[nah]

Sorry Mae, I know we use many terms on here that can be confusing if you are relatively new on here.

Here's a link to the contact types.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html

A "touch and go" is not a type of MLCer but it is a type of contact that an MLCer will sometime do to the LBS.

Since my MLCer is mostly a vanisher if I have a more than the usual amount of contact in a short period for no apparent reason than that is a "touch and go". 

In my case last year in the late summer/early fall my husband started sending me messages, meeting me for lunch and calling.  We had more talks (even some borderline relationship) than we have had since BD (which was almost four years ago).  Our last contact (during that time) we stood outside without jackets (as it was supposed to be a quick document exchange) for hours just talking.  I finally had to say, "I'm freezing so I need to leave", he started to walk away, stopped, turned like he wanted to say something and then changed his mind and kept walking.  That was over six months ago and I haven't heard from in since except I sent him a text a few weeks ago b/c he "accidentally" moved money out of my account to his account.  He apologized excessively, fixed the mistake, apologized again.... I didn't respond.

[Still Half full]

Nah - thank you so much for all the information, I'm really grateful that you gave me such a detailed reply, it really helps 😊 and when I read your thread I felt pity for your MLC too

It's hard to post updates when there's no contact, it's like another week / month has gone by and nothing has changed ( except hopefully we're getting stronger ) but you summed it up for me with

At first having a vanisher is more difficult.  What's worse than indifference? 

That's what I'm struggling with

I also agree he's a coward, he even tried to make me feel guilty that I'd coped so well 😳 that was a year ago, so he'd be absolutely furious if he knew how well I'm doing now, I'm so much stronger

I don't really talk about him any more, friends ask if he's been in touch and I simply reply no and we move on. I haven't admitted to anyone IRL that I still think about him, so I'm grateful that I can read here and accept that my feelings are quite normal. I don't know if I could ever try again, but if I'm being completely honest, I'd like the option 😊 I probably just want to know that he still cares about me, that our 28 years together was important, but I probably need to work more on myself and not need validation from him, I don't respect him so why do I want ..... actually I don't know what I want 😄 certainly not the cowardly, selfish man he is. I say that now but maybe I should write again at 3am when my brain is whizzing about 😄

Thanks 😊

[nah]

Another thing I find interesting is that those of us who have moved on are all happier with our new partners than we ever thought was possible.  We did not sit around waiting for lives to get better and just happen....we went out and made it happen.  If you keep staring at the door that's been closed behind you, you will be guaranteed to miss every door that is open in front of you.

Yes.  BUT...I believe it's ok in the early days to retreat, hide, cry your eyes out, and stand (like it's defined on this site) or even stand still until you can catch your breath.

For me, yes, I made some things happen but also, some things just landed in my lap.

Whatever works for each LBS, we are as different as the MLCers.  We often say on here that we don't have any influence on the MLCer and we usually don't.  However, in some cases, some of us with vanishers might have had potential clingers but we kicked them out.  MLCers are often kings of indecision.... so if we kick them out and file for divorce (like I did and I think you did too beyond?)....  We took control of the type of contact.  So we do have some control, personally I think mine was a potential clinger. He slept on the couch for a couple of days after BD, until I packed his things.  As I said, vanishers, I feel, are cowards, and most MLCers can't make decisions, once I packed his things, I made the decision for him.

Then, I curled up on the floor and cried for days, weeks, months,.... heck I still cry sometimes. 

[nah]

I don't really talk about him any more, friends ask if he's been in touch and I simply reply no and we move on. I haven't admitted to anyone IRL that I still think about him, so I'm grateful that I can read here and accept that my feelings are quite normal.

Crazy, isn't it?  There must be something wrong with us if we don't get over a 28 years relationship in 2 years.

[Roma]

It's hard to post updates when there's no contact, it's like another week / month has gone by and nothing has changed ( except hopefully we're getting stronger ) but you summed it up for me with

Hi Still,

The thing is this site is about how the LBS is doing,not so much the MLCer unless you have a question.  WE are on a journey too. We are on a journey of healing, wholeness, completeness, Mirror Work and GAL. That's what this site is supposed to be about.

That goes for the LBS w/ a vanisher or a clinger.

[beyondblessed]

Nah....I did not file for the D, that's on him, bit I most certainly did kick his @$$ out once the lies and cheating became to much for me to allow.  And, I did do the crying, the wondering why I wasn't ever enough for him or worthy of his respect and love, and I read tons.  I also went to a life coach for a couple months to get my feet back underneath me again.  It is my sessions with her that helped me get in touch with my own wounded inner child...my little, as I refer to her and heal.

For all that, and the trust my xh broke beyond all repair, I chose to move on to greener pastures, myself.  I know many believe they(mlc'ers)don't know what they want, but they think they do, so I say let 'em have it.

[nah]

I know many believe they(mlc'ers)don't know what they want, but they think they do, so I say let 'em have it.

That's the one thing all the articles in the world can't tell us.  What is really going on in their heads.

As much as we don't think we do, (because our world just blew up) I believe we do know our MLCers (before and after BD) better than the articles, we might not want to face it yet, but we know their potential, we might not know if they will live up to their potential but we do know their potential.  Not sure if my rambling is making sense. 

Some of us will say, nope there is no way he will come back and some will have hope.  That hope is a gut instinct and I believe our instincts are pretty reliable, I know mine is anyways.

[bluerose]

Mine wasnt always a vanisher the first 10 months he was not so much a clinger but definitely a boomarang. Then he just up and left came around a little bit but as he got in deeper with the ow he completely abandoned us. He is only seeing d12 now because the court is involved. Has not offered anything financially. I just have a hard time understanding even after all this time how he could do this.

[Roma]

Hi bluerose,

First you are going to have to realize their MLC has got nothing to do with you or your family. MLC is like a temporary mental illness where the MLCer goes on their own journey, most of the time very selfishly.

Try to separate your finances w/ him to protect yourself. MLCers are horrible with money and are extremely irresponsible because in their mind they went back to a much younger age. They are like teenagers now trying to heal things from a long time ago.

Since your H went back in time in his mind, he might not even remember his children.

I'm sorry, I know this is hard. You have got to try to keep your focus on yourself and start to do your own work and act like your H is not coming back mentally or physically. That is advise for everyone, the LBS for clingers and vanishers alike. This way the pain will lessen faster.

Hang in there.

[bluerose]

    I do realize that. Our finances have been separate for over 2 years.