey brain kicks in. I have to remind myself that he's not the lovely guy I love, he's a MLC stranger

Oh I know those monkey brains.... I use to call it the witching hour.  I averaged about 1-2 hours of sleep a night, I have no idea how my body functioned but I sure did get a lot done.  Unfortunately most of what I got done was self-destructive.... oh well, that's in the past now.

Your right, he is not the guy you love.  Sorry but right now that is true.  It took me a long time to let that sit in my brain until I believed it.  We can't make them love us, we can't control their thoughts and/or actions.  We spend way too much time obsessing about them.  It's natural and normal, and something we must get through, it sucks, it hurts like Hell, but it will pass with time.  Sorry I wrote the "T" word, but time really is the only thing that will make this feel better.

Here's the thing.  In the beginning we obsess, read/talk/research everything we can to try to understand this craziness.  Then we heal.  They escape-avoid, and do everything to pretend that they made the right decisions, they will defend their decisions like crazy, so when time passes, what happens to them?  Their demons keep knocking on the door.  They never address the real issues, which we all know is inside themselves.  So will they do the work they have been avoiding?  Will they look into themselves or will they keep running?

This is when, if they are vanishers, they will start poking around to see if the person they left is still around OR stay miserable and keep hiding. 

I think this is where my husband is now.  For me (and I think i'm statistically typical), I feel pity for him but I'm done. 

[Mae]

Hmmm I'm not sure what I have. He's gone but keeps in touch...what is that type? Touch and go?

[beyondblessed]

Another thing I find interesting is that those of us who have moved on are all happier with our new partners than we ever thought was possible.  We did not sit around waiting for lives to get better and just happen....we went out and made it happen.  If you keep staring at the door that's been closed behind you, you will be guaranteed to miss every door that is open in front of you.

Think of all the reasons they run in the first place.  Better to have that kind of crazy removed than to have it spewed at you and keep you spinning in circles the rest of your life.    Just because there is something mentally askew in them, it doesn't give them the right to be abusive and monstering.  If they want to do that, they should just go find a mirror and play with their own demons.